Sabotage

[frustrated husband]

I keep sabotaging my marriage and I am sick of the fighting. Last night was the latest example. My wife had put a pair of pants to hang on the frame of the bed where my head sits when we sleep. The light was off when I climbed into bed and I did not see it. My wife was asleep. I got upset when I turned over and these pants were literally in my face. I got upset and angrily asked my wife what they were doing there. I proceeded to try to toss them on the other side of my wife and they fell on my wife's stomach. At this point she got angry and threw them on me saying that I purposefully threw them on her. When I told her I didn't, she said it doesn't matter because it being on the other side of her would still make her uncomfortable. I got upset and said I was going to sleep on the couch. She followed me to the living room and started yelling about me over-reacting. She started yelling, then I started yelling, then she told me to get the hell out. I got my clothes on and she followed me out to the car and started banging on the car window at 2:30 in the morning. I eventually came in and apologized and told her how wrong I was for over-reacting and I slept on the couch the rest of the night.

[Jennifer]

you need to back up and let me know what else has been going on. if you are both at this point then there has got to be built up frustration on both of your sides. It is not the pants, so tell me what it is.

[frustrated husband]

Well, I feel like I'm not in control of my own life, plus I've had anger issues. I try to walk away and tell her I'm taking a time out when I feel that angry, but she always follows me.

[Jennifer]

okay, that is a better place to start. does she make you angry or just life in general? is there a way to get her to understand that you are angry and you need some space?

[frustrated husband]

We had agreed to the time out where I let her know I'm taking a time out with the understanding that I am getting angry and I don't want it to get out of control with a few rules. First, I cannot leave the property, second, I have to periodically go back to her and reevaluate how I am feeling, and finally, I can't close doors. She constantly undermines this all by following me when I tell her I am taking a time out or I tell her I want to be left alone. I keep telling her its like poking a bear, but she just doesn't respect that.

[Jennifer]

then you need to change the rules and leave the house. make her understand that you are doing this for your and her own good and that you will be happy to talk to her when you calm down. why do you think she won't respect the rules of time out?

[frustrated husband]

I've tried that, God knows I've tried.

[Jennifer]

i understand that you want her to be okay with this but you have angry problems and this is your problem not her's that you need to find a way to deal with. Dealing with her comes secondary when you can get a hold of how to deal with the anger.