Trying to ...no, Moving Forward.....

zylisa · Joined: 16 Mar 2010 Posts: 10

I have been attached to my ex or the idea of what I wanted my ex to be since I was 14 years old. Fast forward to today.... I am 39 and I have left for the last time....we were divorced in 4/2007 but we were right back together in 3mos....

Our daugther is 20 and I have a 15 yr old son (happened during one of the longest breakups of 18 mos)that my ex raised as his own...the kids are upset/mad/frustrated with all the back and forth...it has been quite sickening...but I am always hoping and praying that he will finally understand what a partnership is on all levels but it never happens and then I leave again...... this final time I moved to another city and state but still commute to work everyday....and he doesnt know where I live..........I just feel like I need a break from being anywhere near him.......we do attend the same church but he only comes about twice year....we just have an exstensive history that reaches back to my childhood....

I do realize that I am in love with the ideals I thought we could aspire to but it didnt happen.....I am very sad for this loss and I know that I shouldve dealt with all of this right after the divorce but I have delayed the inevitable and now everything feels like it is crashing down around me and it is weird because l left but I still feel so hurt that it didnt work...after all these years........I have alot of work to do on myself so I wont go back.........or even think about it as an option.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

glad to hear that you realize that this will take awhile. sounds as if there is some codependcy going on. do you have a support system in place?

zylisa · Joined: 16 Mar 2010 Posts: 10

no I dont....I have been talking to a high school classmate that I reconneced with on Facebk and he went through a divorce 4 years ago...his advice has been head on but I dont want to burden him...he knows all he right things to say and we only talk via email but dont want to talk to him all the time because I might make up something that is not there..........so I looked online for help............

I think everyone is tired of me although my close family wont say it....I feel they are because I am tired of myself with this issue....

Mainly I have been trying to keep busy.........and priortize some personal goals........lifestyle changes for healthier eating and excercise, in school online completeing my Masters degree, searching for online employment to make extra money, building a fashionalbe spring wardrobe on a budget, decorating the new hide a way also on a budget, trying to learn about how this ongoing crisis has affected my children and being patient with them(they are lashing out somewhat and I undertand), unravleling why I have ended up in this situation anyway...looking for my part in this mess, and grieving....I saved this for last because I do this alo lately....but I think these tears have to come out so I can get on with my life.......I

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

do you journal or now a days do you blog? might be good for you to start writing, some find it even helpful to post in here and read their posts to see there growth. sounds as if you are on the right path.

zylisa · Joined: 16 Mar 2010 Posts: 10

i do blog.......i made up my own blog just for me to look over as the days, months go by...........you mention codependency and i am researching and so far I am finding that I did repress alot of feelings as a child.........my mother used to let me stay with my godmother but she was very critical and verbally abusive to my sister and not as much to me but when my sister wasnt there then she would start on me....she called me a little boy (i had short hair) and I hardly ever looked in the mirror and would wonder why guys like me.............oh boy this is nuts....but I am very glad to try to understand what might be going on...........basically i take alot of crap because i was taught to believe that I was........oh hell naw like i see what has happend.....i know I am not cured today but i feel alot better.....i have to find my worth..........live in it and others will see it and if they dont get it .....then on to the next and my ex never quite saw the worth of a quality partnership and i never stood up for myself in an adult way or I would have been gone along time ago......so yes i think i get.............i dont want to blame him or me.....we were different and i didnt honor our differences bylearining to accpet them with comprimise or leave...........i always had two choices and i waited all of these years to finally take one of them............wow and that means i can never go back to the hurt and pain and frustration............you cant make someone be what you want them to be.............they just are...either you can handle it or you cant....and i never could...........i shouldnt have take up all those years in his life making both of us miserable and he could've refused me coming back all those times so we are both a little strange to say the least.......we did have love but it did not mature and it turned into something that neither of us loved anymore but we just stayed............so i had to decide to leave for the last time......there is nothing salvagable there and we both deserve something full and rich.......and i still dont want to rush or make something be because thats apart of a controlling nature and i want something special that is mutual and not scripted out of mindset........and maybe i will be able to accept someone that is not so perfect but has an open heart and will talk to me and let me know what they really feel and i can do the same........wow i wonder if my old classmate is hitched........but he's just a friend..but i just wonder........i feel a sense of hope and i feel so much better.....i am sure i will cry a bit more....but not much....there really is a process to everything....thank you so much for typing that one word "co-dependent"
I am going to work towards remaining independent.....

