Sex life non existant

[amyzdabest]

Summary - My husband and I have been married for going on 9 years. Sex has been a constant battle for at least 7 of those years (the whole 9 in my husbands eyes). He constantly wants it, when I want nothing to do with it. He has started resorting to online porn to get his satisfaction (which as crazy as it sounds is ok with me, so that he leaves me alone)

Whole Story - We met in July 2000, instanty moved in with each other and married that December. Sex in the beginning was daily, multiple times a day. After married, we began to try to concieve our first child. We had to go through fertility treatment to concieve which was ok. Our first child was born December 2002, where I believe I lost my sex drive. I was 130 pounds prior to getting pregnant and gone upto 210 by delivery time. So natrually, I was disgusted with my body which led to my insecurity and lack of interest. He insisted that I was still beautiful to him because the weight was gained due to our son not my laziness. I however did not care, I still did not want it. I was finally down to 160 ponds when I found out I was pregnant again. After our second child was born in August of 2004 I was back at my pre-pre-pregnancy weight of 130. However, had stretch marks, sagging skin and two children to constantly watch... sex was the furthest thing from my mind. However, to please my husband, I would allow a 'quicky' as often as he liked, to leave me alone. This went on for years. We always fought about the intamacy that lacked. For me, I wanted to be held and loved on for no reason, with out sex becomeing the end result of us touching each other. For him, he could not even look at me changing clothes or taking a shower with out him becomeing immediately turned on and (in my mind) obsessed with having sex. He says that he wants to make love, however, I explain that with so many past episodes of giving it to him when I did not want it, that I can not get in the mood. In May 2007, I had plastic surgery on my face (correcting a severe over bite and gummy smile). I felt so attractive, however not for my husband. Ultimately, I ended up being unfaithful to my husband and left him for another man. For some reason, I could let my guard down for another man, but not for my own husband. I found out that I was pregnant, yet again in November 2007. My husband and I decided to fix our marriage at that point. He found it in his heart to forgive me and take me back. Yet, the sex issue still remains. He wants it, and I get naseous at the thought of having sex. Our third child is now here and I use that as my excuse now not to have sex. I want to make my husband happy, but I do not know how. I recently found that he is visiting porn websites and asked him about it. He says that I will not give it to him, so he has to pleasure himself. In one aspect, it's ok with me so that he leaves me alone, but in the other, if he only wants me so bad - why look elsewhere? He is a great man to not have strayed on me... but I kind of wish he would to leave me alone. We get along great most of the time, unless he gets in the mood and I turn him down. I want help to fix me or help letting him see that he is too obsessed and needs help to fix him.

Any advice on how to bring the spark back for me or anything else, please let me know.
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Thanks!
Amy

[Jennifer]

that is a story and I commend you for trying to fix this. are you in love with your husband? are you attracted to him? sounds like he does not let you take the lead and intiate sex. do you enjoy sex? do you enjoy porn and watching it with him? might be a place to start for you??

[amyzdabest]

Yes, I am in love with my husband. I can not imagine life with out him. He is my best friend. I do find him attractive yes, however that acctractiveness does not turn me on... I have issues with sex... if this is a real word, I would almost call myself 'sexaphobic'. If I am in the mood, I would keep it to myself, as if I am embarrassed by it. Just like the answer to your porn question... no, I do not watch it with him. I think its gross and fake. Like he has mentioned toy's and dress up. I can't even think about that either. When we do have sex, I do not like to make noise or really allow myself to get into it... kind of like I am not supposed to be doing it. If he enjoys it and comments on my actions during sex, I get mad at him, accusing him of making fun of me. He says he is not, that he is just expressing to me that he enjoyed what I did. As far as me taking the lead and initiating... I could, he would LOVE it. But to me, if I do, then he will just end up wanting it again later or the next day; and I don't want a relationship that consists only of sex. I know you can't have a marriage with out it... but I try to avoid it whenever I can.

My dr says that maybe I was abused sexually in the past and has recommended hypnotherapy for myself. I want to try it, but at the same time, I want to know how to please him for now. In the beginning of our relationship, sex was ok to do... but kind of like I did it to win him, now that I have him, I don't have to. (When I was younger, very insecure with my mouth, so to get guys to like me I would have sex with them)

Does any of this make sense? Am I wrong for not giving it to him when ever he wants it? Is he wrong for taking it from me when I do not want it? He jokes with me to 'out out or get out' and I think he may be getting serious about that comment...
_________________
Thanks!
Amy

[Jennifer]

well, you married a very sexual man and were okay with sex to get him. he didn't change, you did and that is not going to make this marriage last. couples need to be in agreement with how sexually they are and it is rare that couples talk about this.

this is more about you and your sexual self than about him. do you masterbate? have you ever explored your body?

[amyzdabest]

At first, I did not want to answer this...found it embarrasing. But yes, I do. Not regualarly or frequently, but yes and seems to be the only way that I can orgasm. As far as exploring my body... not too sure what you mean by that. I may masturbate once a month, if even that. Really just don't have desires to... Almost like no matter what, I just do not want sex.
_________________
Thanks!
Amy

[Jennifer]

I asked because I wanted to know about your ability to enjoy sex. Everything that I am gathering you do enjoy it, but feel way too much pressure from your husband because he wants it all the time and that makes you annoyed and not wanting sex.

If he wants sex from you and you want sex from him, he is going to have to respect your boundaries and tone it down so you can ramp it up and give him what he wants. Hardly anybody can give in that much and couples fall into patterns that are not always healthy for them. Your pattern has made you both unhappy and it led you to stray from your relationship.

He is going to need to work with you on this one.