Two Men, Love Both Need Help

[Confusedby2]

Guy #1 dated for almost 2yrs. He broke it off because his teen daughter said me or her. I never met either of his girls, because the divorce had been so new and they werent ready. He gave into the girls demands, breaking up with me. I was devastated. He realized after two months that he was completely miserable. We began talking again, but I had already began dating guy #2.

I don't know if children of guy #1 will ever accept me and that is very hard on me, knowing that graduations of HS, college, marriages, proms, HS events, holiday and thier lives in general may not include me. It's something I do not believe I can handle. However, he is my perfect mate. We like the same things (sports, foods, lifestyle, etc). My children love him.

Guy #2 and I get along very well and he is completely in love with me. I love him very much too, we have been dating for about 6 months now. There are some things that I do not like with him, but the future with him seems easier. His children accept me, my children love his kids and him. We have a lot of similarities, but differences too.

I like to participate in sports, he doesnt. I scuba, he doesnt. I like to eat healthy, he doesnt as much. I dance, he doesnt. I am very clean, him not so much. BUT he loves me intensely and is wonderful to me and my children, is a great father, his kids are great and our lives would be great together.

I struggle daily with trying to decide between the two. Guy #1 is not local but will move and make me top priority. Both want to marry me. I can not continue on this path. I have had a proposal from Guy #1 and have turned him down already.

[Jennifer]

think you need to work through the kid thing with guy #1 with him and them and why is he coming back now and doesn't care anymore what his daughter thinks? I'm never into settling doesn't work in the long run. sounds as guy #1 is what you want but i would tred cautiously

[Confusedby2]

Yes, guy #1 is ideal. His counselor has told him that his girls (15 and 17) are unable to adequatley understand right now and it might take them years to comprehend the divorce. So, he is at the point where he is willing to make himself happy first and concentrate on them as well, with counseling. He is unsure they will ever understand, but that is a large burden on me to have him not being a part of thier lives.

[Jennifer]

on both of your parts, glad to hear that he is in therapy with his girls and that he is understanding how to move forward. it will be hard to handle, if he moves, what will that do to his relationship with his girls? life is way too short to not give things a try, but when there are kids involved it gets more complicated. glad to hear that your kids like him. do you live with the other guy? what do you think will make you make the final decision?

[Confusedby2]

He already lives away from his children, due to work. So moving to be close to me won't make a difference.

No, I do not live with the other man. I am a self sufficient woman.

The final decision, well...I can not live my life with those girls not accepting some part of me. I do not want my future husband to have to chose me over them or vice versa. It's not fair to anyone. It's a burden I can not live with, I already love his girls having not met them. If after a bit of counseling the counselor doesnt think there is a possibility, then I believe that will be the deciding factor.

I believe I am not giving myself to Guy #2 completely because I feel there is still a possibility with Guy #1. If that is removed, I can completely focus on Guy #2. I feel bad that I can not do this now, but clearly there are still feelings that need resolution and I am not engaged, married or living with anyone.

[Jennifer]

sounds as if you have your thoughts in order and know what you want. I always say that there are some deal breakers in relationships which are kids and religion. You can compromise on most things but those two you shouldn't have to compromise on. I hope that the girls can get somewhere in counseling so they can have some peace in there lives. Does guy #2 know about guy #1? Is guy #1 doing this because he senses you getting closer to guy #2?

[Confusedby2]

Yes, guy #2 knows about guy #1. He knows that I have moved away from the situation for the most part and that guy #1 is chasing me trying to make it work.

He isn't doing it because guy #2 is getting closer to me, he is doing is because he wants to marry me and be with me for the rest of his life. He misses me and loves me. Of course he is afraid of losing me to the other guy, too. He didnt know about the other guy until I told him though. He doesnt live close enough to know and we dont really have many joint friends that would tell him, because he took this job and he lived in another town prior. It's a genuine love, not jealousy.

I know what I want, but I think I need to move on because I can not be a part of a life which puts separation between a father and his girls because of me. What I am unsure of is if this is temporary and their age and maturity level is low and they could come around and I am giving up on this relationship for the sake of our happiness?

[Jennifer]

are you the reason that his marriage broke up? i know its hard on kids when there parents divorce but to the extreme that this is, there has to be something that I am missing

[Confusedby2]

No, I am not the reason. His ex had an affair that they tried to work through. When the economy failed, he left the home to take another job while they tried to work through the marriage. It didnt work. The girls feel he abandoned them. They do not know of the wifes affair. They separated during that time, before they divorced we did start dating. The girls do know about that, though I have not met them.

[Jennifer]

nobody can tell you what to do you need to do what you feel is right. Can you move on? Is he willing to try to incorporate you into his family? can you see yourself with guy #2?

[Confusedby2]

I believe I can move on, but I wont be as happy. I just dont know that I can ever be a part of the family but he wants to try. My fear is I take on other peoples rocks for responsibility. I am a fixer and will constantly be trying to find a way. I believe the stress of it all will be too much to overcome for myself and possibly ruin the relationship for us. We have not once in two years had an argument, I am not a fighter. We work well, very well together. I just can not stand the thought of the girls not being a part of his life. My best friend was that girl and she didnt talk to her father for 10yrs. I dont think I could be his wife for 10yrs with the separation from his daughters. It would devastate me, personally.

I know no one can tell me what to do.

I can see myself with guy #2, but I see guy #1 as my soulmate.

[Jennifer]

I feel for you and wish things could be different for you. You have a great heart and are thinking for others and putting others before yourself. Guy #1 will probably find someone and his girls will have to accept that, its hard but they will especially if they continue counseling. I would continue what you are doing and move closer to guy #2 and see how things work out. I do believe that things work out the way they are supposed to at that time in your life.

[Confusedby2]

Thanks. This is what I thought I should do, now I just want to make sure that I can get Guy #1 to agree too which isnt easy. I always put others first, which is a good thing and I think for some people to understand it is difficult.

[Jennifer]

i understand, i do the same thing but i have learned that it is okay to put others first but not to think for them and let them make there own decisions.