Polygyny

jojo · Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:29 pm Post subject:

I think sitting down with someone would be a good thing for me. I got a call from someone at the doctors office late yesterday and will return the call I am assuming it is a referral. Yes my husband seems to have this logical solution thats black and white, to my problems. I didn't call him next, he called me early yesterday morning. He was ok on phone, I think he felt bad. I didn't call him the rest of the day either I talked to him only 10 min. I didn't get home till 10 watched tv til midnight and slept till 5:15.Today at 9am I did call him. He was ok on phone and so was I. Calm with less stress, little but not like before. I had to call him back as I was going to my chiropractor (from car accident last week). I called him from dr parking lot and we started off ok but when he said I love her same as you, I said, it took twelve years to build our love and you built same in 2 weeks with her. How can that be? this is lust not love and it hurts me to hear you say you feel same for her as me. He got upset and defensive and said I was jealous. I said look, I am not going to be smiling every minute and have you expect me to behave how you think I should. I asked you that question in a calm way. This is something we all have to get used to including you. You have two wives and if you think you are so damn lucky and your life is perfect just remember there are no free rides. You are going to have to put up with the problems this brings like we are, so you better relax yourself and deal with me if you want this to be the way you want. I need time to adjust and the past few days you have changed the way you react when I'm upset. I need you to act in a more understanding way to feel better and if you are reacting in a bad way then I feel worse. It helped me to say that, and it helped more that he didn't interrupt to defend. I called him a few min ago when I got home. He and she was alone together watching Tv. We talked for a long time uninterrupted and talked about our life and what was happening in it here, with my job, the house and my family and there in his world. it was so much better for us both. He asked about counselor and I said yes I will make appt. I didn't tell him I will have him come when he gets home, but i'll deal with it when the time comes and tell him I need him to come to work out some things.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

glad to hear that you are taking steps to take care of yourself and you will benefit from one on one therapy.

not sure how or why he would say that he feels the same way about her as he does about you.

glad that you spoke your mind and he needs to get used to that because you cannot hold in what you are thinking/feeling anymore.

jojo · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 1:11 pm Post subject:

I am much more calm now, I just spoke to him, He returned my jewelry and got another one he likes better of course he also mentioned that he decided to get her one too so that took away the feeling that it was especially for me and now I do not care about it so much anymore. I was going to say so, but decided against it. Then when hanging up I said I love you and he didn't say anything, I said well is something wrong that you can't tell me you love me now? he said I love you and her too, That upset me, I said "so you can't say that to me now without including her. Don't do that, I'd rather not hear you say it at all. Now he is being super sensitive about her and not thinking of how it made me feel at all. Men are such jerks sometimes.

jojo · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:22 pm Post subject:

I guess he says those things to remind himself that he needs to treat us equally and he doesn't know how yet so he is trying too hard. I gotta teach him how to treat me with this equal stuff and tell him its ok to be treating us as individuals too, we are not twins. When I called him they were walking on patio rooftop. She was crying, he was upset. He said talk to her. I said hi, she was barely audible and sniffling. I said whats wrong, please tell me. She said father. Boy did I understand that that. Both of our fathers have died. aWhenever something changes in my life, dad is the first thing I cry for. I miss him. Here she is with all these changes in her life and she started her period this morning I was told. I said you know periods have a way of upsetting the body chemistry and make women cry at just about anything. I can relate bout the dad thing it happens to me when life changes for me. I hope you feel better soon. My husband asked if there was a chance of pregnancy before he leaves and I counted up the days and said yes the last two or three days you are there. He said "God blessed me with you I can't believe how lucky I am to have you be like this for me" hmmm... He has no idea how hard this is for me. and I have no idea how I am doing this either.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

i don't believe that you two are equal and he is going to need to create seperate but equal lives for the two of you. doesn't sound as if he is too good at that and it sounds as if you are mothering. you get close to her, help her then you fall apart, i

is he going to stay there until she becomes pregnant?

jojo · Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 9:55 pm Post subject:

