how to forget to think

synfold · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 23

I've been wanting to post this for some time but i felt maybe i can get over it.but it comes back.

how do you forget a ex-friend that's been over a year since it happened and but have a lot of history including almost having a relationship. but goes to the same school as you. and has a boyfriend and such a good life.

doesn't even look at my face. like we never knew each other at all. i never had a friend like her. she showed me the true meaning of a best friend and even more. i told her i liked her a lot. and it all went downhill from there. she is always in mind. i just wanted her to be happy and she is. it kills me to know that she doesnt even know how much i really cared for her and if i told her she wouldn't even look my way.

she always said this to me." i forgive but i never forget"
i feel like im obsessive and stupid for thinking there could be a chance. but there can never be. my words dont mean anything to her.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

what happened to your relationship? why aren't you friends anymore?

synfold · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 23

i don't even know anymore. one day she was saying something about how all her friends bascially let her down. and then she loked at me and said, "i don't know why im friends with [my name] she's screwed me over so many times" i got so angry.

i knew it was true cause she stared right into my eyes and didnt even blink. i was so furious, i decieded if she didnt know why were friends then we shouldnt be. later that day she said she was joking, but i was still angry so i told her i didnt want to be friends. i wanted to make her feel what i felt. but our friendship wasnt as strong as i thought it was.

after that day. we never spoke again. i wanted to tell her i was joking but she's as stubborn as me, so i couldn't let her win over me. so i never said sorry or anything. i kept a whole image of how i hated her and didn't care i was her friend, but i never hated her and i cared about her very much. when it was past the point of no return i figured she is going to be better off in the end.

and now she is.

maybe its because i'm jealous. i have always been envious of her. but now i can't stop thinking about her or the memories we had. my friend said i should tell her. but i don't want to break. besides I'm nothing to her anymore. she's way more confident and has moved on a long time ago.

i keep replaying everything. all the "what if's" wont let me put it to rest.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

it is never too late to appologize, most people that do not talk anymore do so for something small and don't even realize why after a while. if it is important enough to you, talk to her about it and say your peace, at least you will felt as if you have done your best with the situation.

synfold · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 23

its been over a year, and she is the type of person who can drop friend and never look back. i would feel so vulnerable. that is something that i hate the most is to be vunerable. i would feel like i lost , that i gave in.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

why do you still care about it?

synfold · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 23

i dont know why i still care. maybe its because im lonely, maybe its jealousy. i dont know but i want to stop. it holds me back from enjoying life. i feel like i failure and can never good enough for anyone. i feel like my friends dont really care for me like im a last resort. its always in the back of my mind. im always wondering if my friends are hanging out with her. i have had that situation before. they would tell me that they coudnt pick me up cause i was too far. but i find them and her at a coffee shop thats just down the street. i have been abandoned and betrayed by every person i know. i dont know where to turn to. i dont trust anyone and sometimes idk if im really friends or a peron or just using them. i felt used, so the idea was to use people and pretend that i really cared for them. i know its horrible and i hated myself by cutting. i just feel so lost in all of this

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds as if this is more about you and how you feel about yourself than her. friends are there then they are not, in order to keep them, it takes hard work and committment. If you are lucky, you have one really good friend in life if you have more that is great. people that have lots of hang out friends do so because they are lonely and don't like themselves very much.

synfold · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 23

i can understand that. i don't know what is wrong with me. its like i feel like im in her shadow and i can't compare. that my friends would rather be with her than be around me. i feel like i have to compete and compare myself to her all the time.

"how can i be better than her" and i can't. its like when we were always together and i didnt have to compete cause we were on the same level, now that she's ahead i feel like i lost every piece of confidence i had back then. when i was around her i felt like i had impress her so she would see me as something but she liked me no matter what.

when i started to get in a sever state of depression i didnt want her to see it. so i distanted myself. maybe i went too far.

and now i wish it would be like the old days where i was confident and didnt care what people thought of me. as long as she was by my side i didnt have to impress anyone but her.

i dont know if this makes any sense.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

it makes sense, but what are you going to do about it, it is very insightful of you to realize that about yourself and that isthe first step, the second step is to figure out how to move forward which is what you need to do now,so what is the next step.

synfold · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 23

I'm not sure. i try to forget about her and to focus on my future, but school is a reoccurring nightmare that brings it up. i feel like i'm just so behind and stuck. that there is no way to compare or compete so i give up.

i just keep everything inside and pretend like there is nothing wrong. Every time i think I'm ohhkay i realize that I'm nothing. its like if i take one step ahead i fall 3 steps back. its really pathetic and i feel so ashamed.

So i just never try and just live without looking up.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

is it just her that you compare yourself too or is it everyone? what makes her so special that you feel inadequate within yourself when you look at her.

doesn't sound like that is a friendship issue and becoming friends with her will not solve your problem. this is an internal issue with yourself and how you feel about yourself.

whats up with feeling inadequate?

synfold · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 23

i compare myself to every girl i become friends with. i hate feel feeling vunerable and i am very inseccure so i can never be calm. i used to have really bad anxiety amd get overwhelmed by thinking how i'm not good enough and i needed to know what level of friendship i had with people.

as a kid growing up i was a typical loner andgot made fun of alot. in high school i changed so much. i wanted the attention and i got it. guys started to notice me. i loved the attention. but i never had a relationship with anyone. then i met her and i felt like i could be impressive.

but then she got ahead and i was no longer needed. i felt inferior and envious.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

okay, makes sense you need to realize that this is a pattern that you need to break withing yourself, not that this is about your one ex friend that you had.

synfold · Joined: 28 Oct 2008 Posts: 23

how do i break a pattern that i know all my life. i get so insecure everytime i try to put myself out there. everytime i did take a chance it shot me down. i learned then to not open up, never take a chance and always keep to yourself.

i'm just one of those people who have no luck in life or in love.