how do i move on?

Jessi · Joined: 09 Jan 2009 Posts: 6

Hi,
I really need to talk to someone. I have been in "limbo" for so long now that i just feel like i am wasting my life away and really need to wake up and live.
I broke up last year with my boyfriend of 9 years because he was a compulsive gambler. I live in hell for years with him and when he had finally reached his "rock bottom" i had been there for a while. I was wasting away to nothing, had no confidence and was nearly an empty shell.
My ex is french and i moved out here 8 years ago with him, when in febuary after yet another bad gambling binge, he moved back to my home country to work and to prove to me that he would and could stop. But he did'nt and things just got worse and worse.
While he was away i met someone who picked me up from a very bad place, i had been dragged so low i could nt get back up again. We started seeing each other. A few months later is when my now ex stopped gambling, but to much water under the bridge and i could nt gave him yet another last chance. I was so afraid so i finished it. It was so draining, he sobbed, begged and threatened to hurt himself but i just coul'nt let him back.
So, this is my problem today. I carried on seeing the other guy, who adores me, does everything in his power to make me happy, wants a future together, ect ect.
Problem is, i cannot seem to move on. I cannot plan, i cannot show him the love he shows me. I find faults in him, i called him an alcoholic!!!! he dosent even drink that often but i seem to be afraid of everything and i began to think i was one of these women who attracts addicition !!
I went home to my family for 2 weeks over xmas and just got back yesterday. He started talking to me about moving in together soon and i ended up telling him that i did not know if i really loved him enough to stay here with him. I have been hesitating about moving hom for as long as i remember and i just cant seem to make up my mind as to what to do!!
Its getting me really down now, i am just so fed up saying "i dont know"
And i know that he is too. He left this morning and told me to take a few days to think about it, what i really want, but i have been thinking for so long now, i feel like i am going to carry on forever, never really knowing what i want, where i belong, never settling down .... never being happy and content.
How do i make the decision ... stay here and make a go of it !!! or move home. Here i am alone and without him i am very lonely. At home i have a large family, and still have friends even after 8 years away.
I just need to make this decision and stick to it. But i am so afraid to regret either way.
Maybe i dont love him ... i never tell him even though e tells me all the time !! or maybe im making him pay for my exs mistakes.
Please help if you can.
Jessi

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

hey
not sure where you are from, you said a couple of different places but did not say where you are from.

bottom line is that we cannot help who we love, it would be great if we could just turn on and turn off that emotion and decide what is best for us in that regards. seems like you are trying to convince yourself that you love your current boyfriend and maybe you do and maybe you don't but when its right it is right and right in all the ways it should be. people stay together and get together for various reasons and hardly anybody is with the one because they are too busy settling for okay.

are you okay with being single? what was it like to be single for you? even if you are in a relationship, you need to be okay as an individual first before you can give yourself to a relationship and it sounds like you still have some healing to do.

please do not take this as i am telling you what to do, i am opening up your thoughts so you can make an informed decision. this is up to you as it is your life.

Jessi · Joined: 09 Jan 2009 Posts: 6

Hi Jennifer
thank you for answering back so quickly.
I ma irish and my ex is french and so we moved to france 8 years ago. I ma still here and he is now in Denmark as when i said i could nt go on with him he left ireland again.
I just turned 30 and so was very down and teary. I spent 9 years of my life with someone who i thought i would have my children with and spend my life with. And so it was very hard for me to realise that we had failed and i am still nearly in the same place in my life that i was 10 years ago. I have no kids, no house, no savings (because of the gambling) i have 2 men telling me that they love me and want to do everything possible to make me happy and yet here i am ........... not being able to do anything. stuck in some horrible place in my mind. I still have to have contact with my ex for financial reasons and it always messes me up a bit when we talk.
You see the thing is, i never really was single !!! i went from one relationship to another, the new guy picked me up when i was very low !!!
When i am on my own, i feel lonely and feel like calling him, but i fear this is only becaise i am lonely. When i was home with my family i barely missed him.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

i could have told you that you have never been single. you need to like yourself before you can like someone else. you need to be comfortable with who you are so you know what you want from life/relationships. granted most people do what you do, but they go from one relationship to another never completely satisfied in all the ways they should be.

Jessi · Joined: 09 Jan 2009 Posts: 6

I feel that i will never know because i feel lonely here on my own. I am in another country and have no family here. At my age, all of my friend here are either in a relationship or are married with kids and so when i feel alone and i know he is just waiting for my call, its hard not to.
But then if he is here every night i feel like being alone... sounds silly i know.
But its sad too to here that a lot of people just make do!! i dont want to be like that, but i dont know if its the after effectes of the addition my ex had, or just because i dont really love him. I am afraid to let him go because he give so much and loves me so much and at 30, im sure it'll not be easy to find someone like him, no baggage with so much to offer.
Im sorry if im going over the same thing. I just cant seem to clear my head.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds like you need to make this about you and not about them. no matter who you are with, you need to be okay with who you are. if you need someone else to be okay with who you are then you are not okay. being lonely is one thing but being alone is something that makes you stronger and makes you feel like you are okay with yourself and who you want to be.

who do you want to be?

Jessi · Joined: 09 Jan 2009 Posts: 6

i just want to be happy ...... and content .... its been so long

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

that has nothing to do with who or if you are in a relationship. what does happiness and contentness mean to you?

Jessi · Joined: 09 Jan 2009 Posts: 6

To me it means not waking up in the morning and asking myself where do i belong ... i dont know where i belong, here ?? in ireland?? Content to me means settled, not wondering what i should do with my life. Just being. Happiness means being happy to wake up in the morning and see what the day has instal for me, living a full life. not wondering again and again what i should do, and not making any decisions, just like drifting and not making any impact on anything or anyone.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

happiness has to come from fulliment. what makes you content? you did not explain any other part of your life besides your relationships. do you work, have family, have friends, pets, what do you enjoy doing.

Jessi · Joined: 09 Jan 2009 Posts: 6

Hi Jennifer
Well i have always worked a lot sometimes two jobs because i was saving for the day i would be settled and be able to have children without worrying about money. Unfortunately all i had saved was lost to my exs addiction, however i have never really felt anger towards him even after all the lies and manipulation. Ihave just started to save again and tried to turn the page. And so at the moment the hotel where i work is closed for the winter, and i normally waitress but this year i have barely any work and so times are difficult financially.
I am a receptionist in a hotel and love my work.
I have a dog whom i love with all my heart as she is the only steady and sure thing in my life and i enjoy taking her for walks. i have had her ssince i moved here to france.
As for friends, i have a few here but as they all have families and partners i dont see them a lot.
At home in ireland i am very close to my family. Especially my mum and my sister is now 22 so not the teenager i left 8 years ago when i moved here.
What makes me happy??? I was happy when i went home on holidays... why ?? maybe because i did nt feel lonely, i felt part of something. what do i like to do that makes me happy?? simple things... walking, shopping, reading, watching films with my family.
I like being active but dont feel any energy any more.
Thank you Jennifer for listeniing
Jessi

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Your welcome, i hope that you are listening to yourself as well. The only part of your life that is negative is your relationship. You love your job, family, dog and life. Maybe you do need to be upset with him because you seem to be upset with yourself for making poor choices and they are not your fault.

I was reading something last night that got my attention. It was about fear and it was talking about how we are taught to run away from fear instead of staying and facing it. Fear is something we are afraid of and it should be something that we embrace to learn from.