this has been this way for 16 yrs. sorry for language copied

[tlonley]

I think last night I realized a lot of things. One I should have never agreed to give him another chance, I should’ve just went with my gut and left. I am not surprised at how he is acting though, because his brother always has and always will come first. Not so much as one word has voluntarily come out of his mouth, I started everything that was said to each other, and he has had nothing to say to me. Not one word of comfort, or just to let me know that he understood why I did what I did. I have come to the conclusion that I was absolutely right in assuming that when my father dies, I will be completely alone. He and his family has proven to me once again that one little wrong and you’re nothing to them.
One of my theories is, that if I’m going to be alone, and have no one to back me, and could care less if they speak to me or not, then, I can be alone , by myself. I do not need company to be alone, I know how to do alone very well, I got used to it after so many years. Secondly, if things persist, then I finally figured out how to “go to sleep” without feeling any pain. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before its quite simple. And is right at my disposal at any time.
There are a lot of things he said he was going to change, and just like I thought it was okay for a while, and then it gradually and almost sneakily slips right back. I have come not to expect him to do anything on his own, to take it upon hisself to know when to stop playing the stupid game, or to get up and tend to the children at the specific times they need it. As in their medicine times and bedtimes. He hasn’t offered to cook any meals or bothered to clean anything other than the dishes, usually after I start ranting after three days that I’m not cleaning them, then he’s usually pissed about having to do them at all. Its like, this family and me as his wife is too much of an inconvenience for him and what he wants to do. I have no idea why I listened to him and put all my trust and faith into him actually wanting our marriage to work, he cant even support me before his brother, I know what I did was wrong, but when my kids are hungry then a mother will do anything to feed or protect her children. I admitted that I was wrong and apologized and stated that I will pay it back. But, as I see nothing is ever good enough for Greg, and of course he’s always right there for his brother. I guess I will never know what its like to come first in his life, as long as I’m second to Greg.
As for if I go to jail, I really don’t care, maybe I will finally get some rest.
Well it’s 9:30pm and I left to pick up Christmas cheer at 1:00pm when I got home he was playing his game, and has yet to get off it. That is 8hrs. only breaking for dinner and to change Zach, and bathroom. As usual, no words have been said towards us, and when I did have to talk to him about Annie, he acted like absolutely nothing was wrong, and I know as soon as I say one word it will be about what happened and not how he didn’t support me. Oh, he’ll say I backed you up, but it’s a completely different picture to view when he’s off the phone with his brother and hasn’t spoke two words to me.
I don’t understand why he said he was really going to change and how I needed to be 100%, but he hasn’t got that 100% to give back. I thought that our marriage vows stated for better or worse , in good times and bad. Apparently when the times are bad and they include his brother, he has no time left for me to support. Even though I admitted to everything and apologized , ( that’s all he used to scream, that I never admitted to anything and couldn’t say sorry) its still his holy brother, who does no wrong. He didn’t do any wrong when he wanted me to suck his dick, he wasn’t wrong to ask me to keep getting pills even though I could’ve been caught. And he didn’t do any wrong when he stole thousands of dollars from a business, or stole someone elses motorcycle. Yeah he had to pay for the damages , and that’s exactly what im going to do but in Thomas’ eyes, Greg is perfect. To this day I cant believe he let him off the hook for asking me to suck his dick when I was pregnant with Randal. Now that blows my mind. I cant believe he has that little of respect for us and our marriage. I also was a total dumbass for believing games wouldn’t control his life anymore. I mean we have games that everyone can play, or we could go to the park, but the first thing he does when theres nothing on tv is go right to his 360. Now I know I told him he could play it and I meant it, but 8 and ½ hrs. now, and he never suggests anything to do as a family like the games, he even has a game for the 360 that we all can play but, he would rather go in the room and ignore everyone and everything.
Now I know for sure that this marriage means absolutely nothing to him. He doesn’t care what happens to it. So in return I am not and will not show anymore effort to it either. Why should I break my back and continue to be ignored when its obvious he isn’t trying.
