Trying to socialize..

[D30]

It has been a while since I posted here. I have been working on improving myself and getting out there.. It just seems like when I am out there trying to socialize with other people that everyone else is having a good time and I am just blah. I feel like I am a wet blanket putting a damper on everyone elses fun. It feels worse when they notice and try tell me to loosen up and have some fun. I went to a party on halloween after working for 12 hours my feet were just sore and I didn't really have any time to dress up in a costume. I had the host of the party come up and try to encourage me to mingle more. I look around and everyone is smiling and laughing and they are having a good time. I just don't feel that and I want to. It is like I am stuck in neutral. I don't feel intense sadness at being alone but I don't feel really happy when I am with friends. I am 35 and I don't know how to be around people. I have never really dated, gone to parties, i hated crowds, I never really was the type of person to go up and talk to total strangers, I met my first girlfriend online, I have had a few friends, but I never really felt attatched to them to the point I would miss them if they were gone. In fact can't think of anyone I really miss being around. I am trying to learn how to just enjoy being with people. Most of my life has been miserable and If people ask about me, I have a hard time finding topics that don't trigger something depressing.

[Jennifer]

are you depressed? Have you gotten help for that yet? Not all people are social butterflies. I would suggesting finding things that you enjoy and doing them not try to do things that others think you will enjoy. If you want to develop relationships, you can do it one on one. Its hard for a lot of people to mingle and be social at a party especially after working 12 hours, cut yourself some slack.

[D30]

I guess you could say I am just trying to push out of my comfort zone. I know I am not a social butterfly. My whole life has been built up around hiding, keeping people at a distance. I was raised by isolationist parents who didn't trust anybody, hated socializing, and pretty much discouraged us from really getting to know anyone. We lived in a small town and our living conditions were embrassing because my mother suffers from compuslive Hoarding which made things even worse. We tried going to church but the church my parents were members of didn't believe in celebrating holidays so we were not allowed to go to christmas parties, or birthday parties, or events that most people would invite you over for. I never really learned to be comfortable talking about myself. In fact the attitude was to be invisible, to not draw any attention to yourself. I am a good listener though. I am making progress though. I used to feel anxious and want to get away whenver I was in a large crowd of people i didn't know. I hated people touching me or invading my space ( giving me a pat on the back and such or even standing too close). My family was not very affectionate. Hugging and kissing were pretty much non-existant. I know I have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings because of this.

[Jennifer]

good for you for making an effort and I hope that the more that you socialize the easier it is for you. It would be advisable to socialize around people you feel comfortable with and work your way up. Don't set yourself up for failure by over doing it. baby steps are always advisable.

[D30]

I have been taking baby steps I think? I wish I knew why I was making things harder then they really are. I wish I knew why I keep feeling the need to hide how I feel. To hide who I am. (i think i know) that being friends is about sharing who are are with other people. It is like if people knew how I feel and what I want that they would use that against me to control me or manipulate me, so I keep everything to myself. Every time I meet someone I am always on guard. always careful of what I say and how I say it. Most of the time I just keep quiet. can't say anything wrong if you don't say anything at all. I feel so frustrated when i can tell a person likes me and tell they want me to talk to them and I can't.

[Jennifer]

i don't think there is anything wrong with that, you are cautious and careful of who you share with. it is a good thing, when you find someone to click with and feel comfortable then you will share, until then you will do what everyone does. It takes a lot of effort to be a good friend and once you find one, you will know it.

[D30]

Back again. Feeling sad and alone. It doesn't make sense that you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I go down to the local bar, have a few drinks and try to smile and have a good time, but I can't seem to talk. I have never been much for words in any situation. In school i took speech and theater class, i worked in telemarketing and customer service but everything you say under those circumstances is scripted rehearsed. Whenever I do try to talk about myself, I feel this incredible sense of shame. How do i stop feeling ashamed?

[Jennifer]

what are you ashamed about? big difference between feeling lonely and feeling alone. yes you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone it is how you perceive things.

[D30]

Well my mother never really liked any of us talking to anyone. I remem er her ranting about people and how they can't be trusted. My dad would try to talk to people when we would go on fishing trips and my mom would make comments about it that I guess made it seem innapropriate. It is like I feel ashamed that I need someone. Ashamed that I want someone. Ahamed that it has been such a long time because I kept pushing away people that wanted me. ahsamed that I am afraid to get attached to someone. afraid of being a fool, afraid I will repeat the mistakes of my parents and ruin someone elses life.

[Jennifer]

nah, just sounds as if your parents did a number on you and if you are going to live your life the way that you want to, you will need to let go of their belief system and come up with your own.

Of course your parents needed people they got married and had you didn't they. What would make you believe that they do not need people?

[D30]

I don't know if you only go by this thread or if take into account other threads i have posted in. I dont' know I guess i pictured you having some sort of file on this login summarizing all my problems. I guess to summarize, my mother suffers from compulsive hoarding. You could say she is a level 5 disaster. At least that is how they catagorized it on tv. They have a show on A&E called Hoarders. It wasn't a normal childhood and it was hard not to be embarrased or ashamed for a majority of my life and I am working hard to change that. I didn't say that I believe I do not need people. I was just responding to your question of What am I ashamed about. Since a majority of my life has been in seclusion hidng from the world I have build up a very effective skill set at avoiding people, pushing people away, and makeing people uncomfortable.
Even when I want the oppositite. I want people in my life, i want to be noticed, i want friends. I want to enjoy having people around and have them enjoy being around me. I am trying the positive self talk and even tried making a few self hypnosis tapes to help make a positive change. I am trying to be more confident, outgoing, friendly. Maybe I am just not doing it right. [/quote]

[Jennifer]

sounds to me that you are doing it right. you have a lot to overcome and some days are better than others. seems as if you are doing this by yourself meaning no therapy which must make it even more challenging.

you have to notice the small accommplishments

[D30]

I have seen a therapist a couple but things got worse and I wasn't able to affoard the $100 or $200 per hour they charged. I don't know. In my opinon they didn't seem to interested in helping solve my problems, or even helping me find resources, books or websites. They just kept listening, and giving me a few words of encouragement here and there while they took my money for a few years. Since I was basically paying for a place to vent i figured might as well do it here. Most of the information I found. I found on my own. No one told me where it was or how to find it. And I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't want a little help or guidance. If I was trying to do it on my own I wouldn't even be positing here.

[Jennifer]

i was trying to give you a compliment and i believe that you got more out of counseling than you believed because you are very insightful about what is going on and how you can overcome your problems