honesty

[radsoc]

I have a recurring issue with honesty. I seem to always find myself caught in a lie that revolves around how people perceive me. I do not know why I feel the need to have people think that I am more than who I am. I end up hurting the people that I care about the most and push them away because they have lost trust in me. I am not a bad person and my intentions are always so people won't be disappointed. This always occurs when I have something embarrassing happening in my life (i.e. financial difficulty) and I don't want people to find out and ruin the impression they have of me. As the saying goes, everything comes out in the wash and I end up looking like a person who is a malicious liar. Sometimes I feel as though I am protecting people from finding out something in the hopes that I can correct it or it will go away and it will not be an issue. I'm not sure how to handle this or why I feel the need to hide from everything, but I need to fix this and stop pushing everyone that I care about away from me and out of my life. Any suggestions?

Thanks.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
You are not alone in your reasons to lie and it is the main reason people lie. They do not want to hurt someone or hurt themselves. Basically for you it boils down to a self-esteem issue and how people perceive you. What do you care more about? How people perceive you or telling the truth? We all tell white lies because we are embarrased about who we are and what we have done.

To be completely truthful to everyone is impossible. You need to start with being truthful to yourself and then you can work on being truthful to others.

[radsoc]

Thank you for the reply and insight. I was in a recent situation with my girlfriend where she was questioning my financial situation due to a series of events. I was having issues and I did not want to her to know that. I kept reassuring her that everything was fine and that her past relationships were causing her to question me. I didn't want her to lose that feeling she had about me. I loved the way that she looked at me and I didn't want her to be disappointed with my situation. I thought I was protecting her until I could figure things out and correct the situation, on my own. I didn't want her to see me when I was down, not yet at least. Everything else was great and we love each other very much, but at this point she won't speak to me and thinks that I am a liar. I was keeping things from her, but not for malicious reasons. I love this girl, and I know that she loves me. I need to know what I can do to mend the bond that I tore.

[Jennifer]

In every relationship there comes a time when you need to break down the barriers and stand to get hurt. Seems like she was ready to do that before you were. Have you been honesty with her since? When you withhold information, no matter what the reason is, it is considered dishonest which means that you could be lying about other things.

I believe that it is time to be honest with yourself. You were not comfortable enough with her to let her in, so either that is your issue or you do not like her as much as you say you do, which one is it?

[radsoc]

I understand where you are coming from, but I know how much I cared for her and how much I loved her. I was scared of disappointing her and it may have had something to do with my comfort, but it was more my discomfort with me and my situation rather than my comfort with her. I was honest with myself in this situation as I knew what my finances were. I could not bring myself to tell her that I didn't have enough money, instead I would tell her that I had a headache or I would forget my wallet at home. I wanted to give her everything and I didn't want her to be scared. That's why I kept these things from her. No other reason at all. I didn't want her money and I didn't want to use her for any reason. I am stuck right now between hurt and confusion. I am hurt because I was dishonest with her and she is hurt because of that, but am I wrong to think that information like that is difficult at best to disclose? It's embarrassing and I was simply afraid of hurting and disappointing her. I know that the dishonesty did the same, but in this situation should I not get the opportunity to prove myself to her? I don't expect anything, but I just wonder...

[Jennifer]

Did you finally tell her the truth? And if so, how did she deal with it.

[radsoc]

As difficult as it was to tell her that my finances were not as I made them out to seem...I told her everything was ok when she asked if there was anything she needed to know...I did tell her everything. I explained everything to her from beginning to end. She is still very resentful, hurt, and angry with me. She says that she cannot trust a word that I have ever said and that she is having trouble differentiating truth from fabrication. I understand her pain and I understand how important it is to be honest with someone no matter how difficult and embarrassing the information is to share. I have learned from this, but I am afraid she won't let me prove it to her. It has only been two days, but I want to start showing her that I am the man that she fell in love with. I don't want to wait for her to tell me she is ready...I think it's up to me and I have to start right away to help this situation heal and hopefully grow even stronger than before. I don't want things to linger with no contact and no addressing of the situation. How can I make her understand that I didn't want to hurt her and I let my fears of disappointing me get the best of me. That I wasn't strong enough to tell her my problems and that I only wanted to fix it all on my own, by myself. I am starting a new job on Monday that I worked very hard to get so that I could be in a more stable proffesional and economic situation...for her just as much as for myself. I'm not sure what to do, but do you have any suggestions on what I might be able to try to get her to understand that this wasn't a malicious lie?

[Jennifer]

You are talking about trust more than lying now and the only way that you can get that back is by time. I do not know her but 2 days is not enough time to heal. She needs to have faith in you again and that will take time.

Is there anything else that she needs to know?

[radsoc]

I explained everything regarding my financial situation from how it all started and how I got the point that I am in. When I received my offer letter, I emailed it to her so that she could print it out for me...so she saw how much I would be making in the future. She didn't ask me for that...I let her see that. Outside of my financial situation, I have nothing else that I am hiding from her. I understand that it takes time to rebuild trust, but I don't want to wait till she's ready...It's my place to rebuild that trust and I have to start showing her immediately, don't you think? I know her reaction will not be good at first, but at least she will see that I am sorry for my mistake, and that I am taking accountability for it. How should I approach these things with her? I know you don't know her, but in general, what would you suggest?

[Jennifer]

You can show her all you want, but it is going to be up to her to forgive and to rebuild the trust. Just talk to her and find out what she needs and follow her lead. It will work out