Very long, but please help if you can

[Crying_in_Louisiana]

I have been with this man for almost five years. I am not sure where to post this correctly as it encompases many issues. I will try to be clear and concise in stating what the issues are and I will try to give a little background information.

I have been in therapy before, twice. Once for depression and once for recovery from a meth addiction. I currently have 16 years clean. I have been married twice before. My first husband (the father of my eldest child, a girl) and I divorced after two years of marriage but continued living together as husband and wife until we decided we were ready to date other people. For the most part that relationship was free of abuse. I met and married my second husband four months before he passed away. My second husband was very physically abusive and was the "classic" abuser. We had the classic stages and he was consistant in his apologies after the beatings. He is an alcoholic who never got help. I divorced him after two years (we had a son and I was 4 months pregnant with my third child and my father had passed away two months before I left) and spent the next 6 or so years alone as in not in any relationships.

I continued to suffer abuse by my ex-husband for about 3 more years until I made a complete break from that relationship. There was a point in time where the children and I had to go back there to live as I pursued schooling and had no where else to live. Yes, we were sexually active during my stay there. Yes, I understand that lines got blurred and bounderies were crossed and that was not a healthy situation, hence why I had moved out when I got accepted to UCSB and spent two years utterly alone. No dating, no sex, no men.

The children continued to have to go to their fathers and my daughter from my first husband also went there as I was uncomfortable leaving her alone in the apartment complex while I worked on the weekends. My second husband (The father of my boys) sexually assaulted my daughter (not his child). I suffered a period of three months where everything was very very foggy and I could not differentiate between days and weeks and months. During that period of time, he went to trial, plead out and was sentenced to jail time. Child Support stopped and I took the children and moved to another state (hence how I ended up in Louisiana).

I met a man shortly after moving here (within three months) and we began dating and I became pregnant. During my pregnancy I was put on bedrest due to premature labor and had to quit my job. He supported me monetarily and we were together as far as I knew. I came to find out over the course of my pregnancy that he not only was having online affairs, but also in real life. I felt very betrayed and very hurt. He asked me to give him another chance, although he never apologized. I did.

We moved in together after our daughter was born (within three weeks). From his small one bedroom apartment we moved into a new house h bought by the time our daughter was six weeks old (that was in July of 2006). In Janurary of 2007 I took the kids and went to Arizona. My intent was to stay there, but I decided to come back after we talked about things and he promised marriage. He was cheating on me again and we had brought a third party into our bed-- that was a mistake. It caused even more issues for our relationship.

During the time between then and the next time we broke up his treatment of me became much worse. He would threaten me in front of our friends, talk to me poorly and whatnot. An example... we were playing a washer board game with our friends at a bbq at our house and I had something that he did not particulalry like and he took the washer and tapped me on my forhead with it while saying that if I didn't shut up he would throw it at my head and knock my ass out. It was mortifying....

In September of 2007 he took back the marriage proposal and stated he wasn't ready to get married and that I should move or whatever I wanted. He had asked again about bringing somoene else into our bed to which I said no, please don't ask me anymore. He continued to be verbally abusive to me. He had later that month stated that we could still be engaged and he did not want me and the kids to leave. So I stayed.

I need to explain that prior to April of 2008 I had been logging in and checking emails of his. Yes, I understand this is an invasion or privacy, but I do not feel guilty about it at all. I knew he was being unfaithful without that, I had women emailing me and telling me, sending me copies of IM's etc.... I guess I just needed to see for myself. I had asked him to change his passwords to all of his accounts and to NEVER tell me them again. It was brutual punishment doing this to myself and I could NOT stop doing it either.... I tried. So I decided it was best to let him know I knew and to please change them all.

In February of 2009 I found him again on other dating sites. He spent five months not working while I was working out of the home and he obviously had created other dating sites and whatnot and was looking again for greener pastures. I had went onto the computer to type an address of a website and saw that Mate1.com came up. I clicked on it and he had left himself logged in, so I had all the info there. I did not read the emails, I did not look to see who he had connected with. I simply left it up and took the kids to the neighbors house.

I wanted him to know I knew. I wanted him to see what I saw. He came down and we stayed at the neighbors, nothing was said. We got home and played some games on the wII. He took some statements that I had said to the children very personally and as a personal attack on him. I cannot say that I wasn't glad the situation came up that prompted my responses as such, but I did not "make" the situations occur. Example, the kids were asked to clean their rooms, they stated they had and I went and checked and they had not. I promptly told the children "Lying is not good. Do not lie to me. I cannot stand liars!". Of course, he made that all about him and that according to him was my intent in saying that. It was not my intent, the situation came up and it was with my boys, not him.

Anyhow, that turned very violent and he kicked me and the children out. He gave me until 8 am the next morning to pack what I could fit in my car and leave. For five days I stayed down the street and tried to get the cops to help and assistance with battered women shelters etc. The police had stated that they could not make him let me in to get my things and that I could not go there if he wasn't home and that if he argued anything I wanted to take I would have to have receipts to prove I had purchased it before we moved in together. I did not have receipts, he wouldn't answer his phone when the police called and he was not communicatin with me at all. He would not let me get any of the childrens belongings or clothes or diapers. I took the children and moved again to Arizona where I was going to stay.