Another thing I don’t understand is I have lost 85lbs. and some nights strut around here wearing nothing but a shirt and sexy underwear, and yeah he may look , but that’s all I get. I really thought that me being skinny would provoke him to want more sex, boy was I dead wrong. And he wonders why when we do have sex I’m not into it or that I don’t want to be the one to start it, well when everything else is getting ignored and you act like I don’t exist, except for when you want to rant about the people at work , why would I want to. I don’t feel sexy, because he never says it and when he did say it , it didn’t count cause all he wanted was a piece of ass. I cant remember a time that he said it without his hands being all over me groping, and that night led to sex. It was basically because he was horny and he thought that , was a good way to get me “in the mood”.
I guess I’m saying , its just not working. I think our relationship was over a long time ago, and now we are going through the motions, out of convenience and I’m sure some of it has to do with the kids to. I think in his mind he thinks he’s doing the right thing, by “trying” but his heart hasn’t been here for a couple years.

I don’t know exactly how to explain any of this to him, because I know it will fall right back on , what just happened, and will be thrown in my face. I tried to explain one simple thing of how I didn’t feel the support from him , like I gave him when he forged names and got fired , and sure enough he jumped right to stating that I was trying to make what I did his fault. There’s absolutely no talking or discussing anything with him, because its either he is always right or someone is trying to place blame on him, or he just doesn’t want to even try to understand and comes up with something completely different than what I’m trying to explain and it just blows up. I think this time I will just keep my mouth shut, something tells me he will never figure it out , but its really emotionally hard to feel alone, when you need, want , and expect your husband to be right there for you , but he can only be there for his brother. Yeah God damnit I did it, my kids were hungry, he got fired, we ran out of money, but he doesn’t see that I had to forge names to get money, because of him forging names to get fired, and he will never see that. He just sees that Greg and his stupid wife are upset, and as for him saying its on his credit, hes a fuckin lier. If that were true he would’ve sang like a bird about getting a judgement for a warrant in debt, and even after he got the warrant , he still would have to wait until after the court date listed before it would show up on his credit. The one that is showing up on his credit , is where HIS check bounced from Melanie, but of course he’s to stupid to see that, he automatically blamed me. And Thomas and his stupid wife believed it. How dumb can you be, doesn’t he know you actually need to get a judgement against your credit before it appears when you have a write off? But with the bounced check , it is a different credit demerit against you. Im not even going to try to explain that one because sure as shit I will be completely WRONG again, so whats the use. Im better off to keep my thoughts to my journal.
One day, Thomas will be sorry he has so selfishly ignored me and our marriage. He is the only man I’ve ever loved, I gave him my heart and soul, I took him back when he left me. I do everything for him, wash his clothes clean his house, make his coffee, cook his meals, take care of bills, kids, dogs, dr. appts. Get him things at the store, help him with vehicle work if he needs it , I even paint , rearrange furniture, put new floors down, and any other maintenance that I can do and I don’t even ask him to do the trash , also I’ve only said it once to him and haven’t again, about his face trimming on the bathroom mirror, I clean it, and the bathtub and the toilet, and when he needs it I even cut his hair. I tell you I only have dreams about someone who would do all of those things for me, and really never complain , only when the kids aren’t putting their share in. I don’t know what its like to be loved that much, so I guess I’m not missing anything.
All I ever wanted , was for him to love me, the way a husband should love his wife ,…unconditionally. But I understand fully that he just cant , and never will. Ive been waiting for 16 yrs. And I’m done waiting, I hope his brother and his games can give him the love that I had for him, because one day he will be lonely to and then he will understand how heartbroken I was. Im done crying over him I don’t think I have any feelings left for him to hurt. As for the sex , I’m done with that to , he really thinks I wasn’t serious last time that I didn’t care if he jacked off in the shower or wherever he gets off at, I honestly didn’t care then and I don’t care now, especially since that will be the only sexual affection he’ll be getting. Apparently I wasn’t good at that either, if so there would’ve been a whole lot more fucking going on, and I know how that turned out.
Well its now 11:00 and that is 9 1/2 hrs later on game and finally hes done. And so am I. Peace.
