need advice with my separation - husband is in therapy

[kaceywat]

My husband and I have been married for 7 years (going on 8 - including dating we've been together 12 years). We never had one fight, he always was protective of me, didn't want me to work, so I was a housewife. I was always honest with him, and thought he was with me. The whole time we were together he was always happy and loving and kind. last easter (2009 easter) we were about to go to bed and he told me that he wanted to be apart from me. That he had been unhappy for years and couldn't tell me. He told me I was to go and stay with my mom. I still, 17 months later, am in complete shock.

He had been going to a therapist for help with his problems with his mother. She preformed "muscle response therapy" on him - he thought it was a joke - he told me that she had come to the conclusions (from the muscle response therapy) that his back pain was caused from the burdens that his grandfather had from fighting in the war, and that his great great grandmother had been sexually abused as a child. - he thought all of this was ridiculous and almost stopped going to see her. I (in an act I will forever regret) encouraged him to go for a few more sessions just so he could maybe get some help because his mother is horrible to him and always has been.

I'm living at my mom's house, he's still seeing this therapist. He has made it very clear that he does not want to get divorced. He won't talk to me about it still. He won't do anything without consulting his therapist. He says that he's just not ready yet. He knows that I have been and still am suffering and hurting more than i could possibly describe sufficiently. He tells me he loves me, we see each other one day a month - dinner or a movie. After tons of pleading emails (i'm not allowed to talk to him on the phone, only in emails) and apologizing he finally has told me that he truly believes me that i had no idea he was unhappy with me in any way (because he never ever once expressed any of this, and i honestly had no idea at all - i was completely blindsided). but he's still not ready to talk about it.

I have been out of my house for 17 months now. He is my very best friend in the world, and I love him more than anything. He knows all of this. He says he misses me, says he loves me, but i can't get any more out of him. He says things about certain movies he wants to show me (once i'm home) and things like that, but won't talk about how long it's going to be before i can come back home.

i feel like i'm being punished, i've told him this, and he tells me that it kills him to hurt me in any way but that he has to finish fixing himself in therapy before he can move on to working on us. he's going out with his friends, living in our house, and all the while my life is on hold, sitting here in my mom's house, in more pain than i ever thought i could tolerate everyday.

right before this past christmas, he met with me for dinner, and told me that he was ready to do marriage councelling. i was so happy i could hardly contain myself. we emailed about it a few times, and then he stopped mentioning it. so after about a month, i asked him if he wanted me to call and make an appointment for us somewhere. he didn't answer me, he just emailed about a movie he saw that i would like. (he still and has since this all started, just ignores any questions about us, he almost only talks about movies in emails). after sending him a few more emails and finally getting the courage to ask him to please not ignore my question about the marriage councellor, he sent me an email telling me that he realized he was not yet ready for marriage councelling and that he needed me to be okay with that. so I have been (not really, but to him I have been).

I don't know what to do. I do not want to divorce him. I know there are women who would think i'm crazy for being as patient as i've been with him, but I do love him and I do believe him that he eventually wants to get back together. but the toll it's taking on me is killing me, i cry all the time, i'm homesick (which is one of the most painful difficult feelings, as most people know from being a child). he has been my best friend for 12 years and I do have friends, but he was my best friend, the only person i trusted.

I don't know what i'm asking for on here, lol, I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any ideas about this, please let me know - i will be more than happy to answer further questions about the situation, but I am not going to divorce him. if that makes me weak, then i'm fine with being weak, but that's the only thing that i'm not going to do. I came looking for a site like this because it's fall now, and the holidays are yet again approaching, and i really don't think i can handle another christmas (our most favorite holiday together) being separated from him.

I feel SO helpless - I can't get through to him, I feel like his therapist doesn't have his best interest in mind, and he has a friend (who was our mutual friend) who i know would be delighted if we didn't get back together and would do everything in her power to take advantage of his sadness and try to move into the spot of his new wife. - all of these things i can't control or protect him from, i'm lost and feel so helpless and in so much pain.

i could use some friendly advice

[Jennifer]

he cannot kick you out of your house, you are married and you have equal ownership in the house even if you don't make any money. you have chosen to take this from him and you say you don't want a divorce then you are going to have to keep on taking it until you decide that you have had an enough and move on with your life or he decides that or you both decide to try again. If you are miserable it sounds as if you need to make a change in your life.

[kaceywat]

i guess when you come to a free site for help you get what you pay for. thanks Jennifer. you really understand my situation is unique to me as an individual. you said just the thing to push me away from seeking help in the future. Thank you Jennifer, also for your angry attacking tone. I'm sorry that I haven't handled my situation the way you would like. Thank you Jennifer.

[Jennifer]

just saying what is reality, i wish you luck in your situation and hope the best for you, take care

[Jennifer]

It would be benificial if you could use all of this anger that you have with my posts and let your husband understand how angry you are at this situation and how you would like things to be different. How would you like things to be different?