first time and in need of help

[Maya]

Hi Jen...Can I call u Jen? This is my first time having counseling and I think maybe its time I did. I will be frank- I always thought going for counseling was a sign of weakness- meaninging I couldn't deal with matters on my own and always required to turn to others (which I did with friends but it always got complicated and I have been stabbed in the back with private info I didn't want leaked).
So I decided especially after my last incident that its time I had counceling. If things seem a bit jumbled I am sorry I don't know where to start.

Ok so here goes:
I am a 27 yr old female and have been in a serious relationship for about 5 yrs now. I love him very much- we shall call him ADAM.
Adam is really good to me and he does go out of his way to make me happy- he has changed his player ways to be with me and has been loyal ever since. He has not lied to me or cheated. Yet I feel like I am destroying the relationship. I am controling. I am pushy and well don't feel good enough for him.
Plus I have made a muck of things a number of times and yet he has stayed with me despite my actions.
He tells me that from my actions it doesn't seem like I love him but I do and have been trying to make up for everything that I had done. Now I don't want to go into what I had done but take my word for it- it wasn't good and I regret it.
The issue is we fight- quite a bit- and its usually a pattern of every three weeks where we have one big blow out fight which almost ends our relationship. I threaten to leave in tears and then I beg him to take me back when he actually says good bye.
In the last fight it got pretty ugly- which is why the next morning I decided I need help!
On Tuesday I was feeling a bit off and I think its because the previous night I felt I upset Adam. So I thought he was mad at me. That morning I called because I needed a phone number from him and his tone just sounded mean. He was extremly formal and sounded as if he didn't even want to talk to me. This sent me into one of my anger spells (which I have been getting a lot of) and started asking him what the Beep was his problem? He said nothing. I asked if he was mad at me and he said nothing. I then said I had to finish my work and he hung up.
I coulnd't work so I decided to calm myself and get some icecream. I then thought I will swing by his place with a milkshake for him as well.
Before I got there I called and decided be straight with him and ask him whats up- so I called and with a tone asked what was his flippin problem and that I am not a mind reader! If he is mad at me just tell me so I can fix it.
He continued to say he wasn't mad and asked why I thought he was. When I told him he sounded angry on the phone he said fine he will work on that and always sound happy. He then asked if there was anything else I wanted him to do since his way wasn't good enough for me.
I hate when he talks to me like that- as if I am telling him what to do constantly.
Anyway I got to his place and he greeted me so lovingly but I just kept thinking the only reason he is being nice is because I had to tell him so I told him I am sick of telling him what bothers me because he never tells me so from now on he can figure it out on his own.
I told him to leave me alone to calm down. He went with me for a work thing insisting that I asked him to come. I asked him if he'd like to join me- he said yes and then said I will do whatever u want (turning it around like I am making him do what I want again) So I told him plz don't throw this in my face later stating that u did something for me when I didn't tell u to come.

Ok do u kind of get whats going on so far- sorry once again if its a bit jumbled.

I just wanted to spend the day with him- but we had a massive fight instead!!! It started when I asked him what he wants to do and he said nothing and he wanted to stay online and do his own thing.
I said I came to spend the day with u so why don't we do something togther and he said: "I have been telling u all day we will do what u want and now that I want to do what I want its not good enough for u?" So after exchanging some harsh words he needed to leave the room. This is where my controlling nature came in: I got in his way and demanded he spend time with me. He told me to stop acting like a child and my response is- u do too from time to time so why can't I? He then said plz calmly and after a few attempts I finally moved. After 10 minutes I went outside where he was back on the pc online. I asked him to come back to the room to watch a movie with me and he called me needy and annoying and threatened to kick me out if I didn't leave him alone. He said the only reason I am acting this way is because I am not getting what I want. When we got to the room he said as long as I don't talk he will stay- that angered me even more and I started yelling at him. At that point he got angry and broke the lamp- so I cleaned it up adn asked him why he would do that.
He then went on ignoring me and got on his phone to call a friend. I reached for his phone (which I have done in the past) He grabbed my hand, took off the promise ring he had given me last new years and broke it in three piece.
I was mortified and I swore I would leave and never come back. I was crying and simply heart broken. When I told him that he gave me that ring and I deserved an explanation (after hitting him on the arm a few times- he's a large guy so I have no impact as I am tiny) he said he loaned me the ring and it wasn't mine. WhenI said I was leaving he said ok good luck to u. After a few minutes of trying to get him to talk to me I told him I wasn't leaving and that he was stuck with me (thinking I am showing him).
Long story short- we settled things after a day which is the norm- But later that night after asking him if he still wanted to be with me he said he didn't know and that I would drive any man insane and good luck finding someone like him when a girl like me is a dime a dozen and he isn't easy to find.
I went home with him that night and now things have fallen back to normal where we cuddle and are good again.
But I do not want to fight anymore and now everytime I look down at my finger I remember.
He says I am controlling, ungrateful, inconsiderate and selfish. I am not ok with him hanging out with other girls without me (especially ones I had never met) but he is ok with me being around other men. Let's put it this way- he is fine with everything and I am not.
I feel he prefers being with other people and chatting with other people. I would not be ok if we had seperate friends because the guys he wants to hang with spend time with air hostesses and well they r super hot (I have trust issues).
I am not ok with him spending more time with another girl than me (he does spend a lot of time with me but like I said I feel he prefers the company of others cause we do fight often. He has told me thu he prefers me over anyone else but I don't buy it).