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

good for you, one day you will look back and wonder who that old person was, you can always reinvent yourself. there is a type of therapy called narrative therapy and they believe that everyone has a story. you are doing narrative therapy where you are deconstructing yourself and reconstructing a new self. look into that one as well.

you probably became codependent on him because of the other factors in your life and please remember to take it slow and remember that you can only do what you can do each day, as long as you wake up feeling good and go to bed feeling good then you can call it a good day the other stuff is bonus time. feeling good during the day is how you create it which you can in your new narritive.

zylisa · Joined: 16 Mar 2010 Posts: 10

i am definintely going to take it slow but I am beginning to feel "unstuck" i am hopeful and very grateful that i can understand what happend and not just cast blame.....because casting blame doesnt allow me to focus on the work that i have to accomplish to reach my goals.............

i am going to give yself a bit of time and then i am going to come up with a list of major topics that i actually want to work on ....

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds good but please prioritize your list and realize that small goals are necessary to acheive longer goals. we accomplish goals everyday such as each day you stay away is a goal for you, etc etc, helps to remember how much we accomplish each day Very Happy

zylisa · Joined: 16 Mar 2010 Posts: 10

i think that is the main reason i moved to another city/state and did not give him my address....i wanted to give myself a running chance this time...wanted a fresh start but my physical location is only a small part of the journey............the journey is in my mind but i like the new city/state anyway..........but it still sends a powerful message to myself and to him and to commit to my living arrangments for atleast a year.......as long as he doesnt come here or i go where he is then i am fine to work on getting un--codependent on him....and anyone but ofcourse i a very lonely but i do not want to continue this codependent cycle with anyone else...........i know i am no where close to ready for another relationship but tell that to me at 2 in the morning on a sat night...its like a really bad dream......and not because of him....just want someone to be there...........

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

the more okay with you becoming with yourself, the easier those sat nights will get, you might start to even enjoying being single, it has its rewarrds.

zylisa · Joined: 16 Mar 2010 Posts: 10

yes it does......the last time I truly felt single was about 12 years ago...and I had finally learned to enjoy myself unconditionally...my daughter was 8 and my son was 3...it was also the first time I had a separate bedroom from my children....i had my own space............ and here I am again in my own space.............life is very ironic..

my daughter is in college and my son stays with his dad during the week...ofcourse they were mad that I moved so they told me to leave their things with my ex.......so I did and vowed I would eventualy buy bedding for them at my place when i could afford to......my daughter came to see my place while on springbreak but my son doesnt want to see the place....not yet....i am hoping he will come with me this weekend...just to see....he thinks i will want him to stay but I dont...i know he is established with his friends....and he has been bonding with HIS dad and grandmother since Septemer 09..and i have issues with that because i still do everything for my son financially but i believe it is still worth it for him to be around them since he was not really in their lives on a consitent basis.......anyway I am hashing thru all of this stuff and actually my move was propelled by my son wanting to stay with his dad...i felt that this was the most appropriate time to Move on because I would not be uprooting the kids......daughtr's in college and son only comes on weekends and sometimes he stays with his godparents or friends......but ofcourse the kids were still mad.....one because i have gone back and forth many times and two they just wanted their decaying homelife to keeping patched on for as long as possible....and they have experienced the patchwork firsthand....i believe in time the kids will move past this.........im alittle concerned about times like getting my daugther fr school and big family get togethers............but i know the appropriate answers will come to me when these times come........i just have so much on my mind but it is good to get it out and not feel like i am burdening anyone....

