what is the best way to proceed?

kimberkitten · Joined: 24 Feb 2010 Posts: 20

is it possible to work on a rebuilding a relationship while in therapy for eating disorder etc?

my ex and I both have issues and are in therapy (independently); but we love each other and can't imagine going through life apart. My eating disorder and self image issues affected the way I understood the things he said to me and I was hurt and angry (at myself, mostly) but I projected that on him. He was cheated on in the past and has trust issues, even though I have never cheated.

We broke up. I want to go to couples therapy (together) and get back together. He thinks I need to work on myself first. He loves me, I know that. No doubt. But I feel like he wants me to jump through hoops in order to get back together --eg he wants me to move into a home we will eventually both share, should counseling work (I have two kids and can't afford a move and higher rent on my own and I don't want to move the kids only to have to move them again). I feel like we should continue in our individual therapy and work together to build our relationship.

I guess my feeling is that if we go to couples therapy while we are apart, we won't have the opportunity to practice the skills we need. I want to be able to utilize and practice what we are taught and move forward. To be able to go to every session with feedback.

Or does it not work that way?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

there is no right way to proceed in therapy it works best if whomever is most motivated to make it work. if you can afford it, going to therapy independently and couple's counseling is the best option. but i agree with him that you need to work on yourself first then work on the relationship

kimberkitten · Joined: 24 Feb 2010 Posts: 20

to be clear then, the best way to proceed would be to not have contact with each other/end the relationship and focus on myself? If that's the case, I'm deeply saddened. I'm not sure total recovery is possible for me. This is my fourth time in treatment for the ed, and it never completely goes away. It's like a latent beast that keeps coming back. I can have periods of "healthy behavior"...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

what does your therapist say? don't agree that you need to cut off contact but you do need to focus on yourself. are you in some sort of 12 step program? hard to say without knowing all the details. you need to do what is best for you first everyone else second

kimberkitten · Joined: 24 Feb 2010 Posts: 20

no. not 12 step. Just therapy w/ counselor. I've done the 12 step thing before, and group. I am not sure that that can work for me.

My therapist thinks that I should be my priority; but that we can work on our relationship at the same time. The success will depend on our motivation and dedication. I can't imagine not fixing one without the other. I can't be a good partner while I don't care for myself properly, and I can't get past some of the personal stuff without addressing the causes and triggers from the relationship.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

if you can't imagine fixing one without the other then i dare say that you have never really focued on yourself. most of the issues that are in relationships are independent ones that need to be worked out. communication is the key one in the relationship, but if you get healthy and you might find that you become a different person and this relationship is not really for you. Happens all the time with people that get themselves together such as addicts and whatnots.