Anyway- I don't want to fight anymore, seriously I want to change! I don't want this pattern to continue of our big blow out fights which I believe I start due to anger issues, trust and self esteem issues.

I have been hurt in my one serious relationship in the past and Adam was the man i dated right after. I know in my heart Adam is the one and we r getting close to getting hitched.
But I know my attitude has to change. He bends over backwards and all he wants is some time for himself when he asks for it and honesty. I need to stop being so controlling and pushy.
I was reading some of your articles and I believe I fit the profile of being codependent. I red some more articles online and saw that I have the symptoms of most of it.
The first step is I want to change. I have said many times to him that I want to change but it lasts a week and then I am back to my old ways of always asking him what he is doing and who he is talking to. I am scared he will leave me and don't want to lose him yet when i say I will walk he simply says ok and that its fine by him.

Anyway the change is more for me cause I do not like this childish behaviour. I believe it stems from my mom- I have seen my mom constantly tending to my dads every whim and then blowing up from time to time and I think I am the same way. I am loving until crossed and then I turn insane.

I hope I am not putting too much in at one go. I just wanted to better explain my stituation.

What do u think? Can u help me?

[Jennifer]

Just to make this forum clear to you, this is not actual therapy, it is more of a support system to help you through your troubles. If you want therapy, which it seems would be helpful to you, then you can check out our sessions/fee page and let us know if any of those sessions fit your needs.

Okay, why do you think you are controlling? And why do you believe that this is all your fault? It takes two people to make a relationship work and it sounds as if you two are not doing that too well. He pushes your buttons and you push his. Good relationships, the one that you are supposed to end up with, it should not be this difficult for you to get along.

Yes, he needs his alone time, but he does not need to push you away when it happens. And you need to learn when to speak up and when to be silent.

I'll give you a personal example. My husband went away on a business trip and I had all these things I needed to talk to him about, but he was extremely tired and he said "I just need to be brainless tonight" So, I backed off. If I didn't and didn't listen to him and kept going with my own agenda, it would have let to a fight because he told me how he felt and I didn't listen.

Guys do tell you how they feel, but it is more suttle and sometimes harder to see. How do you know that this is the one? And are you concerned about moving forward with all the fighting that you are doing.

How was your other relationship, did you fight in that as much as this one. It might be that you feel insecure to his securiness and it is not a good fit untill you can feel more secure about yourself. Doesn't sound as if this is a relationship problem but more of a self aware problem.

[Maya]

Thank you for your help. I would like to still chat with u if that is ok as I do feel ur words are sinking in and that is what I need. I will look into the other sessions as well.

I hear you. I do need to pay attention to what he is saying especially since he doesn't usually say much. He does let me in on what matters to him thu which I am really pleased about but he isn't much on the lets talk feelings side.
The example with your husband really helped. Since our fight I have noticed that he has wanted to do some things with his guy friends and well seperatly and instead of moping about and being on my own I would keep myself busy and its been good for me.
Once Adam is done with his friends and I am with my agenda we do meet up and have a nice time together. Its only been three days since our fight and I hope it stays good as it has been.