At least I can talk to myself and understand how I feel, because no one else ever will.
12/22/2008
Well, today of course in my life is no better. First it started with, Thomas getting fired, and now no money. When he got home, a bit of the problem at hand was disagreed upon. He had the nerve to actually expect me to apologize to him for the check incident. Stating that I owed him an apology for keeping it from him, after the fact. Yet when he did the same thing regardless of if it was the same day, he didn’t tell me until after the fact, so whats the difference. I know that I am not a child and he isn’t my boss or master and I didn’t do it to him so I don’t “owe” him nothing. That right there tells me that he thinks I should apologize to him because I did it to Greg. Once again putting his feelings for Greg before his feelings for me. I’m still getting hounded for what I did, and nothing is ever going to be good enough for either one of them. Maybe if I sprouted wings and a halo, and become just like Greg, then I would be exhonorated. He keeps stating that I didn’t tell him because I knew he wouldn’t have let me do it. Well I know he didn’t think that , that was the only alternative I had to do. He wasn’t getting up off his ass looking for a job, and once again left it up to me to go to social services and get food stamps, and Medicaid, and to tell him over and over again to get unemployment. He wont see that , no he’ll see that he was doing everything he could do get work, but I lived different, and now have to pay for it, he wont see that he was the one that basically forced me to do something , I didn’t have a choice to do. Yeah I had a choice on the 275 and I take full responsibility for it, but to answer his question of why , because yeah you wouldve said no, and would rather have let your kids starve and things get taken away, so I needed to look out for me and mine, because at times like that , hes way to damn self riteous.
Now knowing him he will sit on his ass once again and take forever to find a job, even though I told him about four places. Which in turn will leave us broke and may loose everything. But this time I have news for him if he takes longer than a week, then he can sit here and clean the house and do the doctors appts. And everything else I do he thinks is so damn easy, and I will work. And maybe I will and maybe I wont make as much as him, but I tell you the first time he degrades me and says that “ok you work, but you need to make as much as me” he will regret it. I have supported him in 98% of the job choices he has made, good or bad, and whatever I choose is better than sitting on my ass not doing anything, especially if that’s what hes doing.
As for our problem, he , like I said is CLUELESS and I don’t intend to explain any of it to him. So im sure things will escalate once again basically because he wont be able to figure out what the problem is. And if I told him it would do no good. Because in his eyes none of it would be true. But that’s how the story goes.
So needless to say another holiday is down the tubes. And he wonders why I hate holidays. If he would open his eyes its as clear as day.
I cant believe he actually asked me why would I eat and do that again after all the hard work I put into loosing weight, I mean HELLO, I wonder why, its not like you look at me, so who do I have to look this way for? Certainly not myself, because I was way more happier when I could eat whatever I wanted. Now I don’t eat shit and see everybody else eating whatever they want , I did all of this for him and might as well have been doing it for the four walls in the house. I get more comments from guys in public than from my own husband, and that’s sad. You would figure he would want to be the one to give me attention but he seems to not care. So that was my answer to him when he asked , I said I don’t care, and I don’t. If I had wanted another guy to look at me then I would’ve left him to do this, but I didn’t. Now I don’t see any point in continuing.
If I had another house or money to go to with me and my kids , I would just leave, I don’t want the complication anymore. Having to explain every little thing that’s wrong to him is to exhausting, and after 16yrs. Of him not being in tune with me and knowing, without me having to go through all of it , I’m not sure its worth it. I just want to run away, and keep running and never look back, I’m heartbroken if I go and heartbroken if I stay, so whats the answer?
12/23/2008
Well he left at about 11:15 to I suppose look for a job. To find out though last night he was looking online for concrete cutting jobs, even though I specifically asked him never to do that type of work anymore. I honestly think its because of the perks that come with that work. Such as when he got to go to Las Vegas. I think he likes the fact of being able to travel away from home, because then he doesn’t have to deal with any of the stuff that goes on here. And he wouldn’t have to hear or see me.
