a really long story

[thedudeabides]

So I met a girl through my cousin and we started dating. She got pregnant and had a miscarriage. After a while I started seeing my current girlfriend on the side. Soon the first one dumped me. I was getting more serious with my current girlfriend and then ran into my ex at a party slept with her and got her pregnant with my now 2 year old daughter. So my current girlfriend stayed through that, but has never forgiven me.
Now I don't know what I was thinking cause there is so much about my current girlfriend that I love. but over the next 18 months after she found out about me getting my ex pregnant while we were together, I treated her like she was lucky to get my attention. I would hang out with my friends when I new she had nothing else to do but want to see me. all kinds of passively mean things.
So... In july right before my birthday she out of the blue(by her own admittion) dumped me. then proceded to date a guy from work while still sleeping with me. then stopped that and slept with him and then dumped him and the next day calls me and says that she wants to give it another chance.
I had just started to try to set up a date with some one and was totally not over her and so with tears in my eyes told her I want her to do it as my wife. I had not treated her good as my girlfriend I wanted to take a step towards getting married. It wasn't that I was asking her to marry me right then or really soon. But I don't see any reason that we can't live as husband and wife.

Anyway. so my buddy broke up with girl and was at my apt hanging out with my girlfriend and me and I told him that he should go back to her and give her everything she wants and then dump her. She was really bad to him and deserved it.
Well apparently this set off a red flag for my girlfriend that is must be what I am doing and started a denial of sex.
This went on for several weeks with me pressuring and winning sometimes and then when I started trying to tell her that what I want is for her to want to do things.... well this leads to big arguements.
I have to admit a temper problem at this point.
and a craving for attention. I have always had a craving for attention. It started with my mom. she would talk to me like she hated me and would call me names and then say she was sorry later. And this lack of attention from my girlfriend has made me feel like I don't care about anything my life my freedom.
So 2 conflicting things here. I need attention. I love my girlfriend a lot and can't stand to think about breaking up with her.
I don't know what I am asking but any advice would be great.

[Jennifer]

how old are you and your girlfriend? sounds as if you both need to stop playing games and start learning how to be in a relationship, communicate effectively and overall stop the bs that has been going on. If you both care about each other it would be time to grow up and either grow together or grow apart.

[thedudeabides]

we are both 29. you are right. but what do we do? she has been seeing a therapist. she talked about me to him last time. he told her that we should grade each other everyday. I got straight a's. and when I brought this up is started a big fight and now she won't do the grading because the only way she can get an a she says is to sleep with me.
little more background about me... when I was 23 I was still with my first ever girlfriend. fiance at the time(ha!) she and i were going through a stressful time, we had to both move to our respective parents houses after living together for a year. She had he own problems and could be cold and distant at times. Anyway I asked her to stop for a minute and hug me and let me tell her it was going to be ok and you know do the same for me.
It made me so mad the she wouldn't do this that I put an extension cord around my neck and begged for her attention. The extension cord broke luckily.
Anyway I know that i have a problem with insecurity. It doesn't take much for me to feel like she doesn't love me anymore. She knows this too.
She has a problem with anxiety. She can barely watch me wash a knife. She will start crying if she watches me test a knifes sharpness by shaving hair off of my arm. If some thing startles her she might start crying.
How can I make her understand that my reactions to lack of affection are no easier for me to control than it is for her to control how she reacts to being startled.
I told her that I am reacting with craziness to the lack of affection because I don't know what else to do. She says she can't control how I react. I beg to differ. I can control how she reacts. If I want her to not have a panic attack I don't startle her.... doesn't the same apply to her?

[Jennifer]

you and her need to be in therapy together. if she has a mental disorder which anxiety is then you need to learn what to do and what not to do. sharping your knife by cuting your arm hairs would not be the right thing to do. If my husand ever did that, it would scare me too and I don't have anxiety problems. You need to learn how to communicate your feelings better and be more sensitive to her feelings.

Not about a grading system, that implies that someone is better than the other, about learning each day how to make each other feel better. you both have insecurities which need to be removed from the relationship. Have you been to therapy with her?