My past relationship was different. I let my ex get away with murder as all my girlfriends pointed out and my current bf.
I was at uni and worked part time and he worked a full time job. We basically lived together but I felt I handled everything. I didn't bother him with calls thu or hassle him about going out as much as I do with my current bf.
In the past I would finish work or uni, go home, start cleaning and cook a meal and wait for my ex to come home. Sometimes he would come home and stay the night and other times he would come, get changed and go out to who knows where and with who knows who. When he would go out I would heat up the food and leave it for him and then pray he will tell me the next day what he did- it would end up me asking a few hours later in the day and then we fight because I asked him what he did and with who.
I also was the main bred winner and although I didn't care about money, it just bugged me that whenever I would ask him for money he would be all like why do u need it when I just would give it to him.
Yes My past relationship was me giving and him taking and I stayed. My ex apologised after I left the country to go back to the ME. But when I left I said I would never end up like that again- bending over backwards for a guy and not feeling loved. It sux being in the same room with someone and still feeling alone.

These r the feelings that I have expressed to Adam. I have explained that I have issues from my past relationship and that my ex did cheat althu he denies it and will to his grave. I have heard him tell a girl he loved her and we.. anyway that is the past.

What I want to work on is my current relationship. Yes I am insecure. Its stupid thu that I am because Adam tells me I am beautiful and that he does care. But when we have the blow out fights it just brings me back to the what am I doing stage?

The other day Adam and I were watching a movie and he said I wish we had more light in the room and I said well perhaps u should have thought of that before breaking the lamp. He then said Yeah, now everytime I see the lamp isn't there I remember the fight and I hate u. I know I shouldn't have said this but I told him well everytime I see my bare finger I remember and hate u so I guess we r even.

I feel we act very childish around each other and can't help but feel as if I instigate it.

We do push each others buttons and thats why he thinks we need some space. He tells me he loves spending time with me but perhaps his friends were right and that we can't be best friends and in a relationship.

Honestly, I am concerned about moving forward. i do want to be with him thu but I can't fight like this anymore. It puts a strain on my health and mental well being.
But we don't fight all the time, we do have many good days and great times together. I just wish we could stop the big fights from happening. He says the reason we have those fights is because I forget the past situations we had and expect him to forget all the bad stuff I had done but he can't forget. But at least he is still with me and he stays because he cares. Am I making sense?


He believes that if things would just go my way then our relationship would be better. I disagree as I want it to be a joint thing.
I am concerned because I care deeply about him and don't want to push him away. He takes care of, makes me smile and lets me be me. But he tells me the problem is I don't let him be him.

So far thu its been smooth sailing between us and I hope it continues. I would like to work out why we act the way we do when we fight and have told him many times why don't we just try to talk things calmly. But he says he can't talk to me because I am forgetful and will just end up doing the same thing again. He basically lets me fight with myself because we will have the same fight three weeks later. The reason I get mad is when I feel he has done something that is wrong I tell him and he just doesn't care because he usually finds it stupid. I just want him to care when I am upset with him. Like the last fight- I got upset about the ring and till today he doesn't see why that is a big deal. When I tell him why is it ok for him to get mad at me but not the other way around, he reminds me of the stuff I had done and how its 10 times worse than what he has done so technically I have no reason to be mad because it is less in comparison. I then remind him that we r talking about what he did now and not to bring up the past or turn it around so that it is my fault again.

If I am mad I should be allowed to vent and express it but according to him I am always upset so nothing is new.

Ok I am doing it again- blabbering on. Long story short- thank u and I will take your words into consideration. If u have any opinions about the other things I have mentioned plz feel free to comment. It helps to chat with someone and bounce ideas off of them.

Plz don't get the wrong idea thu. Adam is amazing and I have made things difficult for him in the past. I liked someone else and was willing to leave him (I had only known the guy for a few short minutes but when Adam asked me if I wanted to go and see the guy on a date I said yes) I didn't leave Adam thu. I apologised for wanting to leave and stayed because that guy was just a silly crush but its Adam that I want to spend my time with. U know the 80- 20 rule. Adam is my 80 and my all.


So I have made him feel insecure as well. I am not a peach.

[Jennifer]

Once again, I believe that him and you both are blaming yourself for all the problems in the relationship and it doesn't work that way. The comment he made about the lamp was cruel and you responded in a defensive way. The correct response would have been. "That really hurt my feelings when you say you hate me." or something along those lines.

Are you working as much? Do you do things with your girlfriends? Just because you are in a relationship that does not mean that you stop being you and working on yourself by pouring everything into this.