Why yesterday when he got fired it didn’t surprise me that he went running to his brother, for all things money. I wouldn’t take a dime from his brother, not now. Instead of him going to his brothers and spending about 3-4 hrs there he could’ve used that time and went to Startek like I told him when he called me. But of course, Greg comes first. And then as if he was proud of being fired he started to call all these people and telling them all about it. Actually had the nerve to say cant cry over spilled milk. Oh my God, I hardly think this is spilled milk, and he will be crying if he starts loosing everything he has.
I don’t understand also how he can take Tug outside and see he has no water and not give him any. Why does it take someone to tell a 32 yr. old man to give a dog water. Its not that hard. Which leads me to believe that if it were just him and the kids they wouldn’t get half the care that I have to do for them, because if he cant even give a dog water how can I expect him to take care of the kids properly. But yet he tells me that he could do it and wouldn’t have any problems. I strongly disagree. Poor dog,comes in here and wants his attention and he never gives him the time of day. He was gotten for him because of what happened to his father, something from me to him to try to heal his heart, he had time for him when he was a puppy and was little, but since he’s grown up he has nothing to give him. Maybe I should find him a home because it would be better than being ignored and stuck in a cage all your life. Theres a lot of people in this house that gets ignored and I guess whats a dog but just one more thing to not pay attention to, or take care of.
Im sure while hes out of work nothing will fet done that could be done, such as all the trash that is up against the garage, or up against the dog pen. He could put the mower up and actually listen to me when I say theres something wrong with the van and try to find out what it is , instead of calling me a liar , more or less. That’s what I don’t get if it was someone else then he would get right to trying to figure out what it was so he could help them , but when I say something , I don’t know what im talking about. I am the one that drives that ban all the time, not him, and I think I would know when something is going on with it.
Guaranteed while hes supposedly trying to find a job he will go to see Alan and probableven Greg again. Why I have no idea its not like they can hire him, or have a way to get him a job, my guess is because he doesn’t want to look for a job or just doesn’t want to come back home to soon, and would rather shoot the shit with his friends or his brother. Which would be another indicator that he could care less about our marriage, and is only making things worse. But that’s okay because like I said in the past I don’t need anyone because ive learned over the years to count on myself and not to expect to much out of him, its just to hard for him to handle, to put anybody or anything in front of his brother. I have accepted the fact that I will never come before his brother, yeah maybe in the beginning but slowly his brother has moved to the front of the line again.
So last night when he asked me if I need help wrapping the gifts, of course I said no, because while he was playing his game or sitting on his ass when I was wrapping the other ones he could’ve been helping me and chose not to. So why would I want your help for the last 7 or 8 gifts. I think if I have done all the other ones I can manage 8 presents by myself to. If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t have a Christmas tree, he wanted a real one and I told him we didn’t have the money to buy one so we needed to get a fake one, and nothing was ever said about it again. As for Christmas dinner and thanksgiving dinner I will no longer do either one. He never even said that it was good this year. E didn’t help clean the house or set up anything I did everything and im tired of not being appreciated. So let him go with Greg and his stupid wife to her grannys if he wants a dinner, cause its not coming from me. I hope he enjoys this Christmas dinner it will be the very last I make. Even when he found out I was making red velvet cake, instead of being happy, he started to criticize , saying you know you have to do this and you have to have this, like im stupid and cant read a recipe. Only word I have for that is ungrateful. I was doing it because I thought it would remind him of his dad but all I got was criticism. I absolutely refuse to celebrate any holiday again. The only thing that will be celebrated by me is my childrens birthdays. If he wants to celebrate any other holiday, then its up to him to do decorations and meals, im through.
