I love my ED

Psych_Major · Joined: 24 Jul 2009 Posts: 2

Hi there, I hope you'll be able to help me out with this. I don't know if this is necessarily the right section, but it didn't really fit anywhere else.

I'll start out by telling you a bit about my history; I'm seventeen years old, I have a past with depression and anxiety, and have been in therapy for almost a year. I take Zoloft and Abilify for obsessive-compulsive behavior, anxiety and depression.

My latest problem has been my bad habits related to eating. I've been obsessed with calories and my weight for as long as I can remember. I began attempting to fast when I was twelve, although with little success. After years of struggling with this hatred of my body, I started purging (abusing laxatives and self-induced vomitting). I also started restricting to under 1,000 calories a day.

As of late, I've been trying to recover from this obsession and the habits that go along with it. However, I'm starting to slip back into my old ways. I've started purging and sneaking diet pills again, and am obsessing about my weight constatly.

The thing is...I can't remember why I wanted to recover in the first place. It feels so good to have this control over my body. I feel alive when my stomach is empty, right after getting rid of a meal or snack. I love the feeling these habits give me, I love the idea of losing weight. When I'm thin, everything will be better. When I'm thin, I'll be happy.

I really don't know where to go from here. Why should I focus on recovering when I feel so much better this way? I'm so lost.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. =]

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

So, is all this therapy working out for you? Doesn't seem so. Yes, you have control over your body, but you can use that in a positive way instead of a negative way and you choose the negative, why?

Where does all the insecurities come from? Have things gotten better or worse since you started all this therapy and medications?

Psych_Major · Joined: 24 Jul 2009 Posts: 2

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

There is no pill for low self esteem and depression does not occur from insecurities. You either suffer from it or you don't. If you don't then all the medications in the world will not help you.

You say that you don't have that much control over your body, but your wrong about that, you choose what you do, your brain gives a stimulus to a body part to react. Your whole body is connected mind/body/soul and yes, you can think before you act and act the way you want, but you need to learn to like yourself more and want to act healthy.