As far as moving forward, that will either happen or not and that is not the issue right now. He needs to be willing to work with you to learn how to fight fair and to be honest, I do fight with my husband and we do get into arguments because of who we are. A little fighting is healthy in a relationship and it is normal to do. Helps you remember the good times and how much you love the other person

[Maya]

Hi again.

I do still work a lot but I recently went on vacation with Adam which I so needed and it relaxed me to the point that my work has become more productive now that I am back.
I am resting and unlike my last relationship Adam is also working to build for our future- he talks about the house we will have and how we will travel and have so much fun together.

U r right, fights r healthy I don't disagree. My aunt used to say they also add some spark at times and who wants to be in a perfect relationship its just dull. But I also would like us to fight fair. I have watched Dr. Phil, read articles and have talked to him about fair fights but its like u said earlier- it takes 2 to tango and although I talk a good talk I have not fought fair either.

But we do need to stop blaming ourselves and I am thinking maybe if I stop he will follow. I do hope it does work out thu between us because I care about him deeply and I know he feels the same. Just had it with the big fights and wish we could get past the past if u get my drift.

I do spend time out with friends but my girlfriends that I really feel close to live abroad. I have a handful of girls that I chat with here but I can't trust them so I choose to keep my issues n stuff to msyelf. I
tried talking to a couple before and they blabbed everything and I heard about it later on when my bf found out and got mad I was spreading our dirty laundry. I had just needed someone to talk to I meant no harm. So I trust no one now- There are two new friends that I adore. One I talk to sometimes but feel silly to dish about problems cause she is younger and the other I am still cautious cause she is a work friend but a doll.

I learned my lesson thu and decided if I can't chat with girlfriends then I would vent to Adam since he is my bestfriend. That didn't work because after awhile he got fed up of my repetitiveness.
So I tried to bottle things up and that doesn't always work so this has been really good. chatting with u is helping.
I told Adam I have been contacting this forum and he says whatever works and that I really don't need therapy because the whole reason the fight escalated was I didn't give him space when he asked and simply pushed him to the edge.
He basically said what u said- I just needed to hear him out.

But although perhaps I am not going mad or need therapy- its still good to speak to someone that will listen and actually respond to my questions and not ignore me.

Thank you- I am going to be explor new hobbies, maybe get back to the gym and just be me. I am not going to worry so much about what will come and let go. Its time to down size the dramatics. Thanks.

[Jennifer]

your welcome, sounds like you are on the right track and going forward in a healthy direction. Please don't take advice from dr. phill though, that might throw you back a bit

[Maya]

LOL thanks I will keep that in mind.

[Maya]

Its been a week since our last major fight and thankfully we haven't had any major fights since but today was a little tense and I just needed to chat. I'd like to know if I am starting to fight fair- instead of being cruel I am staying calm and expressing myself. Am I on the right path?

Today started off well. Normally I call Adam in the morning when I get to work but today I didn't. I was chatting with a colleague and thought maybe Adam can do with some rest instead of me calling and pestering him so early. Well at 10:30am he calls and he sounds in a mood- not a good one. He asks why I didn't call and I say well thought u needed some rest and he says to me: thats not like u. He then deduces that the only reason I didn't call was because I was preoccupied with someone else and not because I actually wanted him to rest. Basically- I am capable of not calling I just have to be doing something.

I tell him hun thats not true I had given u plenty of space on friday and rarely called- he argued that I called four times and text him three times in the span of 6 hours but then decided that it is less than usual and let it be. I asked him if he was ok as he sounded a bit annoyed and whether I had done something and he said no that he just finds it bizzare that I didn't call so early. I tellhim I would be seeing him soon as I am leaving the office at 11 to run errands we had planned. He says take ur time and hangs up.

I leave at 11 as planned all cheery and get there in 20 min. I walk into the home and he is like oh u actually made it I was going to leave without u- first I ask why I had said I was coming but when he didn't respond I figured no matter I am here now lets just go. I stayed cheery althu he was tense looking and annoyed. I joked with him and tried to make conversation but he continued to complain of something or the other so I simply listened and put in my two cents from time to time.

After picking up his friend and arriving home he is still tense. We were meant to have lunch together but he says he is no longer hungry. I see the rose our friend gave us the night before and it looks as thu it is dead but I thought maybe some water will help- he snaps its dead leave it be. I tellhim plz let me just try and he takes it from my hand tosses it on the floor and kicks it as he walks by. I pick up the petals and I approach him calmly and say It hurts my feelings when you act like this. U r frustrated and annoyed at something but u won't tell me what. Perhaps I can help I ask and plea for him to talk to me. He tells me to go eat and leave him be. SoI go and eat in the dining room alone. I felt so sad but I didn't get in his face as I would normally do.

