new relationship? but she just got rid of her ex..

DJ35 · Joined: 21 Apr 2010 Posts: 4

Hi,
I met a girl about 8 weeks who I straight away really liked. To be honest that does not happen very often to me. The chemistry between us was simply there. That night when things were developping she told me she had a boyfriend. Because of that I thought that was it. Fortunatelly things turned out differently. Two weeks later we met at a party and ever since we have been spending time together and more. She broke up with her boyfriend over the phone about 4 weeks ago as he is living abroad for a couple of months.
There is so much chemistry between us that it almost scares me. We can do basically do everything together and have fun. We can talk and we inspire each other. And there is a lot of sexual tension as well.
I do feel bad about her splitting up - however the relationship was already at an end and she told me that she had been thinking about it long time and and they had serious problems in their longterm relationship for about a year.
I believe things are developping much better than I could have possibly asked for 6 weeks ago. So it feels king of stupid to post this message here. However she does not want to commit to anything (understandable), she doesn't want take things heavily(understandable) and doesn't want to rush things (understandable).
But it is also tricky for me as I want to see this as a start of a relationship (which it basically already is) but I can't. So I am holding back and try to push the breaks as much as I can. But that hurts.
I should also mention that she is out and about a lot these days as she tries to catch up what she missed out in her previous relationship. However she always tells me and assures me where I am for her. And that is on top of her list.
I know she is a very strong person and probably a challenge - but that's exactly what I am after.
I seriously don't want to screw this up...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

okay, sounds all good and your fears are understandable. holding back might mean a change of personality for you. you didn't mention how old she and you are? that means something because if your older than there is less time to waste but if you are young you have time to get to know each other and spread your wings. basically if you want her long term it might be good that she is getting this out of her system so she doesn't have any regrets when things do get serious.

it is great that you are writing on here instead of talking to her because this is your fears/concerns/etc. yes you can tell her about it but for the most part you should enjoy each other and leave the fears out of it.

DJ35 · Joined: 21 Apr 2010 Posts: 4

I am 35 and she is 30. But I am not sure if that matters too much. She believes that you cannot promise anything for the future and that you constantly have to make an effort to keep the relationship alive. And even then it is hard. I basically agree with that view. Only problem I have with it is that it sounds very harsh when she says it because it obviously directly affects me. But again also this is understandable as I believe she was caught in the old relationship and gave up her social life for it. And she probably will never do that again. So she dislikes the traditional idea of marriage for example. But taken all the things said above into consideration I don't have a problem with marriage at all as long as you do it for yourselves - which she accepts.
It might sound stupid but we both don't have any problems to get to know other people or people who are attracted to us. I think that is also part of the whole thing. Part of the attraction and tension between us is that we both know that. As I said before we are both strong characters...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

so what is the concern? it does sounds as if she got burned in her past relationship and needs to heal from that.

DJ35 · Joined: 21 Apr 2010 Posts: 4

the concern is that I overwhelm her and she then pushes back. I mean we are already very close after that short period of time but she is still living at the place she is having with her ex. She wants to move out - okay. But what it comes down to is that it might go too quick and then she looses interest. And for me it is hard to find the right level engagement...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

okay, what overwhelms her about you? have you tried asking her what level she is comfortable with? i don't necessarily agree with your statement that you cannot promise anything for the future. yes you always have to work at the relationship but if it is right then it just works and it doesn't sound as if you two are in the same place for this relationship and you are trying to compromise to keep her happy.

DJ35 · Joined: 21 Apr 2010 Posts: 4

well... what overwhelms her is probably exactly what you described. I'd be ready to go further. She is not. But that does not really surprise considering where she is with her previous relationship. btw I also agree with your other statement 'if it is right it just works'...
But what does that all mean? I know she really deeply likes me. I also know that she is considering more with me but just tries to take it slowly because she does not want to screw it up either. I know she fears to rush into a relationship with me and then in 2 months time wakes up realizing that she hasn't sorted everything with her ex. I mean they even haven't had the chance to see each other...
So what does that mean for me in terms of next steps? I know I want her. Yes I might be comprising here and now. But that's because i know it is not that easy for her and that there is a danger in rushing things. The other option is that I totally hold back and don't see her until everything is sorted. But I don't think this a true option either...And to be honest I hate thinking and planning strategically about this. But I feel that I kind of have to...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

it takes a heck of a lot more than just passion to make a relationship work mostly it is about timing and both parties need to be in the right time/mind set to have a relationship. if you can wait it out and see where it goes then fine but if you want more and she doesn't then you are going to have to decide on settling and hoping that she changes her mind eventually or you will have to move on and find someone who is emotionally able to be in a committed relationship with you.