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

yes your kids have been through it all, think how you feel and double that for your kids, and yes in time they will understand that this is the best and as long as you and your ex in time can learn to be civil with each other your kids will be okay from all of this. People believe that staying together for the sake of the kids is a smart thing to do but in fact kids are much healthier if they have two healthy parents and they can have a working relationship for the kids sake.

zylisa · Joined: 16 Mar 2010 Posts: 10

this weekend was very happy but then it turned into despair but i feel i pulled through best way that i could

my son did spend the night on friday and tried not to like my place but i knew he really did...i dont have furniture for him yet because he stays with his dad during the week....anyway we made do and i told him how i would decorate it for him when i am able and he liked that....he only had one change of clothes (which i had to buy on friday)because his overnight bag was locked in school ....while waiting for the train his grandmother(dad's mom) asked if i could keep him with me until afterschool on mondaybecause she was going to be out for the weekend(he usually goes back to them on sunday night) i said okay and mentioned that he had left his clothes at school...and off we went on the train...it was a happy ride and we had a good time that night...very happy

next day we went to church (it was quite a commute but fun) and that night he called his dad so he could get clothes from his grandmothers house...he told him where to meet him and i walked him most of the way...i did not hear back from my son so i texted his dad...he kept giving me part of the information about where my son was, and said that he wasnt going to walk him back to his grandmothers to get the clothes because he was "busy" and then told me to stop texting him....i gave him a few choice words and he returned text in the same manner...then i told him that he said he was busy....we didnt text anymore but that night i never heard from my son.....i could barely breathe let alone sleep...the neighborhood is not safe and even if it were i still wanted to know where he was...........

about 7am my son was knocking on my mom's door where i spent the night....he told me he didnt have dinner and was glad it was a warm night because the house he spent the night in did not have any heat.....he said he had called his grandmother and asked if he could get his clothes and she told him it was too early for her to come down and open the door(he has been there for 6 mos but still has no key).....he told me he was going to go there and pack all his stuff and let them know he is not stayng there anymore....i told him he could come with me but he said no he wanted to stay with my mother.....he went to sleep and woke up at 1pm then called his grandmother but no one answered....so he went over there and both of them were home....he called for me to come but i didnt want to go there....i told him to pack and get out of there....i called for my brother to give us a ride so another brother came along as well.....when we got there i called my son but he wasnt there...he said he was tired of them cussing and arguing..so he left and walked to our church...we picked him up and took him back there...by this time his father was there and started calling my name loudly but i didnt answer...my younger brother told him that i didnt want to talk but my son's dad wanted me to get out of the car and come into to house...my older brother ran the message home that we were here to complete this move nice, simple, and sweet and that we were not here to give the neighbors a show and that he sees him all the time on the avenue so we need to keep everything cool....his father heard what my older was saying but kept looking at me straight in my eyes and i looked right back at him but a tear rolled out of one eye....and he kept looking at me......then he went into the house and my son came out with his stuff......and we drove off without incident....it was very draining and i had so many emotions especially with all i am going through...this seems to upset my plans of living in this different state now that my son is not where he was supposed to be when i first moved....
i feel alittle bad that he now has to stay with my mom......i really want him to stay with me.......but i think the mother/father feeing with my parents is really what he needs right now....

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I am confused as to why your son was alone and missing for that one night. sounds as if you made a big step and I can only hope you all can move forward.

zylisa · Joined: 16 Mar 2010 Posts: 10

My son went to meet his dad who was at one of his former girlfriend's house so he left my son there with the son of the former girlfriend........yes we are trying to move on...but my son's laptop was not in his grandmothers house when he packed things and left on Sunday....we have all left messages but no one answers the phone.....but i am not going to worry too much about it ......my son's emotional well being is what comes first...so far he is doing well at my mothers house....

i did talk to him about it a little bit and it seems that his fathers mother just didnt want him there last weekend even though she was home....and tried to make it seem as if she was going to be out....i could have understood better if she just said that instead of lying
and what was really hurtful was when my son went there on Sunday sh told him that she didnt want to see him until monday and tried to keep him out of her house...he just needed a change of clothes ....anyway i just want to put this behind me and for us to go on........