Problems with adult daughter

[mymoon]

I am seeking some advice. I have an adult daughter that is now 31. For the better part of my life I raised my 3 children by myself. Times were difficult, but we made it. At about the age of 13 my daughter started acting out, I placed blame on adolescence. At 15 she became intensely passionate about living her own life just the way she wanted to. Drugs and alcohol became an issue. I tried counseling with her to no avail. By the time she was 17 she had spiraled out of control. I had 2 smaller children that I had to take into consideration of being exposed to this behavior. The difficult choice was made to remove her from the home. At 18 she became pregnant and she stopped the drug and alcohol abuse. She moved into an apartment with her boyfriend. The relationship has been both physically and emotionally abusive on both of their parts for many years. My daughter now holds me accountable for her adolescent years and wrote me a 10 page letter telling me how I sucked as a parent and I also suck as a grandparent. I do admit that I have not been able to spend the time with the grand kids that I should have, but I have a marriage and a full time job and at the age of 50 I am tired at night. Although I do go to all of my grandsons baseball and football games. I just don't babysit her children all of the time and she hold resentment towards me for it and is very demanding. Her negative and disruptive behavior makes it difficult to spend much time with her. I do love her but feel that she needs to take some responsibility for her own choices that she made when she was growing up and to this day. I feel guilty for what she has gone through in her life time, but I know that I cannot fix it, she has to address her demons. My questions is how do I approach the situation since she has sent me this disturbing letter and placing blame on me for all the dysfunction in her life?

[Jennifer]

it is much easier to blame someone else than yourself. it does sound as if she might be ready to work on her issues and that is something you could encourage her to do. until she understands the choices she has made on her own no matter what you say it will be wrong. i would encourage her to contine to work if counseling is an option that would be great but the fact that she wrote the letter shows effort on her part

[mymoon]

I have asked her many times in the past to seek help, she has chosen not to do so. At this point she does not want to have any contact with me. Her pain is deep and so is her denial. I have apologized many times over the years for my mistakes and have acknowledged them worked past them and moved on. I would like to reach out to her but also understand that what ever I do or say is going to be wrong, that is the hardess. Do I just step out of the picture?

[Jennifer]

like i said her writing that letter is a sign that she is working on things and she needs to do that on her own. sounds as if she doesn't want to hear from you. you can let her know that you are there for her if she needs you and when she is ready you two can discuss her past, etc but I would let her make the decisions at this point.

[mymoon]

thank you for your in site this is most helpful.

[Jennifer]

np