The first week I was there he said nothing. The second week he started threatening with parental kidnapping and whatnot. I promptly went to legal aid and was advised of rights and retained an attorney through the state. I was willing to split custody and whatnot. I was very done. Then the third week, the tears, the apologies the promises of counseling and the "whatever it takes to make this work" started. The children and him talked on the phone and the boys asked if we could go back. They wanted to try again. He had bought an engagement ring and sent me a pic.... we had talked online and he had APOLOGIZED for looking for others, stated repeatedly he was insistant and determined to make this work. We went back after six weeks of being gone.

Within a week of being there I found a video (and no, I really wasn't looking for anything other than a document I had downloaded and saved to the folder) of a woman who was half naked and talking to him, by NAME. I asked him about this and he lied. Straight to my face (I should have known better, he hasn't been honest about anything!). Anyhow, I let it go. A week before the wedding (we were married may 4th) we had a bbq at my house and he had come home from work for the evening to suprise me. He was making statements all evening about how he shouldn't have let me cooked cuz I messed everything up all the time (in front of friends) and things of that nature.

I ended up going out with the girls for a "I'm getting married drink" that evening. We were gone for three hours. When getting home, I was accused of having sex with someone at the bar. I was so angry... I looked at him and said, I didn't have sex with anyone other than you since I met you, but you can't say the same thing can you? I continued to state, "I saw the video of her and I read your IM's with her. You lied! You had phone sex and cyber sex with her!" To which he told me that neither of those things constituted "real sex" and that I needed to let it go. I shouted at him that he was big fat cheating liar to which got me thrown on the couch and my hands pinned down on my sides as he straddled me. He slapped me on my face and told me to take it back. Being me, I repeated it again and received another slap on the face. This continued for several minutes. He eventually got dressed and left to go back to work.

I had a fat lip, a black eyes, bruises all over my arms, a bloody nose and scrapes all over my knees and hands. My friend and I took pictures of the injuries and saved them on a disk. We got married after he apologized (the second and only other time he has ever apologized). In July of 2009 there was another physical event and I was injured fairly bdaly. I however called the police this time and filed a report. I took the boys (he kept our daughter) and I went to the neighbors for two nights and then to another friends house. He found out where I was and drove by several times.

Needless to say, he apologized to me and the children, and bought everyone new phones and we again went back. There has been no physical violence since. He plead not guilty to the charges and we go to trial in March. Since he cannot beat me or push me, his verbal and emotional abuse have gotten a lot worse. I am so depressed and cannot afford help for medications.... I cry all the time. I have put on weight. My children come home from school and ask why I am sad all the time. I have not thought about hurting myself, I couldn't and wouldn't do that, but I have prayed to not wake up.

I am completely dependant on him for everything. I didn't even realize the abuse was happening until it was too late.... by the time I figured it out, I felt so worthless, alone and dependent on him for everything. I need to say that with my other husband, I knew it was abuse, it was often and I was hospitalized and like I said, the frequency was about once a week. This was different. He didn't apologize, except the one time, it was not frequent and really, the verbal abuse I just attributed to anger and fighting and the emotional abuse, I didn't even realize that is what is was. Like telling me I was plain.... and when I had talked to him about it later and said you were supposed to say I was pretty and he retorted with but you aren't pretty you are plain. Then continuing to point out people who he would like to have sex with and thought were hot.

I just need someone to help me. I don't know what to do. Things are so different here from where I used to live and I feel like nobody wants to help me. I almost 40, I have four children, I have no job, I obviously cannot clean well (that is why he beat me the last time ya know) and I can't cook (I am called the box dinner queen), I obviously don't take care of the children well (I am told that is why my kids are spoiled rotten brats), I like affection (I am told I am needy and clingy), I am told I am fat (I am a size 8/9 at 5 foot six inches tall), I just feel like there is no hope.

[Jennifer]

sounds as if you need to contact the battered support people again and work to get out, you need your self esteem back and that is not going to happen on your own. you have a pattern of getting into abusive relationships and you need to get to the bottom of that.

[Crying_in_Louisiana]

I actually think it has a lot to do with my parents relationship and what I considered normal. My father was very violent and physically abusive to my mother. I did take a few years and did some counseling and serious journaling after marriage number two and really thought I was "healed" from that, but obviously I feel I was mistaken. I have the name and number of a shelter and am on the waiting list for that.

I seem to also have the issue of how to not believe what he says once I am away. As I have said, I have left a few times or been kicked out depending on whether you are asking hi or me... he has a real issue with the truth and doesn't like to hear it much.

[Jennifer]

that is why it is good to get a support system in place first so you can have constant reminders on why you left when you go away. i realize that you are on a wait list but maybe there is a support group in your area to help you through. sounds as if you got yourself into the same relationship/pattern that you were previously in which you need to recognize and squash in order to move forward.