He is scheduled to leave on April 11th he has to be back to work on the 13th and will be there as scheduled. I don't mean to mother but I am old enough to be her mother, and she is truly that innocent. I have been close to her in the past before I knew this would happen and she is a lovely girl. We had a lot of close enjoyable times together. I visited 3 times and the last time I was with her for three solid months. I know her as a person she is no stranger to me. That feeling comes out when I hear her voice. He definitely needs to fine tune his thoughts on how to deal with two wives. He needs sensitivity with me, i'm the one who has dealt and will live with him before and after. I will be able to correct him when he is here and be more articulate on how I want to be treated and in what I need. He can be a good listener and he is bright and tries to do the right thing.The hardest part will be when the three of us are together in the future for any length of time either on my next visit there with him or if he is able to be successful to get her out of that country using his uk citizenship. You know I get a little surprised on all the hits and views on my posts here in the past 2 weeks. I haven't received any emails but some times I wonder if someone will comment and I wonder if everyone thinks I'm nuts to even be in this position. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and its not the norm I know that. My husband is a most amazing person who has a lot of love and respect for me. It is my choice to try this and keep him in my life because 99% of my relationship is strong and perfect and I have had 12 wonderful years with few troubles. Having another wife and children and wanting us to be all together as a family is odd, but the thing I tell myself is ,He could have chosen to have children without me in his life and he gave me the choice because he didn't want to lose me. That love he has for me and I have for him is what keeps us together. I want to do this I am trying to accept it and its a hard process. I know I cannot be successful if her and I are not bonded in some deeper way. When I'm calm he is so good with me despite a few words he says insensitively. He will come home and start working on getting her here and he will have letdown on his return and I will make him go to counseling to work things out for the future because in a year we will return there together and I have to deal with this face to face reality. I want to be more prepared by then.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

what happens if she does not get pregnant this trip? Just being your devils advocate and letting you know when you might get hurt latter on.

If anyone is reading this, I am sure they are thinking that you are an articluate, caring, compassionate person that has enough love in her live for all of this because that is the only way it can be done.

jojo · Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:57 pm Post subject:

If she does he will be happy for sure he keeps talking about it. Today he said she doesn't really want him to have sex with her very much. she is not comfortable with that. He was saying that he loves that she is so innocent and that I'm so open. That we are opposite in that. I think he is in the honeymoon stage and dream state. He will be back to reality with me in 2 weeks and I think he will feel a letdown and probably be depressed when he gets back. I don't know how to act with him when he returns I never had a second thought about how to act with him till now. I am a bit insecure about this cuz he may not want to be with me like normal after fantasy living for so long. Im having trouble getting counselor, firt one says hes too busy all booked up second one not in insurance network both were recommended by my dr. Now I gotta hunt one up. I'm sure no one around here has dealt with this thing before. Today he saiid I went shopping for you I bought some dinnerware and cutlery, then I got her some too see how equal I treat you. Great!! that made me feel special like the jewelry thing. I think his heart is in the right place but he sure needs to learn a lot. I wish he'd return it all its not for me, its for him. I told him look I don't even know if you will feel the same about me when you come home after these 5 weeks you've had. He said I don't know either, we'll see when I get there. That was encouraging! I said we need to talk and work out a lot I think. I want this marriage of ours to work but I need to know that I am loved and supported while I struggle thru the events of the future when they first come, like when we are all together I know I will feel like I do now. its another process I must go thru, that won't be easy. This time I'm here but then it will be in my face. That is when I'll need you to help me get through it with love and understanding.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

yes, coming home with be another phase of your adjustment, but its funny how quickly you forget how much trouble you had with him preparing to leave and him gone. you two will find a way to work on this and make it work for the both of you. Very Happy

jojo · Posted: Wed Apr 01, 2009 7:52 pm Post subject:

Today I had a pretty productive conversation with him, I told him I found a counselor and made an appt for Friday morning. He asked why I am doing that. I told him because I cannot be better with this alone and he cannot help me, so I needed someone who could talk to me and help me get everything in my head worked out. I told him just because I stopped crying on phone to you in past week and half doesn't mean I am great with all this yet and I have a lot to work out . He was then very honestly telling me that he loves me and intends to keep me in his life. He said You and I ride together and now she is riding with me too and I can't let her just hang on to the bumper and run because you were first, she has to get in and take a seat too. Weird analogy but I got the drift of what he meant. Then he asked me to help him by sending email to embassey in UK for him. He said I will be home to you soon and you will be ok. He said I know you are not there yet and I know and understand you need time ro get used to this and I think you are doing it ok so far. I still feel the need for the medication because whn the xanax wears off I feel the stomach and anxiety return immediately. I have been eating more regularly and sleeping through till 4 am last 2 nights.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

Good and very glad to hear that you are taking steps to better yourself. I like his car example and agree with him. somehow you three will have to form a new relationship.

he will be home soon and you two will work this out. i think the worse is behind you and you can move foward to working on this with him when he returns.

glad to hear that you are sleeping and eating and getting help for yourself.

jojo · Posted: Sat Apr 04, 2009 10:54 am Post subject:

I went to counseling. He was great to give me extra time the first visit and understand my story and my feelings. I will see him weekly and ask my husband to come after a time. My husband is anticipating coming home now. He is tired of the life hardships there with no electric and water most of the time and all the problems there. He says over and over I have got to get her out of here she needs to escape this life. She told him that now she feels more accepting of her life change and is willing to leave also. I guess my counselor will be with me awhile if I have to face that she may be getting her passport. My husband believes he has found a way to get some help in speeding that up. OH Joy. One more week. I am still not up to driving to JFK to pick him up. His friend would drive but hes not a great driver so its scary to me to go with him. My husband said rent a car if you are too upset to come yourself driving have a car and i'll drive it home myself. I think I'll let him do that. I canot feel comfortable with thid drive with his friend or by myself, and there are no easy connecting flights to airport near me from JFK. I forgot my meds this am and had to drive home to take them, proves I'm not handling this because anxiety was churning still till I took med. I cut dose down on both to 1/2 and its been good.like that. 4 weeks of agony have passed. His family and friends ask about me daily and tell him they can't believe how lucky he is to have me and how good I am for him to do this. ha if they only knew how NOT easy I am. Not much about her and I haven't talked to her at all lately. I'm surviving each day with as much effort as I can muster up to do it. I feel more calm and also more numb.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

glad to hear that your session went well, i hope you told him about your anxiety and the pills that you are taking.

I understand about the drive to jfk, how long of a drive is it? I think that in the end it will be better for you to go and act as this is a homecoming for him, which it is and start the process of rejoining together.

jojo · Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 8:50 am Post subject:

I had a lousy sunday I was upset and anxious all day I had diarrhea all day becuse I didnt eat for couple of days. He talked to me but he was too busy so only short time they were with other couples together for dinner. Later I called him and he said he doesn't know how he feels about me and he just wants her. He asked if I was picking him up, I said yes but I don't know If I'm getting the same husband back. He said im coming back, me and her. i said sounds like you will be bringing her back in your heart. He said yes me and her. It was very painful. I cried and he got upset said don't start this now. I hung up. I called him back few min later and told him how cruel and mean it was that he said those thing and who does he think I am. I said I have given you everything you wanted and all my love for twelve years and you tell me you don't know how you feel and you just want her and its you and her. It sounds like you are the one who can't do this when all this time YOU ASKED ME TO DO IT. I'm trying but you ARE NOT. He again said don't start this now. I said what do you want from me when you were so cruel. I have to spend the rest of the dday and night alone hearing these words. I hubg up again and I am not calling him. the next phone call will be from him. I am thinking of not going to nyc Ill call his friend and ask him to rent him a car. I have no idea what will happen when he gets home, but I will not be intimate with him for pity, because he thinks he has to or cuz of his needs. If he wants me he better be doing a lot to show me that he does know how he feels for me.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

I am really sorry to hear that you two had that conversation. That is a change of attitude for him and one that I'm sure is not okay with you. I thought she was going to london? or is she coming to the states? He is asking way too much from you and yes, taking a break from him might be a great thing for you.