Afterwards I ask if he wanted to watch a movie- he says anything u want. We put in a movie- I try to cuddle he is distant, I kiss him and he doesn't kiss me back. I ask him again if he is ok and he says he is fine. He then tells me not to come with him for his practice in the evening which I usually attend with him. I ask him why and if he has a reason why he doesn't want me there? He then decides to take back what he says and tells me to come he was joking. So I ask him- does it bother u when I ask u questions or talkto u because the second I asked why u whimpered u were joking and asked me to come when u originally didn't want me to.I then asked him if he liked spending timewith me because it feels like he gets annoyed when I am around- he then said no and why do u ask me these questions again wasn't last weeks fight enough. He also remarked that how can I expect him to get over allthe things I had said last week and I said well u said many things to but we r past that and I just want to move forward.
I told him I just wanted to not bother him and he says if u don't want to bother me then lets just watch the movie.
I tried to seduce him after the movie was done- he was just like yeah ok do what u want but I could tell he wasn't interested by his edgy behaviour and fidgeting.

We napped and when I woke I found pillows dividng us so I made a remark and he said u know they can move (usually he places them between us when he is mad at me or we fight- he thinks I haven;t figured it out but I see patterns too). He got annoyed and decided to stepout for air-I asked him where he was going and he said out- instead of getting needy and standing infront of him I went back to sleep and let him be.

Anyway- I decided to respect his wishes and not go with him to his practice. I thought instead I will clean up the house, make some dinner and when he gets home we will have a good evening. So I told him I wasn'tcoming but am making dinner. He says he might eat out with the group (which he never does). So I said but I am making dinner- he goes fine I will come home. I then remembered to not push so I said if u really want to go to subway then go ahead and I asked if he was going with the group. He says he doesn't know depending on his mood. I explained that last week they invited us out but he didn't want to gois it because I am with him and he answered he doesn't know he might go today depending on his mood.

I tell him I would love to come with him but he has already toldme he didn't want me to come so I am respecting his wishes.

He says I do the opposite- that after he told me to come I said no and after he said he would have dinner I told himto go. I said yes I changed my response but I will not make u do something u do not want to do and I will respect ur first decision because thats what u really wanted and that he only chnaged his mind when I spoke up.

I then tell him to at least call me when he is done and let me know if he is going out for dinner. He asks how many times will be sufficient and I wouldn't have a fight with him over the next few days.I told him I will not answer that because thats silly I simply said callme plz how many times is ur decision. Before he leaves I ask for a kiss good bye and he blows me one and starts walkign out- I follow him and ask for a real kiss and that he is leaving so abruptly- he kisses me tells me to behave or not and slams the door while I am still there.

I feel alone once again and I don't understand where I went wrong-maybe I asked him tomany times what is wrong (I tend to do that) I told him how I felt and then later he made fun of me- he'd ask me oh how r u feeling now-r u sad now or r u depressed what is it now.

I don't appreciate that at all but he doesn't seem to get it. I told him I feel like he doesn't care about my feelings or takesme seriously. I actually told him today maybe the problem isn't me maybe its u and I left him alone.

And once again here I am wondering if what I did was wrong and whether he will come home in time to spend some time with me before I have to leave to my house(wedon't live together and I have early work tomorrow).

Told him to callme if he is coming home so I can get dinner started and he says why can't just heat it up and have it tomorrow if I don'tcome?

I know what that means then- will probably be eating alone.

Your opinion would be of help. Thanks.

[Jennifer]

this was mostly him and his inablilty to get over your change of behavior. You assumed for him and that is the kiss of death in a relationship. You assumed he wanted to sleep and he was expecting you to do what you always do. He didn't get over that throughout the day and was unable to express that to you.

Sounds as if he has a lot of insecurity in him from what you just explained.

