Trouble between Wife and Mother

[bh1974]

Hi,
I am a 34 year old man living wth my Wife (33) and Daughter (2.5). My parents live in another country. To provide some background of the relationships, My wife and my parents started off with a good relationship, but as time went by minor problems started creeping in, but it still held on. My Wife was nice with my parents on the surface, but when she was with me alone, she would always point out their negatives.
Recently my Mother was diagnosed with Cancer and she is undergoing treatment. The cost of the treatment is very high, so my parents asked me to help out financially, I offered even before they asked me to, but wife was not happy with this. She felt it would be difficult for us, but I disagreed saying my Mom's health is more important than anything else. We had a big fight between us (Wife and me) and she finally settled down. After that, one day, my Mom said somethings from the past that did not go well with my Wife and after that she got back at my Mom on another occasion by being rude. I decided this was getting too much and I asked them to stop talking to each other going forward. Both have agreed and that is how it is now. I maintain my relationship separately with both of them. I see good points and faults in both of them. My Mom has genuine feelings on the positive side but she feels she is right all the time. At this point I would tend to give her some allowance since she is going through a tough phase with the treatment. My wife has genuine feelings too, but she can be a bit childish, she oscillates between loving and hating a person, there is no inbetween for her.
I am now facing a big problem, my Dad has a conference in the City where I live and my Mom wants to come along since it has been a long time since she has met me and my daughter. obviously if things were nice, they would have come and stayed with us without thinking about it. Now, we are wondering what they can do. I am sure my wife will not like this and having them over when she is like that will be very difficult for everyone. My parents coming over and staying in a hotel is out of the question. I want to convince my wife to have atleast a working relationship with my parents (My parents are ready for it), but she hates them now and I dont see her agreeing to it. How do I go about pacifying my wife and making her have atleast a working relationship with my parents?

[Jennifer]

your right. this is a tough one and it has gone on for a long time. I think you have to define what a working relationship is before you ask her about it.

[bh1974]

As a working relationship, I am thinking, they can atleast be on talking terms, atleast be able to be under the same roof for a few days without it being awkward for everyone. I dont expect them to turn into best of friends, but I want us to be able to meet as a family on occasion.

[Jennifer]

I think that is reasonable to ask and you will have to talk to your wife and ask her to play nice for your sake.

[bh1974]

I was looking for direction on how to approach her. She never has a calm adult like conversation on such issues, she usually explodes and makes a scene about it. I hate confrontations like that. Is there a way where I can handle this in a calm way. Any tips on how I can make her stay calm while we talk this out?

[Jennifer]

Well you know her moods better than anyone and you need to pick a good time to talk. Let her take the lead role in the conversation, almost like she brought it up. Confrontational people need to be in control so you need to let her have control of the conversation

[bh1974]

Thanks, I will try that out

[Jennifer]

How are things with your family?

[bh1974]

My Parents cancelled their plans becuase they felt it would be putting too much pressure on me to get things working.
With my wife, I have dropped the idea of getting a working relationship in place with my parents, instead I am focussing on her reacting more maturely to serious situations

[Jennifer]

How is that going for you?