come to the end of the road

[Maya]

Hi Jen. Its been awhile since I have written as things were going well in my relationship with Adam. We still had some problems but I voiced them to the best fo my abilities of what I would stand for and what I would like to do without. He has tried his best to keep me smiling and I have come to realize that he really does love me as he is constantly bending over backwards to please me.

I thought he was the problem all this time and blamed him for my insecurities and my issues. When in all honesty I have realised that perhaps I am the problem! We had a blow out fight this Friday which drove me to my friends house and I almost did not come back to him thinking he was an Ass and it was all his fault!!! But I couldn't stay away and ran back to him and after some more arguing we chose to stay together (more like I nagged him to take me back). I kept thinking the man should be lucky to have me- but after all the things he pointed out in our relationship- it is I who am lucky.

Although he agreed to take me back and give me another chance for perhaps the tenth time I feel he is still a little edgy around me and that I really do have to change. He doesn't believe that I will and why should he as I have said that I would change many time and always seem to end up with the same bad habits. I still nag him and yell when I am angry. I still try to control him- like who r u seeing and talking to or where r u going and I don't want u seeing that girl because I don't trust her.

I told him the problem is- I don't trust him. Now he has never lied or cheated on me so I really don't have any cause not to trust him- in fact I am the one the messed up in the realtionship. I am grateful for him staying with me and althu things r a little tense I wish it would all go back to normal when we would laugh and smile and just have fun.

So plz help me change. Help me be free and not worry so much!!! Any steps to becoming a better me. I want my boyfriend to feel that he can do whatever he wants whenever he wants. I do not want to restrict him anymore and I want to be the fun person he fell in love with- not the shrew that I have become. I hate who I am now and I am finidng it difficult to drop my bad habits.

I almost lost him a few times- lord knows why he keeps taking me back- so what do u suggest.

[Jennifer]

Hey
It might be time for you to seek out actually counseling whether it is online through out site or another means to understand fully what is going on with you and how you can do what you need to do. You cannot do it for him or about him, has to be for you. this forum is great for support but it does not replace counseling and it seems that would be your next step.

[Maya]

Thank you Jen

I am doing this for me. I don't like who I have become and can't understand how I got this way. Adam merely woke me up and made me realise what am I doing! I have never acted this way before and althu I was a jealous person in past relationships it has never been this bad. I want to do this to help me- be it this relationship works or not- I don't want to be this crazy person anymore.

I will seek help. Thank you.

[Jennifer]

your welcome, hope you can get the help that you need not for adam but for yourself.