I'm only happy when I'm losing weight.

[Alaizabel]

I can't eat without going crazy about how much weight it's going to make me gain. Alot of the time I just skip meals and try not to watch everyone else eat. I'm obsessed about how many fat grams and calories are in what I eat and I excercise alot. My mother scolds me because of my unusual habits and my hair si falling out even though she tells me that it isn't. Even though people tell me I'm skinny enough, I know that I'm not skinny enough. I want to be thin more than anything. I think if you can see a person's bones, especially their collar bones and wrist/ankle bones, they are very attractive. I've used laxatives and I tried to make myself throw up but I was crying too much. What should I do and how do I fix this mess. Is there anything even really wrong. I don't feel like there is but other people say otherwise. My mom, after I went to councelling( I didn't tell her that I wasn't in it long enough for it to do any good. We don't have any money and it make her really upset and stressed when I talked about it), insisted that my eating was getting better but I knew that it wasn't. Someone please tell me what I need to do. -Alaizabel
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My name is Alaizabel and I am seventeen. I don't really know how to describe myself, so I apologize. I hope to meet someone who can help me get through my eating disorder, so email me if you feel like talking.

[Jennifer]

Okay, I am alittle confused, do you think you have a eating disorder? In the beginnig you say that you like the way you look and towards the end, you say that you have a problem, let me know and then we can try to help. I can tell you that you can get support, but that is not going to help your self-esteem which is the only thing that can make you eat and not feel so bad. Who else do you have in your life besides your mom?

[Alaizabel]

I'm sorry. It all seems to come out so wrong now. I do like the way I look, I like to be thinner than everyone else I know but I know that it isn't right. I just can't seem to stop. I like it but I know that it is not good for me. I don't really have anyone else except my best friend but it just seems to make her depressed. I don't want her to be sad. It's like when you walk out of your house in the morning and get down the street before you realize something isn't right and that you're missing something important. I just can't seem to grasp how to stop. I get so afraid when I think of gaining weight and people staring at me. I'm sorry. Everything just comes out all muddled. -.-
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My name is Alaizabel and I am seventeen. I don't really know how to describe myself, so I apologize. I hope to meet someone who can help me get through my eating disorder, so email me if you feel like talking.

[Jennifer]

Well the only way to unmuddle things is to keep on talking. You did it again, you said that you like the way you look, but you hate gainning weight. Do you care what other people think about you? Where are you getting your idea of the ideal weight from?

[Alaizabel]

I see these perfectly thin firls at my school and think, wow. Everyone loves them, they're gorgeous. I know most of the people are looking at them and thinking that they are so pretty mostly because of how thin they are. I've always been a bit of a too-aggressive, quieter geeky type. I just want people to see me that way, I guess. I want them to realize that I can be more than what they have seen me as all of my life. I guess I just don't want to be the freak in class anymore. I'm always worried about the way people are looking at me. i never even went to the lunchroom with my friends because I was terrified of people staring at me like I was a freak. I want them to see me as a pretty girl, not the weirdo everyone makes fun of anymore.
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My name is Alaizabel and I am seventeen. I don't really know how to describe myself, so I apologize. I hope to meet someone who can help me get through my eating disorder, so email me if you feel like talking.

[Jennifer]

Girls that are deemed popular have to worry about things that others do not. They are not perfect and others expect them to be. That is a lot of pressure and it takes its toll. You need to find a way to be okay with with who you are (that gets easier after high school). In high school you are defined by such a small standard. You feel one way and others perceive ou a different way. You need to learn how to feel good about yourself and the rest will come.

[Alaizabel]

I don't think that I know how to feel good about myself. If I'm not feeling crummy about my weight, I'm worried about looking like a whore. I haven't felt good about myself for a very long time. How do I learn to see myself differently?
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My name is Alaizabel and I am seventeen. I don't really know how to describe myself, so I apologize. I hope to meet someone who can help me get through my eating disorder, so email me if you feel like talking.

[Jennifer]

What do you like about yourself?

[Alaizabel]

My eyes. I'm a good writer too. My wrists. My collar bones. I think they're pretty. That's about it.
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My name is Alaizabel and I am seventeen. I don't really know how to describe myself, so I apologize. I hope to meet someone who can help me get through my eating disorder, so email me if you feel like talking.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
Just checking to see how you are doing? Lost touch a while back.

[Alaizabel]

I'm back down to 95 pounds after awhile of trying to get there. I'm aiming for 85 by the time I start school again. Haven't really eaten anything except a pack of sweettarts since thursday night but I can't help but feel accomplished by it. It makes me happy to know that I can surpass my sisters in something I guess. Sick but true. I liek being thin even though I know it's bad. I just want to be thinner. I don't plan on eating until Monday and then I'll have some fat free cereal.
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My name is Alaizabel and I am seventeen. I don't really know how to describe myself, so I apologize. I hope to meet someone who can help me get through my eating disorder, so email me if you feel like talking.

[Alaizabel]

I'm back on the diet pills too.
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My name is Alaizabel and I am seventeen. I don't really know how to describe myself, so I apologize. I hope to meet someone who can help me get through my eating disorder, so email me if you feel like talking.

[Jennifer]

I cannot say that what you are doing is okay for you. I understand that you want to be thin, but you are not going to make it to school if you do not eat. You have an eating problem that needs to be addressed by a medical doctor and you need to get support to help you maintain a healthy lifestyle. How tall are you? I cannot imagine 85 pounds a healthy weight for anyone.

No wonder you are tired all the time. YOU are hurting yourself and I would like to know the reason why? Do you not want to live? Are you mad at someone or yourself?

[Alaizabel]

Im five feet exactly. I'm not mad at anyone although I will say I spend a lot of my time being angry at different things. I aggravate really easy. I get depressed occassionally especially when I'm isolated from my best friends. I actually cried in front of three customers at work yesterday and then cried again cause I was so embarrassed. I may not sleep much but I don't think I'm ill enough to die really. I think once I get down to 85 or 80 pounds I'll be able to stop maybe. I hope I can at least. As for the doctor thing, there isn't much that I can do about it. I've seen picture sof those super thin girls and I don't think I look like that. I still feel like a chunk.
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My name is Alaizabel and I am seventeen. I don't really know how to describe myself, so I apologize. I hope to meet someone who can help me get through my eating disorder, so email me if you feel like talking.

[Jennifer]

Those girls are air brushed and fixed up. I went to the plastic surgeron a whie back to find out how to make my face smoother. He told me that my face was great, that I needed to stop having the image that there are perfect people in this world.

I agreed with him. We all have imperfectons and that is what makes us human. We have good days and bad days and make tons of mistakes. Hopefully, we learn from them and move on. If yesterday was a bad day, then work to make tommorrow a better day

Tell us one good thing that is going to happen tommorrow.