[Maya]

Hi,

I felt as well that my change of behvaiour surprised him too which is why I didn't expect him home anytime soon. I had called mid dinner making and asked if he was done and he said he was. I asked if he was coming home and he said he didn't know might spend time with his friends or go for a drive. I told him thats fine but I was hoping he would not be too late so that we could spend some time togther. Perhaps I forgot to mention that we normally spend a lot of time together its just lately it feels like he wants to spend more time away from me. So When he told me he wasn't going to spend time with his friends and just felt like driving around I asked him if he was ok and needed to talk. I also told him that I felt like he doesn't want to spend time with my anymore and he denied it and said off course he did. I said well if u do then why r u trying to find other stuff to do than come home? He continued to say he did so I said ok well have fun I will be here waiting no worries.

He actually came home 20 minutes after the call and we spent a nice dinner togther. I thanked him afterwards and told him I appreciated him spending time with me. I also mentioned that I noticed he has been really down and I was wondering if there was anything I can do to help. Last night I calmly and openly expressed my feelings to him and my concerns of how lately he seems to be unhappy and that if he ever needed to talk I will be there for him as he always is for me.

He said thanks and walked me to my car. The evening ended well but I can't help having this nagging feeling that he is bothered by something. He has been going thru a rut lately in work, family and finance and I feel like he is not happy so I don't want to add more stress to him. I should be a pillar of strength not add to it. Wish he would talk to me but I guess there is nothing I can do but be cheery and wait.

Anyway just thought I would update.

Thanks again

[Jennifer]

you did great, good recovery for the evening and when he is ready he will talk to you, i'm sure just with the pressure of you two fighting and such will be a relief for him and for you

[Maya]

I have told him everything- I explained how I have been feeling lately and awaited a response. He didn't say much and when I asked him why he told me that usually whatever he says either upsets me or is wrong so it is just easier if I tell him what to do and say. I explained that he has a choice and can think for himself- I do not dictate his life- but he explained that I am the person in the relationship that gets upset a lot and that is why he must be careful and limits what he says or does as to not upset me.

This in itself upsets me. I have turned my boyfriend into a fearing man- he fears me and my emotions. I honestly do not get upset over everything and if I did I have a valid reason for it- he then mocks me that I have a reason for everything and that makes me feel bad.
I explained that I have noticed that we do not talk anymore, spend less time together and seem to have a good time when others are around. I told him I am afraid that he has lost interest in me and he looked at me baffled as to say r u nuts how can I? I am not nuts- I asked him if he remembered what my fear was and what I told him when we first started dating- his response: Oh u mean when I liked u when u misrepresented urself at the beginning of our relationship and how u said u change later on?

I did not misrepresent myself- I have always been myself. I did warn him that I have been told from my ex that once things had gotten serious in the relationship I am different but I have never misrepresented myself. He is referring to when we used to check out women together and then when things got serious I would get annoyed when he would compliment other women or check them out and forget I even existed. He doesn't understand that I don't mind if he notices beautiful women but it would be nice to be noticed as well. When I confronted him in the past about why he doesn't notice me or compliment me he said: U already know ur beautiful and everyone else pays attention to u so that means I have to constantly remind u that u r pretty as well?

Who says that????

Right now I am feeling a lot of anger and everytime I think of something he has said or done I feel even more angry! Yesterday the talk was good as he actually sat there, lisetned to my feelings (be it he might have thought some were silly and he was a bit disengaged) he genuinly wanted to make me happy.

I told him I am tired of him blaming me for losing his friends that r girls. I did not scare them away in fact was friendly and would invite them out but they chose to stop calling and he thinks I had something to do with it!

He apologised and said fine he won't bring that up again - althu he did before he agreeed with me and I feel it was simply to quiet me down.

I honestly don't know what to believe anymore and I think that is also the problem. I don't like the way he views me- constantly upset, insecure and don't like it when he has fun without me. Yesterday he said something shocking- he was like u get mad when I go online, chat with friends or on the phone and u ask why I can't talk that way with u. He then asked if I wanted to shut him out from everyone if that will make me happy. I explained that is not what I wanted that I am happy he gets along with everyone it just upsets me that its everyone but me :( I told him that when I make comments like oh u can talk to him or her but not me- I am actually saying I miss talking to u and having fun with u. Its not how it used to be and now I sturggle to make him smile. I asked him: Haven't u realised that I invite ur friends over or am ok with it when u leave to do something without me? I do it because u seem happier with others than with me and I am jealous of that because why can't u be like that with me?

How could he think I don't want him around others! I just wish he could have fun with me the way he does with others.

The again he hasn't lied or been disloyal- I will give him that- but I can't stand the silence when we used to be such great friends. He doesn't even want me taking care of him anymore- I used to bring him his dinner and rub his feet and now its like don't worry I got it or u don't need to do that anymore.

