Showing intimacy to my husband

[chantell]

I have never had an appropriate relationship with anyone in my family growing up. My mother is bipolar and an alcoholic, my father was not around and I have an older brother whom was raised in the same environment. I was sexually abused many times as a child by adults and children. Long story short I was taught to never show emotion and struggle with it to this day not only with my husband but also my daughter who is only 3. I try to give hugs and kisses and it feels extremely akward and almost bad. I fear that I will loose these relationships due to my own actions and don't really know what to do.

[Jennifer]

Hey
I know your post was short, but you have had a long road to get to saying all of that. Have you dealt with your past? Do you believe you need to deal with your past in order to have a more emotional future?

[chantell]

I have not had a chance to deal with my past because so much has happened in the present and haven't been able to afford therapy. I do think that dealing with my past is the answer to my future-I just don't know how to start.

[chantell]

I would love the chance to deal with my past-I think.

[Jennifer]

Okay, we have to go slow though. why don't you tell me about your husband and child

[chantell]

My husband and I met in high school and never dated until after high school. We moved in together 1 month after the first date and did a lot or partying. On many occassions I would catch him at his ex's house or another time some girls came over, he left with them becuase I had to work and couldn't go, when he returned he woke me up, gave me a kiss and told me he loved me. I asked him if anything happened and he replied with "no". I believed him. 2 years later I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter Adrian and 2wks later we were married-we were already engaged. The day after the wedding my brother told me that the night that Cyrus went out with those girls he cheated on me. I asked Cyrus and he replied with "No". After me pushing him to tell me what happened he told me that they just "made out". My brother was there and said that the two of them disappeared into the back seat of the car so I still to this day do not believe my husband. He has lied to many times for me to believe him. So that is my traumatizing moment with him. I have never been able to fully trust my husband since. After my daughter was around 1 year old Cyrus and I decided that he should start working out of town to make more money so that I could stay at home. Every time he came home my daughter did not recognize him and she would cry when he held her. I then began to hand him to her and dissapear to the bedroom instead of taking her back. I feel like I pushed her away due to guilt of him being gone and trying to build the bond between them. She is now closer to him than she is to me. My husband still works out of town and since he does he refuses to help with any of the discipline because he only wants good times with her. I feel like I am constantly made out to be the bad guy. My daughter is now 4 and we have a 2 month old son whom I refuse to make the same mistake with and it is causing problems with the both of them (Cyrus and Adrian). I am able to show him affection but struggle with them (Cyrus and Adrian).

[Jennifer]

I am glad that I asked that question because this is a current situation between you and your husband. Do you love him? Do you like him even? Why do you think that you pushed your daughter away and what happens between you and your daughter when he is out of town and you are the only one watching her?

[chantell]

I do love him quite a bit. I get very angry if someone else wrongs him or even says something bad about him. I get very irritated with him very quickly though. He seems to get on my nerves more and more. I still have issues with seeing his ex in a store and will keep myself away from places where his ex will be or the girl he cheated with. I guess I feel like he ruined me. I do not enjoy going to the bar with friends due to fear of seeing one of them there and I choose my friends based on these girls. Which actually I no longer have any friends because they all associate with these girls also. Seeing one of these girls also brings all of those feelings rushing back like it just happened. I find it hard to enjoy sex unless I am drunk. Which I haven't drank in almost 2 years.
I think I pushed my daughter away because I felt like I was hogging her and I needed some time to myself after spending all of that time at home, all day and night with just her. I get eaily frustrated with her also. I know her capabilities and when her dad comes home they disappear and she refuses to listen to me. It also doesn't help that when I ask her to do something and she won't he refuses to step in.

[Jennifer]

Hey
It is easy to be frustrated with others when you are just frustrated with yourself. You have to remember that he married you, he is with you and wants to be with you. When you see his ex, that all she is, his ex and anyone from his past is in his past.

You cannot blame him for something that he didn't do and cannot keep on blamming him for something that he did do. You need to find a way to forgive and forget about his past mistakes. Is he a good husband/father?

[chantell]

I am the worst person ever at forgiving. Yes he is a good husband and father. he is 100 times better than anyone elses husbands from the stories they tell. Of course he does some pretty stupid stuff every now and again. How do I start to forgive? or even get over it?

[Jennifer]

Is there a reason you are bad at forgiving? Forgiving is something you have to open up your heart to do and it seems like you hav your heart blocked off for your own reasons.

[chantell]

I have been hurt many times by my mother especially. She spent many years in prison and jail. She was also very physically, mentally and verbally abusive to me and my brother. I was often more of the target because I did not share the same line of thinking as her and my brother. She would try to make me lie for her in court and I wouldn't show up so of course she would beat the crap out of me. She left us alone many times without food money or electricity and water. She also instilled in us not to trust anyone because everyone is out to get you. I believed this after seeing all of the times she would get arrested, not knowing the other side of the story. She often resisted arrest and would return with bruises and cuts and tell us that she did nothing wrong. My family will offer help out and then turn around and tell everyone that you are worthless and can't handle things. I put myself in foster care at 15 years old and got attached to a family and they requested that I be moved due to the wife cheating on the husband and I got shipped to 6 different places after that. Also as a child I attended 13 different schools in 11 years due to my mother running from the police and moved to a different state a few times. I had a great group of friends for about 6 years and then my mom decided to move again. I adapted and made new friends at the new school just in time for us to move again, again I made friends but not the good ones this time. I then began drinking and smoking marijuana and at this time I was 13-14 years old. It then became a bit easier to let go of people throughout foster care, but it still hurt quite a bit, I just didn't tell or would make them mad at me for it to be easier to leave without emotion. Also, my father never cared enough to visit us at all and would even avoid us at our grandparents house and leave before we showed up. he only sent gifts or cards 3 different times throughout our whole childhood and he is also one of the men who molested me.

[Jennifer]

Okay you have more than enough reason not to trust, but there were a couple of things that stood out in your post to me. 1. You stood up to your mother and didn't lie for her 2. You put yourself in foster care and got away from your family.

sounds like you have some good stuff inside of you What kind of life do you want for your children?

[chantell]

I want a very good life for my children. I want a great relationship with my children. I want the opposite of what I had. I want my children to be able to tell me anything without holding back. I do not want them to be scared of me like I was my mother. I have not spoken to my mother in more that 2 years and I never want that relationship with my children. I also want them to have a good family experience.

[Jennifer]

do your children have a better life? are you providing for them in ways that you never got? where do you think you got the skills to do that.