please help!!! p.s. a very long story...

[crazynbeautiful1987]

HELLO my name is maria. I am 22 yrs old. I met my boyfriend, chris, 22 yrs old, on myspace. We been dating for 2 yrs now. and our relationship is not so great. We also have A very hard time seeing each other due to distance, work schedules, and my strict parents.

he said he loves me, and i love him. We just both really have big TRUST issues.

when we started dating everything was so perfect. i was his first girlfriend. and he was the man of my dreams, and i was the woman of his. everything was so BEAUTIFUL. until i MESSED IT UP. i loved him. but i was also insecure, and i also had my doubts. i was thinking to myself... OMG this is too good to be true. So i let my mind play games with me, and throw negative thoughts in my head. so to save myself from getting hurt again... i thought the best thing to do is to lie to him. make things up that NEVER HAPPENED just to TEST him to see how he would react. I KNOW IT WAS REALLY STUPID AND CHILDISH. I was very immature and dumb at the time. i had no one to really talk to, so, i thought i would do all this in my own. later everything that i did led to him to believe that i was cheating. WHICH I NEVER EVER DID.

i never meant to hurt him. i never thought all this dumb pointless things that i did would later backfire on me either.

he loved me so much. He said he love me because i was pure. because i was different from all the girls that he ever known, and that i was unique.
he was always honest, sweet, caring, gentle, polite, respectful, and etc. he was almost too perfect. he was all these things, and cute. he put up alot with me. he still stayed with me even after i did those things to him. he would cry every time he felt hurt. it was horrible

like months later his love for me grew to anger. he started thinking that i was cheating on him. so he started changing little by little. soon as you know it he became this cruel and heartless person. he says i changed him to a person that he never wanted to be. he said that GIRLS like me was the reason why he stayed away from relationships. he said i broke his heart. but he still wanted to be with me. he just was being cruel to me in the same time. HE would tell me very hurtful things. he became a mentally and verbally abusive.

all this happen all because of my stupidity. so when i saw who he was becoming I FINALLY OPENED MY EYES, AND REALIZED THE MESS THAT I MADE. so i changed. i was trying everything to make our relationship better. but nothing was working. but he didnt want to leave me. and he said he dont know why. i even lost my virginity to prove to him that i did loved him. but not even that worked. that just made it worst.

three months of me trying i finally tried talking to him. i confessed to him about everything, and apologizing him. i begged to him to forgive me, and to become his self again. that i did not like the person that he became. he cried. we talked. He confessed that he cheated on me. he told me that he was sorry. he said he was so hurt, that he thought i was cheating, which led him to cheat.

so what i did was i forgave him. and he forgave me. which he never did. he didnt trust me no more. he still was verbal and mentally abusive. he was controlling me. blackmailin me. playin with my emotions. he had FULL control of me. and i followed. i allowed it because of my guilt. he would tell me if i wanted him to change i have to change first. and i was like WHY DO I HAVE TO CHANGE IF IM NOT DOING NOTHING WRONG. IM DIFFERENT NOW. U HAVE TO BELIEVE ME. I DESERVE A SECOND CHANCE... AND he would just disagree with everything that came out of my mouth. he assumed still that i was cheating. he would make me call him every time i go out, to the time i come back home. if i had left anything else out he would threaten to break up with me.

i was hurting myself. i allowed this to go out of proportion. i lost self respect. i started gaining weight due to depression. i was a mess. and he just was being heartless. soon as you know it i would not hear from him in days. he would diss me for his friends. he called me a whore. a bitch. everthing that u just dont say to ur girlfriend he said to me. i know i lied and what i did was wrong. but what i did to him can not amount to what he did to me. what he was doing was 10 times worst.

it went on like this for a yr and a half. i did not know how to leave him. i just loved him to much. i felt that i cant give up on him. i thought i know that guy that i fell in love with is still there. that i just need to reach out and try harder. but nothing worked. things just got worst each day. we would break up, then make up. he would cry tell me he loves me. he said he does not know how to stop. he said he just cant forgive me. he said he cant trust me no more. so i decided to break up with him. which was the hardest thing for me to do.

a week later he tried to get back with me. he came over crying begging me to take him back. and i was like NO. cause i was afraid he was still going to be the same way. but we decided to be friends. i never thought we would ever get back together.

In the time that we was not together...I became sexually active. I had sex with 8 different guys. I did not know how to stop. and three of them was guys CHRIS hated. and i did not do it on purpose to get back at him. They just happen to be there. The rest of the guys i were strangers. i only met once or twice. I put my life at risk by not have protective sex either. i went out of control. i was just trying to keep my mind off him. but not even that worked. I was still missing him. but it did keep the pain away sometimes. ME sleeping with guys was not like me. it was against my beliefs, and etc. I never thought i would do something like that. but i did. and it affected me later on. BIG TIME. i got depressed even more.

a month later me and boyfriend had a big talk after i came back from my three week vacation. soon as you know it HE asked me if i have been sleeping around. and i could not help but be honest to him. so i just open my self to him. i was so lonely. and i was missing him... cause even when he was an ASSHOLE to me. he was a good friend. So when i told him.. he cried like a baby. which lasted for hours. then he just confessed everything to me and me to him. he told me that he was sorry for everything. that he cant live without me, and etc.he apologized for not trying hard enough. then CHRIS asked me to take him back ONCE AGAIN. this time i could not say NO. So, i agreed. WE CRIED AND JUST TALKED ALL NIGHT TILL THE SUN RISED. that whole month was so good. it was just like how it used to be. PERFECT. we promised eachother to never hurt one another again. also to never bring up the past. and he promised to forgive me, and that he was going to let the past go.

then one day me and him went to a party. i got drunk. he got so mad at me. HE started yellIN at me for getting drunk. then, a week later i told him i was going JOGGING on this day... but in the last minute i decided to stop by my friends house, and coincidentally my phone is off. i dont know why. so right when i turned it on... CHRIS was calling. i picked up he started yelling...cursing me out. asking me where im at. he tried calling me for a whole hour. he said that he could not reach me. chris, started to ask me all sort of questions...he asked me if went to a dudes house... after those two events occurred, things went back to how they use to be.

he said i fucked up the relationship once again. that he cant trust me all over again.

and now he just been calling me a whore from LEFT to RIGHT... now he thinks that ive lied to him about everything. he thinks that i lied about me being a virgin. he throws shit at me ABOUT THE PAST in my face every chance he gets. he tells me that IM NOTHING, THAT IM WORTHLESS. THAT IM NOT SPECIAL TO HIM. THAT IM NOTHING TO HIM. THAT I MESSED HIS LIFE UP. All he does is complain. Then, later, he comes and apologizes and tells me he did not mean it.

i dont know what to do anymore. i love him. i know he loves me. but he just dont trust me at all. im tired of him stepping on me. tired of him treating me like SHIT.

he said he wants to change. but he does not know how. i ask him if he wants to break up... HE SAYS NO. so i dont know. im totally confused about everything

im sorry for the STORY... but i think its best to tell everything that happened so maybe you can understand better the situation... but please get bak to me. what should i do.

[Jennifer]

whether its love or not it is highly toxic and needs to be ended with no more contact. once you break free you need to work on your self by learning to like/love who you are. doesn't matter who cheated etc you two are not right for each other and the only way for you to be in a healthy relationship is to get healthy yourself