I am starting to feel disconnected. He said we would work on these feelings together but just now I checked out his profile pic and the image of the two of us togther has been removed and its a picture of him. I asked him if he did that on purpose and he said no. I asked him if he wanted to appear single (althu his status says in a relationship looking for friends) he said no. So I have to believe him.

But whenever I think of him I get angry again. I am angry writing this right now. I want to share my feelings but he doesn't get it. I tell him I think I am having a quarter life crisis and he laughs at me and asks what am I on about? I then realised I am silly myself as I have an amazing job, family and friends and well my Adam is amazing too just a rut I guess.

Anyway- needed to vent and I have. I feel a lil better. Wish I could understand why I am so angry. I wouldn't even know where to start in explaining our relationship foundation. The fights r better thu cause well I told him that we don't fight fair and how abotu we cut out the name calling and the yelling and just talk openly. Now if only I can get him to talk and not worry about upsetting me. I tell him its not a trick and to tell me whats on his mind but he chooses not to. I swear he would rather make himself look busy then sit ina room with me and talk.

I wish he would understand that I am not trying to make his life miserable but he thinks I only get upset when its not going my way- meaning I am childish once again.

Anyway need to stop ranting cause I am starting to get angry again.

Any advice?

[Jennifer]

Anger comes from within and not from the outside. As far as I can tell, he just wants you to be happy and he is wary of anything he says/does. Case in point that you got upset with his words during the conversation. You have decided to work on yourself/relationship and you just expected him to accept that and be supportive,well he doesn't know how long this will last so don't blame him for being being wary of you and your feelings.

You both need some time to see where this is going and if you two are right for each other. He does seem to know how to push your buttons and you see to know how to push his and that is not a sign of a healty relationship.

[Maya]

Yeah we r great atoushing each others buttons. I am trying not anymore but yet even when I don't do anything I seem to rub him the wrong way. I am angry once again and this time mostly at myself! I am angry that I am getting upset over something so stupid and I will tell u what that is now.

Yesterday evening was a blast and I was thrilled that he wanted to spend time with me and we had a good time. Today however is another story and I am the one that ruined things- again- shocking eh.

I was cleaning up as he is havign a guy night and I am helping him host and stuff. While bending over he asks me to stand up and do that again- I then notice he is looking at my rolls (put on some weight). I then recall his remark from last night which I disregarderd which was u r still attractive but when I asked if he still finds me hot his response was....u r still attractive and its ok.

So he had make the same comment again and said well thats how life goes u didn't expect to be hot forever. Then he said all he wanted was for me to be hotter than his friends and when I asked if I was he paused and then said umm yeah. So I got upset and asked him why don't u find me hot anymore so I can work on it. Is it that I gained weight, my personality sux what? He got frustrated cause I got upset and said that he really needed to learn to lie and that it was necessary for our relationship- at that point I got even more angry. I became mean and started making remarks on this and how no wonder he is not as interested and that explains why he doesn't make a move on me and when was the last time he ever called me beautiful. I was like u compliment others more than u do me.
to make this short- he changed his mind and started saying I was hot and now I am angry that he is lying to me. I stormed out the room and here I am writting this. He looks defeated and it bugs me that I treated him like that. I don't know how to recover the situation. Whatever he says to me right now I won't believe! I am arguing over something so stupid too because I believe I am hot and why get over something so silly! I yelled at him! How awful am I!!!!! I feel like shit and to make matters worse he looks so sad and bless his soul I know he is trying. Why can't I just give him a break from all my madness. See what I mean- I need help. I can be such a good person but when I get around him I get angry and mean. Why can't I just be nice to him for a change and just let go of stupid things like this. I need to calm this anger down fast!

[Jennifer]

agreed, what's with all the anger and the low self esteem. whats with the weight gain and of course you can stay hot forever, its how you feel about yourself. if you are going to improve you need to do it for yourself, not for him, anger needs to be let out through creative expression or exercise but when you feel that anger building you need some positive coping skills so you can release it successfully instead of getting into an argument with him.

when i'm angry/sad/upset or even tired/hungry which can trigger my moods, i know i need to be alone and work on it because anyone that gets into my path will get the wrath, especially when i'm either tired or hungry.

you need to start becoming more aware of your moods and learn more effective coping skills for when the anger is too much for you. you pick the coping skills first, not going to pick them for you and see how you do.