12/24/2008
Well , its another day and absolutely nothing has been said once again. As I said before, I am not initiating any conversation. And I really don’t want to talk about it, because I am happy being left alone. Which is why I go to the bedroom every night and watch t.v. by myself. If anything was to be said it would be the same old line all over again, how its my fault and I should apologize to him, and that he wasn’t the one who wasn’t talking, and if he were to want to try to make everything all better, it would just be that same old line again of how everything will change and blah , blah, blah. I just don’t want to hear it again. For one, it was supposed to be that way already and I know how that worked out. I think maybe I should start looking for a place for me and the kids and daddy, because I have tried and tried and gave in so many times that now it seems like I’m just a fool if I stay this time. That I don’t care if I’m not important to him, and go ahead and treat this marriage any way you see fit. I don’t know exactly what decision I will come to yet, all I know is that I cant believe him this time, he talks a good game , just doesn’t know how to follow through with his plays. Apparently he hasn’t a thought or care in the world about me not talking to him or not wanting to be naked beside of him, not wearing my rings, or just our marriage at all. If so , if he cared as much as he said he did when he was trying to convince me into to give up this last time wouldn’t he try to do something, say something. That to me says it all, that he was just saying all of that before because to stay together is convenient for him. Its still no reason to be that way to your wife youre supposed to love. I have tried to understand him for 16yrs and still cant and im tired of trying to. At some point in a persons life you just have to say enough is enough. As for me I guess whatever happens , happens.
12/25/2008
Merry Christmas to me. Since I am the only one who has said it , I thought I owed it to myself to at least wish myself a merry Christmas. I cooked yesterday and got up at 6am this morning to start cooking and preparing everything again, and not one merry Christmas, or kiss my ass , or go to hell , nothing. No even one thank you for the dinner, or it was good, even when he saw that I was done with vacuuming AGAIN and done with dinner, he still sat on his ass and didn’t lift a finger to wash the measly couple of dishes in the sink. I guess he thinks it’s easy to cook all that food and have it ready by a certain time. Oh yeah , I forgot , I’m supposed to be wonder woman I can do everything. God forbid he have to actually do something, to help me and not himself or his brother or someone else. I’m just his wife so I can wait or do it myself. All he does is sit there like a knot on a log. I get the kids medicine and every night since he was fired I’ve done it and put them to bed , all but last night and he put them to bed. Of which I cant believe, because he was to busy to really pay attention to Annie when she was talking to him, doesn’t surprise me though because he was on his trusty computer. He is also very adamant about putting it up every night, almost as if he doesn’t want me to go through it. Any other time he would’ve left it on the kitchen table. That’s okay though because when he goes to get his check tomorrow I will have a chance to see for myself. At this point even if I found something that was not supposed to be on there, I don’t think I would say anything , I think I will keep it to myself and let it fester in him. I will keep it under my hat and see how many things add up and maybe I would say something and maybe I will just let him do what he wants. He seems a lot happier when he’s doing whatever he wants anyway , so why spoil it for him.
I don’t understand how you can watch someone you love cook this big ass meal , knowing its for you and your mom and cant lift a finger to try to help , with cleaning or trash , of which I emptied all of them to, along with going to the store to get what I forgot.
And when you went out to get cigarettes you didn’t even bother to get me any, yeah you got up and got my daddy some but no one asked you to, I said I would borrow the money from Randal. Not Thomas get up and go get them, I mean if you cant even get your wife any who wants you to go and get my dad any. Just keep looking out for number one. You know that taking care of no.1 is priority. At least I’m not delusional and I realize what and who he is so that’s why you don’t see me shedding a tear. Too many tears have been shed and for nothing because I see right where I am today.
I think maybe by Sunday if this is still what it’s going to be, then I will just flat out ask him to go stay with his brother. And let that be that. I’m sure if he’s right there with his brother to hold his hand then he’ll feel much better. And I’m sure be way happier than he is now. Well my point is , why stay here if this is the way it’s going to be. What’s the use , you’re no good to me and we’re not speaking anyway, so you tell me. Oh and I know he would say that he wasn’t talking because I wasn’t but I have news for him, he only said something to me when I asked a question, or made a statement. So I figured if you don’t have anything to say to me then why should I bother to speak to you. So that’s the truth, but you watch and see how that truth wont come out of his mouth, it will be something completely different making him look good as usual.
So anyway, that was my day, sucked and it just keeps going.
12/26/2008
Today is my dads birthday, and I’m glad he was still here for me to wish him a happy birthday. 62 yrs. Old today.
