Problems with my partner's past!

[OcarinaBoy]

Hi Jennifer,

Lately I've been undergoing some amount of stress in my relationship with my partner. The problem extends from the fact that she has slept with five men in the past, and I am a virgin who before dating her, planned on marrying another virgin and losing it to her. I knew about her past sexual experiences before getting together with her, and it was not as much of a problem then as it is now.

We have not slept together yet, but we have talked about it, and have gradually experimented through MSN, the phone, etc. trying to make things less awkward for me. However, the problem doesn't go away, in fact, it almost seems like it gets worse at times. When we are flirting and talking about it, I find myself thinking about her exes, and the fact she has done it and so many times, and I then cannot forget about it. It bugs me the entire time we talk, or experiment, because I cannot stop thinking, and sometimes imagining/picturing her with other guys.

We've talked about it, and we're both on the same page. She knows what I'm going through, and has been very patient and understanding with me. Discussing it was not enough to help however, and we've decided we should try and seek professional help. I'm just afraid my case might need a professional psychological assessment, and I can't afford to see a counselor about the issue, but I'm also afraid if I don't seek out some kind of help, that this problem isn't going to go away, and we don't want to sleep together while I'm feeling like this (we are afraid it may make things worse, and we wish for a special first time).

I'd appreciate any advice you can give me, and I'll understand if my issues are more suited for a shrink than an online help forum. I just wanted to try and get a professional opinion on our situation before looking into hiring a shrink. Thanks a lot!


Sincerely,

OcarinaBoy

[Jennifer]

Hello:
You have a typical case of performance anxiety and unfortunetly the more you talk about it, the worse it will be. Whether your partner has been with others in the past does not matter, she is with you and sounds like she wants to be with you for all the right reasons.

You will not feel better about this until you take the leap. It is just like learning how to swim. You either dive in, wade in or tip toe in. You can choose. You should not make your partner feel bad about her exs because that was the past and you both need to move forward to the future.

For now if it is something that you want to deal with, stop talking about it with her and just talk about it in here and we will help you

[OcarinaBoy]

Thanks for the reply, Jennifer!

I can understand what you mean, since it hasn't gotten any better from talking with her about it, and I can honestly see it getting worse. However, I'm not quite sure what you mean by "performance anxiety". I'm not afraid of letting her down, or not being as good as her exes were or anything like that. In fact, that's one of the few things I'm actually confident I can be good at, and that I can be better for her than they were. As far as performance goes, I'm not necessarily afraid of performing bad...

It just bothers me that she has done it, and I don't know why. I guess it seems really shallow of me to think that way, and the last thing I want is to make her feel uncomfortable about her past, and I don't want her to feel bad about it. Maybe it's just me being selfish and shallow, but I don't want to feel that way - I would like nothing more than to just be able to carry on our future together, without her past bothering me. I guess I just don't know how to get over the feelings I have, and it frustrates me, because it seems the more and more I try to get over it, the harder it becomes. And trying to ignore it doesn't help either.

You mentioned leaping into it with her, and that being the only real solution to it. I can understand what you mean, but is there not the risk of it making things worse by doing that? And if I don't take the leap, does that mean we'll never be able to move on? I love her, and I hate to think something like this could get in the way of our relationship, and it depresses me to think a future break-up could be all my fault for being unable to cope.

I'm just a little bit confused, I think. Thank you for talking to me about it! Sorry it's a bit of an immature situation, on my part...


Sincerely,

OcarinaBoy

[Jennifer]

Hello:
I need you to understand that this is your issue, not hers and you need to find a way to deal with it. You cannot change the fact that she has been with other people in the past. You have two options. Forget the past and move forward with her or continue to let her past form a wedge between you two.

How are you at forgiveness? Are you a stubborn person? Not sure if it is shallowness that you are feeling or scaredness. You tell me.