silent treatment

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

So my husband and I have been arguing often since we have gotten married. We have been verbally abusive towards each other. I know our relationship is unhealthy and have read books on verbal abuse and how to stop it. I'm also reading a Christian book about a healthy marital relationship. With all of this new knowledge I am trying to change myself for the better and stop the abuse. It's been rough. I thought things were getting better but now we are right back where we started. I am currently getting the silent treatment from my husband for an argument we had. This was 5 days ago and not the first time we have gone this long without talking. I haven't seen him for two days and we live in the same apt. When this happens I usually become very depressed and don't want to get out of bed and usually sleep as much as I can. I've even called out of work. It's starting to affect me physically. This time I've decided to reach out. I need things to change. I fear for my physical and mental health. I have already apologized to him. But I refuse to beg. Please help. What should I do and why is he doing this to me?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you need to tell me why he is doing this to you? what have you been learning from the books that you have been reading?

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

Well..the argument was because I tried to talk to him about a problem I was having with a friend of mine over a bridesmaids dress. He basically told me the situation was my fault. I asked him if he could be a little more supportive. I also asked him if he cared and if I was asking too much of him. He then accused me of being sarcastic...and said I was being abusive. This wasn't the case. He then started to blame me again. This was over the phone. So I told him if all he was going to do is blame me then I wanted to get off the phone. I said have a good nite and he Hung up on me. He then text me and said he was done and I could have his wedding ring back. He hasn't given it to me mind you. I tried to call him several times to apologize if I came off as disrespectful. He wouldn't answer. When I got home I asked him why he wasn't answering his phone and he said he had nothing to say to me. I said well if your done your done. I'm tired of running after him. I did leave him a note saying I was sorry. He still won't speak to me. The books say he is doing this to gain control I guess. That its a tactic to wear me down. I'm trying not to let that happen this time. But I just wish he would be honest with me and talk to me at least. Some other things have been going on too. Before this incident I have told him that neither of us can say abusive things towards each other. Like call each other bad names or say defining statements. He also said that my ideas are a joke because they are only for me and accuses me of using this to my advantage. However I feel like he's the one that's doing this. Whenever I try to talk to him about something he acuses me of abuse and follows with verbal abuse.

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

I really think he doesn't want to be with me anymore. We just got married in April. I think maybe he's just using this argument as an excuse. I don't know if there is someone else but who knows.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

do you want to be with him?

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

If things can change yes....but things don't look so good right now and I'm starting to realize I'm not getting what I need from this relationship. He is not kind caring or understanding....he is harsh cold and critical. Things weren't always this way. I guess the answers no. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. I just don't know how to get out of this. I'm going to need a lawyer and a lot of money because I'm sure he's not going to make this easy.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you just stated that he doesn't want to still be in the relationship, why would it be so difficult?

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

Because this isn't the first time this has happened. We've gone two weeks without talking before. Then he'll come talk to me and I end up staying and things are ok for a while. Previously he's threatened me with a civil suit. Also he said he won't sign divorce papers. So u see. It's complicated. Also if I were to move out of our apt. I would have to give him over 1200 dollars for breaking the lease early. I pay half of all the bills. I don't have 1200 dollars to give him right now.

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

Im not very familiar with the law.

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

I just want my life back. I used to be a much happier person. Just don't know how to get there. This relationship has really weighed heavily on my entire being. I feel like I have no control over my own life anymore.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

a lot of arguments for such a short time. yes it will be ugly and expensive and you can chalk it up to a good learning lesson for later in life but it sounds as if this was not what you signed on for. was it ever good? do you believe it could be good again?

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

NO That is correct I definitely did not sign up for this. Things were great the first year of our relationship. That's about it. Overall weve been together for about 5 years. We've had plenty of arguments over things. Like I said id see glimmers of change but we always wind up back to this. I dont think he is capable of recognizing the needs of others or mine for that matter. Don't get me wrong I haven't been perfect in this relationship and ive made mistakes but i have never cheated and have always put him first even though he says i dont. There is a huge whole in our relationship. It's called understanding. At this point I think it would really depend on him to help the relationship along. I already have been working on myself by trying to communicate with him more clearly and cut out the verbally abusive pattern. I've never felt so much anger or felt so misunderstood by another human being my entire life. A learning experience.....yes but how many more of these am i going to have to go theough until I find someone that's good for me and I him?

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

when you find the right one, you just know, of course there is compromise and arguments but its worth it Very Happy

klenich · Joined: 15 Sep 2010 Posts: 10

That's what people say. Its always been hard for me to recognize a healthy relationship I think because my parents relationship was nonexistent. They were married for 20 yrs and didn't have any communication skills but they always treated my sister and I well. I think I really mirage out on seeing what a healthy marital relationship is. My husbands father was never around so be missed out too. But I want to learn and want to change but I don't think my husband has a clue and don't k.ow if he ever will.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

is he talking to you yet?