As for Thomas, that’s a different story. Yet another day has gone by and no words spoken, except to argue about unemployment. He has had every opportunity to say anything and of course nothing. He has no intention of saying something and if he does I’m sure it wont be pretty. I still stick to what I said earlier, that if by Sunday he hasn’t then I will ask him to go to his brothers house. Why would he stay here hes not speaking to me, and I am not going to speak to him, so maybe he needs to go where he is wanted and he will have someone to talk to. Maybe he’ll get his license fixed and go on the road with Greg, maybe that would make him happy. At this point I don’t care what kind of work he gets it wont bother me one way or another. Right now as it stands when hes here, hes really not.
Case in point, I just had to leave to go get my daddy some medicine, and while I was gone he didn’t give Zach or Randal their medicines or change the baby or change Zach. He could’ve told Randal to get the dogs food but of course that was too much for him to handle. Anything more than holding down the couch or on the game or computer would be to much to ask for. I don’t understand how you can live in a house and be oblivious to what is going on around you. I also don’t understand why I have to be the one to do everything that needs to be done all the time. I don’t get any rest I have dark circles under my eyes, my knee and back hurt like hell and yet he just sits there and watches.
If you ask me that’s no husband, that’s not love, that is someone who is only for themselves. He has never cleaned the bedroom, or bathroom, ever. He doesn’t offer to help me to do anything since the so called change he was going to make. The only thing he offered was to help wrap presents, and what for I was almost done. Im physically and mentally tired emotionally there is nothing left, and I’m tired of doing it all. When your married you’re supposed to share the responsibilities that come with having a house and kids, and so far it’s been 85/15 and that’s not enough for me. I need to just tell him that it is very obvious he just isn’t cut out for marriage and sharing the responsibilities of a marriage is just something he is not ready to give. When you love someone you’re supposed to be there for them always no matter what, not just basically walk away when they need you most. He just cant give me what I want and need.
I remembered last night the only two times I have ever been truly happy with him. One he was in boot camp and graduating , when I came to visit he made it known that he loved me unconditionally in every way. And the other, we had just got back together and was at Randy’s house. That was a time I felt so much love and affection from him like there was nothing on earth that was more important to him than our marriage. Since then, its all been downhill. Now its to the point if we look in each others direction then it’s a good day.
How can my life have turned out this way? How can you just stop loving a person you’ve spent 16yrs. Of your life with. With me I didn’t just stop, its been day by day, slowly like an open wound that someone keeps pouring salt in just a little at a time, so it hurts just enough. I wonder if he knows that is mental abuse. I know better than to tell him that because of course I would be full of shit. But he should know he spent many years receiving it from his father, so I guess he would know how to dish it out to someone to.
Oh well, I guess tonight after I put the boys to bed and the baby, off to my quiet room I go. Maybe I’m looking at it all wrong, maybe he enjoys being alone to, I guess I should’ve thought of that. Oh well that is my life.


sorry for language, i copied from my journal.

[Jennifer]

What is it that you want from him? Do you think things will or could be different after such a long time? Can you leaving him?

[tlonley]

i want him to be the husband he promised , i have seen it he has been the way a husband should, but it always seems to go right back to whats more important for him. such as when hes on the computer or his game and the keds try to ask him a question or talk to him he totally ignores them, the same way he ignores me. my 12yr. old daughter now says why bother talking to him he isnt paying attention anyway. i just feel that if he really wanted to stay in the marriage and loved me like he said then wouldnt he want to try to change and stick with it. something tells me thats asking way to much though , because ive told him that after so long of trying to change and him keep going back to the old ways , just means that he is not able to change that it is his personal make up, its just who he is , so ive tried to give him a easy way out and he wont even take that. its like he enjoys seeing me this way. the only reason i cant leave is i have no job no money, and i take care of me the three disabled kids and my disabled father who lives downstairs. believe me if i had a way to go or somewhere to go i would. he actually has places he can go like his brothers and absolutely refuses. so what do ya do. stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Jennifer]

people don't just change and they never change for someone else. when you decide to be with someone, you need to be okay with who they are because they will always revert back to their old ways even if they don't realize it.

not sure what you want/expect from him but it seems that you are not getting it and unless he is motivated you are not going too get what you want.