turbulent relationship over, but I am deeply hurt

[kimberkitten]

My boyfriend decided to end our relationship. I'm struggling with confusion over what happened. I simply don't understand it. I'm fairly certain that he either has Boderline Personality Disorder, or something very close to it. He consistantly displays 7 of the 9 "charachteristics" of a borderline. So, I guess I understand the underlaying issue; but what is so hard for me are the reasons he gave for ending the relationship. HE said I talk to much (never shut up) and that he doesn't have any alone time. The truth is, I only went over when I was invited, and the "talking too much" would occur when he was really moody and taking it out on me, or when we would have a disagreement and I would want to work towards understanding where he was coming from, trying to get my point across and come to a midpoint where we could agree--and he would want to shut down.

I mentioned it in an earlier post, but my (now) ex-boyfriend is transgender FtM, has been in therapy for years, has issues with depression and anxiety, takes ssri's, testosterone therapy, thyroid replacement, and various other Rx's, but also self medicates with Soma and amphetamines (rx diet drugs that he gets from a "friend"). I have no idea how that all affects his ssri's and moods. He also drinks a LOT.

I type that and I keep thinking, what kind of person would be upset over a breakup with someone who is clearly dealing with more than one person's fair share of issues. But, I really care for and love him. I love the person, not necessarily what he does.

To make matters worse, he lives just downstairs for me so I have to see him several times a day.

I have never been this crushed over a breakup in my life. I don't know what the best way to deal with it is.

[Jennifer]

the first line ofyour post says it all he is borderline and he did a number on you. what do you miss? do you miss him or the idea of him?

[kimberkitten]

I guess I don't know.

[Jennifer]

that is a good place to start. sometimes relationships like yours are much harder to get over. as you probably already know time is the best healer. do you have friends to keep your mind occupied? any hobbies that you enjoy. keeping busy is good but really time and distance are the cures.

[kimberkitten]

actually, during the course of the relationship a lot of my friends got alienated. He was only comfortable around his friends. He thought mine didn't approve of him and had a million reasons to avoid them. I know that's a huge red flag, but I ignored it.

I do have a couple friends who are very helpful and are doing their best to help me right now. They have watched this thing implode and have always been very suportive, although vocal, about the relationship.

He lives right downstairs from me, so I do have to see him constantly.

My kids are great, and a constant joy; but it breaks my heart that this has affected them, too. He took away the dog he gave us (and we have to see the dog all the time too--when he walks her). My son has really been upset over that, and my daughter was getting to the point where she wanted to call him Daddy, so she's having a hard time with him leaving the relationship. She tells me how much she loved him and it breaks my heart. I don't want to be angry, but my kids are hurting and that angers me. He was the only boyfriend that I ever allowed to meet my kids. I don't involve them in my social/romantic life, but I really thought this was a forever thing. And he knew that it was a huge deal for me. For him to disregard the relationship so casually over basically nothing... You can leave me, but I would have thought he would give more concern since the kids were involved-- and it was a mutual decision to involve them.

I'm not crying myself to sleep, and I'm not breaking down constantly, I'm not drinking to drown it out or any other harmful behaviors to mask what's going on. I'm still functioning at 100%; but I'm hurt, confused, and angry. I had a gut feeling that this might not be the best relationship for me for a while, but I was committed to working on it.

An issue I'm dealing with today is that he needs his Testosterone shot tonight, and he can't give it to himself. I want to let him know I am still willing to do that for him, but I don't know if that's a good idea. Even though I have no ulterior motives for wanting to do it (I've really thought about it, and I truly just want to help), I don't want to feel the rejection if he doesn't respond or tells me he doesn't want me doing it.

???

[Jennifer]

really bad idea giving him the shots the more you interact with him the harder it will be for you and that will confuse and upset your kids more. you need a clean break for all of your sakes. especially for your kids. your focus needs to be on them not on him.

[kimberkitten]

You're right. It's his responsibility. They are mine.

[Jennifer]

great way to look at it. maybe a trip to the human society might be a good distraction if you are ready for another dog.

[kimberkitten]

I considered that, but I want to give the kids a chance to get over the loss of Blue first. So they can fully embrace a new pet with a different personality.

I also now realize that his recent mood episode was probably caused by his taking Meridia with his depression/anxiety meds. (On top of everything else...). He had been taking it for almost a week when he flipped a switch.

Seems like a perfect storm of issues to really mess things up. Borderline, drug interactions, and taking it out on the person closest to you.

[Jennifer]

I always say that the first time you make excuses for somenes behavior is the first time you should questin the relationship. you and your kids deserve better.