asked him to leave and now want him back desperatly

[ind3p3d3nt]

I am very knew to talking about my problems and to this type of thing in general! I usually hold them all inside until i cant hold in anymore and they all just start tumbling out one by one........I have been with my on and off again (now off, maybe for good?) boyfriend for 13 yrs...we have a 10 yr old son together and he also had one other child (daughter) before we got together...well thats what I thought anyway...come to find out he had another son just 6months older than mine. During my pregnancy he denied our son and would not see him until my son was 9months old. this really hurt me and I still dont think im over it. but thats just the beginning...very long story short i went to the army and he took custody of our son, whom was a year old. i was gone maybe 6months i didnt even finish cuz i was so worried if my son was being taken care of and i was discharged from the army, now during this time we are still not a couple but once i got out of the army he is the one who persued me and said he had made a mistake and wanted another chance so i said lets try again!!!!!!! i thought everything was going fine...he was also denying the other boy for about 4 yrs that we were together he said that girl was a cheater and the kid looked nothing like him and so that is what i believed for the longest time and then all of a sudden he tells me no its his kid and im just suppose to switch up the last 4 years of everything he said...i cant just turn on and off my feelings....so since then we have not had a good relationship he likes to go out to bars and not come home til they close..and he really likes to drink beer and sometimes hard stuff!!!in the beginning i tried to go out with him to the bars but everytime i went we would end up fighting over something and that would lead to a breakup so that is how its been for the longest time. it would just be me and our son in my home and he would be living at his moms (mom is another issue)!!!!! so when he left that is were he would go then he would come back after we both apologized and we would be ok for a while than it would happen all over again....he also cheated on me twice that i know of. and the last time was about 2-14-2009 and it lasted about i month and i was actually moving on like he was and on 3-17-2009 he phoned me at 3am and said he wanted me back and so what did i do i gave him another chance...in april of this year i bought my first home all by myself and he moved in with me and our son but we were still having problems he is currently out of work and not looking since we moved in which isnt one of our issues the issues are im working my but off and that only things i expect from you is to have the home cleaned and our son taking care of and to cook dinner....i really dont think that is too much to ask.... its been only two days and i feel so lost with out him.......i left him a vm message on his phone letting him know how i felt but still havent heard anything back and what makes it so much more worse is that my son is with him and so im alone in this huge house..........................please give any advice you can and just to let you know there is much more to this story!!!!!!!!
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ind3p3nd3nt

[Jennifer]

Hey
Why do you want him back? Are you just lonely or do you want to be with him? What is it about him that you want to be with? It sounds as if you two have been on this roller coaster for the last how many years and just having him back is not the answer. Both of you need to understand and realize how hard/complicated relatonships are and what you both want from this relationship. Why does he have your son?

[ind3p3d3nt]

the reasons i want him back is because i truely love him! he is the only man i have ever known ive been with him since i was 15yrs old and i really think deep down all these issues i try to blame on him they are really all mine! i feel so empty without him! i think i just jumped the gun when i asked him to leave and ive spoke to my girlfriends about it and one says that i do need to lighten up and the other says your better off without him so im so confused... but the one thing im not confused about is that i want him back and i honestly think its too late for him to give me another chance!!!!!!!!!!and my son is with him because i have to work 6days a week at my job.....
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ind3p3nd3nt

[ind3p3d3nt]

its so hard with him not around. i keep telling myself i will get through this but im having alot of second guessing myself. i really miss him and maybe you are right why would i want to keep doing this crazy roller coaster of a relationship and maybe i want to cuz this is all i know....i really honestly dont see myself with anyone else but him i couldnt even imagine someone else in my life, and i really dont consider that an option! HE IS WHO I WANT AND WHO I WILL WANT PROBABLY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE BUT I REALLY THINK ITS OVER NOW!
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ind3p3nd3nt

[Jennifer]

have you ever heard the term co-dependent? It is used to describe a relationship where you depend on someone and cannot survive without them. You are sounding as if you have been in a co-dependent relationship and if he is the only person you have been with of course you don't know if you can live without him. I am not telling you that its over or you should try, but maybe you were given this space to figure things out for yourself and not rush to get him back.

are you able to see your son?

[ind3p3d3nt]

that sounds like it could be what is going on but i do want him back and yess i do see my son the only reason he is with his dad sometimes because he watches him while im at work
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ind3p3nd3nt

[Jennifer]

okay, you keep saying that you want him back but you haven't really explained what it is that you want back. I get that you love him and he is the father of your child and the only person that you have loved, but as far as personality goes, what do you want back?

[ind3p3d3nt]

i want the companion that i once had before all this mess started.....the person that was there for me whenever i needed someone to talk to, the person who could always make me laugh when i really wasnt feeling like i wanted to, the person that i no matter what i had to offer, was always willing to stand by me that is the person that i want back!!!!!!
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ind3p3nd3nt

[Jennifer]

does that person still exist? is it possible to get that person back and explain the craziness.

[ind3p3d3nt]

i think he does!!!! right now im just trying to figure alot of things out.....i went into this relationship not knowing alot of things. i was still really young and i just jumped right in with this man who had already had 2 other children and one on the way. i just had to grow up really fast and be a mom, and someone elses stepmom and i dont think i was ever really ready for all that at 15. Because of the fact that i was still growing up myself and i was never really taught how to be a mom i didnt have a good upbringing i come from a broken home. My dad left when i was 9 and after that my mom always put her random men over her 3 children..... so when i found out i was having a baby the only thing i knew to do was to not be like my mom!!!!!!and i think i have done a damn good job so far!!!!!I've had a job since i was 16, graduated hs, had my own place for just as long, i just bought a home by myself with no help from anyone and im always here for my son!!!! I never put no man before him not even his father (im not sure if that is a good thing)?????? i think one of my big issues is i try so hard to be a good mom that everything else gets pushed to second place ie..my relationships!!!!and i think i actually know i hold alot of stuff in from my childhood and it makes me have a bad attitude i mean really bad attitude with my sons father.. but i think being able to get some of this stuff off my chest on this therapy forum is really braking down some walls that i have put up...so hopefully if i keep up with this i just might be a better person for myself and anyone who i let into my new found life
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ind3p3nd3nt

[Jennifer]

yes I would say you have come along way but most of yourself doesn't believe or trust the strong independent person that you have become.

really glad that your figuring things out for yourself before you rush into anything with someone else.

keep opening up and we will figure it out

[ind3p3d3nt]

I really appreciate the vote of confidence.....but i know i wont be getting invlved with anyone else because i really only want one man and i will one day be back with that one man.....til next time
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ind3p3nd3nt

[Jennifer]

you are working on the best relationship that you have with yourself, if you cannot be okay with who you are, then you will not be okay in a relationship with someone else.

[ind3p3d3nt]

I think i am fially making progress with all the advic ive been getting on thi forum....I really appreciate what i hav learnde here and i going to keep talking bout my feelings instead of holding it all inside...........Here is the latest thing going on with my crazy relationship.....I did not spend fathers day with my ex andhis family but after their barbeque he did come over and stay the night with me and our son....Not sure if that was a good thing cuz everytime he would call me babe he would follow that with an im sorry i didnt mean to say that irene and he always thinks im going to get a bf really quickly so im not sure if this was a set back or what please give some much needed advice......all is welcome
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ind3p3nd3nt

[Jennifer]

did you two have a good time? were there fights? if you two start up again do you have a list of issues that you need to resolve before you move forward?

there is nothing wrong with moving forward with him if its right for both of you, but there is also no reason to rush and it sounds as if you can do this the right way and both get the kind of relationship that will satisfy both of you.