Uncontrollable Jealousy

[T.]

Please help, I am hurting my husband and myself!
Background: Married at 17 (dating since I was 14) and 19, we have been married for 17 years. About 10 years ago, my husband was cheating and left me to be with another woman. I had NOT seen it coming but I knew something was wrong, it was a complete and utter shock! I felt so stupid! After several months of deep depression, constant drinking and etc., I wound up getting a DWI and he found out that I had gone to jail overnight. We got back together immediatley and it took me a long time before I realized I had kept drinking to see if he really loved me or was going to leave me again. I quit when I figured out what I had been doing.

Now: And for the past couple of years, my jealousy has become uncontrollable! I check his phone every night unless he's been with me all day. I even go as far as (Oh God this sounds bad) checking him to see if he has had sex during the day. He works with this woman that has made comments like "He shares EVERYTHING with me", she has called his personal cell phone on several occasions. I have tried to explain to him that since I was so unaware last time, that I don't want to ever be caught off guard like that again. He gets angry if he even thinks I am questioning him, he has never wanted to talk about it, but over the course of the ten years we have to an extent. He says I will wind up pushing him away if it continues, which is the very last thing on earth I would ever want to do! I have tried to explain that I do not want to keep doing this but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like it is a poison, I wake up (If I sleep) thinking about it and constantly think about it throughout the day (not everyday but just when I suspect something). It makes me physically sick to my stomach to even think about it. I am (and have been all my life) overweight. Lately I have put on even more, even though I do not eat more that I ever have, and am now classified as morbidly obese. He says he loves me the way I am and just wants me to be happy/healthy. I do know that some of this stems from self esteem but how to stop? We were unable to have children for 14 years and adopted our 2 daughters and had a son 5 months later. Most of this really bad jealousy started when I was pregnant, though I had bad boughts of it before then, it just wasn't this often or this bad.

[Jennifer]

Hello:
Jealousy comes from a lack of self-esteem that develops into a lack of trust. You and your husband were not having a good time when he cheated and both parties are involved when one individually goes outside of the relationship.

By no means and I saying that his cheated was your fault, but it would be healthy for the both of you to figure out what is making you so insecure in your relationship. Your situation is common and the cheating spouse just doesn't want to hear it anymore Well, there is no time limit on regaining trust and if you are checking his phone, him you have not given him back your trust. Do you want to trust him? Does he give you reasons not to trust him?

[T.]

As to the not having fun at the time he cheated: No, we were not, because he was unemployed and I kept trying to get him to find a job because we were unable to pay all our bills. I was working full time and felt like the entire load was on me and he was not trying to do anything to help. He wouldn't even try to help clean the house and would tell me it was my job. According to him, I was not being supportive of his efforts (he would tell me he was job hunting and go to her house).

Do I want to trust him?: Absolutley! Without a doubt, he is a great husband, a gentleman, he does everything he possibly can for our family.

Does he give me reasons not to trust him?: Well he comes home at the same time every night. It depends on how you look at it. I believe so, I have found hair on his "area" that did not belong to me (he said that it was our daughters and had gotten on his underware in the laundry, but I do not wash our clothes with the kids), he has smelled of soap and sex just in that area, everytime I question him about something like this he gets very upset. Recently-last week- there was sticky stuff on him that had gotten bluejean like fuzzies on him and he said it was from his blue underware (he was wearing black underware if he even had any on) then he joked that he had been having sex with a Smurf. Last night I saw a hicky like mark on his chest above his nipple and he said it was from where our son had been leaning against him while he was reading the bedtime story, but I do not believe that because it was nearly half an hour after that when I noticed it.(he also joked that 15 women piled on him and gave him a hicky right there) So how much is just me looking too hard for something verses me just being insecure and scared?

To be perfectly honest, if he is cheating I don't think I want to know because it would destroy me and our family.

[Jennifer]

Well,
From the examples that you gave, sounds like he is cheating. Not sure how staying in denial is going to help your family because you are distraught by the idea that he might be cheating. Unless you are ready to forget all these details and let him do what he wants, then you will have to deal with this for your sanity.