please help

[please help]

I posted on here a few times under please help. I married the older widow with a spending problem, possibly borderline personality disorder. I left late last year and we have been talking off and on mostly her asking me for money. She does have enough coming in to support her and her 2 sons 18 & 17. She was going to move in with me and take her younger son. I am willing to support her and her son as this is what she wants. Do I think it's fair no, but am willing to do it. We have no relationship expect dealing with her financial mess. It's sick.

The whole argument came down to her having what I feel is a compulsive spending problem. She was losing home and being chased for bad checks. I solved those issues for her and she kept demanding more money from me.

Last night we were making plans (on phone ) for older son to get an apartment ( he has baby) and her and younger son to move with me. Wife kept saying I need to pay rent and her utility bills. I agreed to pay electric bill but she kept insisting I pay rent as I have not paid anything in several months. I live in different state. When I asked her about childrens social security money coming in and told her to use that money for rent she kept saying it was not my money and none of my business.

She said that all along. Almost 2k per month coming in for benefits is for her and her kids to buy clothes and have fun while I am expected to work 2 jobs while in graduate school and support them. She quit her job after we were married against my wishes. I even drafted a budget before we were married explaining how we both have to work while her kids are in school.

I simply cannot communicate with her because she keeps yelling about having bills to pay. Early in marriage , I was paying her bills and she started giving me older bills from before we were together to pay. When I objected, she told her kids I would not pay them because it was in their deceased fathers name. She said these things so her kids would hate me. Younger step son even stuck up for me told her to stop putting me down as I have been nothing but good to them. He remebers me taking him grocery shopping when they had nothing. I miss him. My point was those old bills were in her late husbands name and we can simply switch services such as phone , cable etc and not have to deal with these large bills.

Since I am unfortunately going ahead with a divorce as I cannot communicate with her enough to plan a move ( her mother and step father do not talk to her for same problem. She puts no effort into relationships i.e never gets her mother a card on mothers day. It's a one way street for her).

My question is should I bother paying electric bill as I said I would do? I did say it but was trying to create the contingency she show me what is going on with the finances and we close her house down together instead of in crisis mode and peacefully move her and step son in with me. I thought by doing so it would be a step closer to closing her house down and reuniting us. I think she is so screwed up financially again she's clawing at everyone for money. Instead, she keeps demanding I pay other bills too and lies about her kids ss money saying it stopped because he's 18 when in fact I called SS office and they told me he's still getting it while in school. I feel she should have been willing to contribute to household if I am trying to support her and her 2 kids while we were together. This is why I left. I do not think she can maintain the rental house with her spending problem. If I do not pay electricilty and rent, she will have to move in with her parents. They like the kids but not her. I think it's best because even at 44 yrs old, she is not mature enough to make decisions one needs to run a house. She survived all these years because of mom in law who was wealthy giving her money. Lots of it. Mom in law passed away.

2nd question: Why did I have so much difficulty communicating with her? Any suggestions? I would save marriage if I could but do not want to keep putting money into a black hole. I guarantee she is thousands in debt and that is the only reason she still talks to me. She talked to a counselor once over the phone and admitted to him she married me because she was lonley and in tough financial shape.

I want a free conscious. The household cannot stand with her spending and she will be living with her parents. Is there really a need I prolong that for a month or so because of something I said in passing while trying to reach an agreement?


thanks in advance

[Jennifer]

I'm going to tell you the same thing that I have said to you each time you post because you post the same exact problem each time. All she wants is someone to pay her bills and you are it. If you are okay being that person to her than do it, if not you need to cut all ties with her and let her fend for herself. Not an easy thing to do because it is clear that you care about her, but it does not seem as if she cares about you, just wants you to be her financial support system when it doesn't seem as if you have the means to do that.

[please help]

Thank you for the brutal honesty. I came here looking for that. I think somewhere in me says I want to know she loves me but is confused or maybe has a mental health problem. None of that matters. Bottom line as you clearly stated is she is simply using me to survive financially. There is no love at all and I deserve to be loved. I have alot to offer !!

Thnaks for letting come back here and giving me the proverbial "smack in the head" I needed to reaffirm what I have known all along.

Thanks for providing this service !!

[Jennifer]

my pleasure, anytime you want a professional "smack" come on back