Trust and Jealously Issues

[sweetie]

I have been married for almost a year, and have been with my husband for almost seven years. We have had a long distance relationship for most of this time, as we are from different countries. He is Canadian and cannot come to the US because of an immigration problem, so we are planning our move together for June (when my kids finish school).

My issue is this : My husband travels a lot with his work, and when he is travelling he sometimes stays at other women's houses to save on money. Also, most of his clients are women. I do not like this, because he and I have so little time together, I don't like to think of his time with another woman - especially staying with them.

He says he is totally loyal and that he needs me to trust him and to deal with my issues, because it hurts him that I don't trust him. I do trust him, but I still don't like to think of him spending any time with another woman because he and I cannot be together.

So, I step back from talking (skyping) with him while he is working, so that I don't feel hurt (or blame him), but he gets upset because I am not able to rise above my feelings to support him. I don't know what to do here.. He thinks I need to step up and be his supportive wife. I feel I either need to take care of myself or put his needs first. How can I do both ? or do I just need to grow up, and stop letting my insecurities rule me ?

[Jennifer]

you are not upset about him with other women because he is not, you are upset about your marital situation and you two being apart and that is making you upset about the traveling for work and who he spends time with based on what you are saying. when can you two be together? if you are married why can't he come to the u.s?

[sweetie]

Thank you for your response - I really appreciate it ! You are right that I am upset about the marital situation and anyone, especially other women who spend time with my husband in any sort of intimate way, get me upset. I'm not saying he is intimate with them, but he has friendships and he is not willing to change that. So I react, and then he makes me feel like my issue is very unjustified and ugly. But I feel it is based in something that most women would feel - given my situation of separation.

We are going to see each other for 2 weeks over Christmas. When we were engaged - just over a year ago - he was driving to the US from Canada to visit me when he was stopped at the immigration border and questioned for several hours. He finally admitted that he had worked once in the US. Upon hearing this the officer refused my husband entry and banned him for 5 years from the US. My husband is 52 and I am 45. This was a shock for us both.

Please know that we are crazy about each other. I want to be a good and mature partner to him as he is to me. I don't know if I need to honor my feelings on this or if he is right, and I have a major blind spot on my jealousy issue. He has been used to living his life his way for a long time, but now that we are married I want to know that he respects my boundaries and wishes too. I'm just not clear if this is really just my jealousy or insecurity issue because we are apart or if my feelings are valid. Thank you again for allowing me to communicate this.

[Jennifer]

i think you need to talk to him and let him know your motivation for your concerns and that it is based on how much it hurts that you cannot be together and when he is with other women you wish it was him, he will get that. just saying that he shouldn't spend time with other women or change his ways he will not understand so much.

[sweetie]

Thank you for your feedback. I do communicate these things to him. He reassures me a lot - which works sometimes. Because he cannot change the situation, he thinks it is up to me to change my hurt feelings. Sometimes I'm ok, but when I'm too vulnerable I want to step back and take space. He sees this as me avoiding dealing with my issues, and he does not want me to do this. I think he is being too harsh with me but I know it hurts him when I pull away. I am doing it so I don't make it his fault. Am I ok to pull back or am I in avoidance ? Sometimes, if I don't pull back, when I talk with him and he tells me about his experiences, I just get too hurt and I don't want to hear it. This causes a lot of conflict between us as he sees this as me not supporting him. I am doing what I need to do to get through this situation, but he thinks I am not going deep enough. I'm sure he is right, but it just seems too much now.

[Jennifer]

He is right, pulling away is not the answer, you two are in a commited relationship and there is a problem, yes it stems from you but you need to work on it together and come up with a plan on how you can have good feelings when he is away. i'm sure most of this will be resolved when you two are living together but until then you need a plan. do you have a support sytem? people in your life that you talk to about things?

[sweetie]

I understand what you're saying. I do pull away because it helps me to stay centered and not get overwhelmed by my emotions. I have a lot going on and I need all my energy to take care of kids and be functional at work.

I have some support around me, but I'm private about the details of my relationship. It is not a conventional set up, like most people where I live, so I keep many things to myself. I don't want others to judge me or my husband.

You are right in that we do need a plan.. I don't want this to just be "my" problem, which is what I am made to feel like. My husband sometimes does not have a lot of patience if I complain about our situation. He only wants to hear about the things that we can work on right now to make better. I can't always make my hurt feelings go away. At a certain point - when we haven't seen each other for a few months, nothing will help except to see him.

Not sure what to do next ? Thank you..

[Jennifer]

you and your husband need to come to some realistic goals about your relationship. you want him to change his ways, he doesn't see a reason to and he thinks its your problem which it stems from you but in a relationship it is not just your problem. you two need to talk it out either with yourselfs or with a counselor to make you both happy with your situation.

It also sounds as if you two are acting as you were before your marriage and when you marry and join your lives even if it is unconventional as you say, things change and your partner comes first and that point needs to be explored and try to figure out how both of you can be happy and content in your relationship with who you are. You fell in love and married someone that seems to like his independence and now you seem to want him to give that up to some extent and he doesn't understand.

On another note, I will be going out of town tomm for the holidays and I will be checking the forum but not as regularly.

[sweetie]

Thanks again for your reply. I do appreciate that you have given your time to try and help me sort through what I am feeling and to find some practical solutions.

I am wondering what makes you say that it sounds as though we are acting as we were before our marriage ?

I know my husband needs to travel for work. I just don't like that he stays with other women. Is that what you mean when you say I am asking him to give up his independence ?

Thanks and have a good holiday.

[Jennifer]

yes that is what i mean. he had no thought about staying with other women before you two were together and now that you are together you want him to change his behavior which is okay as long as he goes along with it. happens a lot in relationships when you find someone you find qualties that you like in them and find out later that those are the ones that give you the most trouble.

you are welcome and you don't have to say that each time, once was enough i appreciate it. have a nice holiday as well. be back on saturday.

[sweetie]

Hi again, Hope you had a good thanksgiving. I wanted to continue on with this topic. I have always had an issue with my husband staying with other women when he is travelling - especially women that I don't know, and he really doesn't know them either. Since we have been married, I feel that this should change. That we should both agree on where he is staying. I think he feels it is me trying to control him and also not trusting him.

I am feeling very hopeless after an incident the other day... My husband arrived to a new town in Canada to give a concert. I asked him where he was staying and he said with a woman who had come to one of his previous concerts and she had an extra room and offered to let him stay. Now, this does not sit right with me. Am i being unreasonable here ? When you are married, you do not act like some back-packer who will just stay anywhere.. He is a 52 year old married man. When I expressed my frustration, he said needed to disconnect with me, as he will not put up with my disrespecting him. But I think he is disrespecting me with his behavior. He knows this is a tender area for me, yet he continues to do it.. what do you think ?

[Jennifer]

I think you are both right. You want him to change, he does not want to change. You both need to decide how you will work on this as a couple and decide what works best for you. It sounds as if you are at a standstill wiith this topic with him. He knows how you feel but does not want to change what he does. You need to either accept the behavior or make it into a relationship issue. You need to decide how to proceed with this.

[Steph93675]

I'm new to complete counseling and was just wondering if this topic can still be discussed if the thread hasn't been used in a while?
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Steph

[Jennifer]

Of course. Post away

[Jennifer]

Of course. Post away