Polygyny

[jojo]

With a bit of help from me and a lot of help from his aunt they have started speaking to each other again. She told me it's not just because of pregnancy but she really does not like sex at all. I said it's part of marriage and if u say not tonite instead of I hate or don't want sex it might go a bit smoother during pregnancy. She did have sex once this week so he is appeased. He is stressed and it shows in our relationship as well. She has been trying to talk a bit more so he feels better about that too. Now he is financially stressed and I feel like I am involved with that too since I also make the money for us three. I am now being asked to arrange and take her to medical care. They don't have insurance. If I excuse myself it will appear that I'm not cooperative to him. I said what would u have done if I wasn't in the picture. Lots of challenges for me in future. My daughter is doing well my sister has received a port to begin chemotherapy

[Jennifer]

how do you feel about the pregnancy? i guess its a good thing that they are speaking and having sex. how do you feel about this, do you want it to work between them? pregnancy and having a child in the house is for sure going to change things, things are not going to be calm or relaxed. you need to find your place in all this and be okay with that place.

glad to hear about your daughter, keep me updated about your sister.

[jojo]

It's my turn he isn't speaking to me now. He is angry because I keep asking for alone time he is not willing to give me. I told him I needed to feel like I'm more than a paycheck to him. Yesterday he came home early and I had an Appt 1 1/2 hrs away. He said no I'm not going I thought she was coming but she said no also and I was lateleaving so I just walked out alone, and upset . He tried to call and I didn't answer he call 10 or 12 times and left 4 voicemails when I arrived he called so I answered he was screaming at me then hung up. Said he was sending her away and they would move. Today no different refused to speak to me walked out door this am after another session of angry words. He ignored a txt and a cell phone call later he called home and I answered he asked for her I said can we talk, no nothing changed she is leaving. What about you and I? Don't know be said but she is not staying to be in this crap. Going to England. I told him all I needed was to feel like I matter to him by having alone time he said I'm not changing how I do things take it or leave it you are not going to change me, she is still going. Then he blamed me and hung up. I have left the house to work for 4 hours I didn't get a chance to tell him and I didn't tell her. He is probably just getting home and I will be home in 2 hrs at 8 pm I thi k he said something like I will not get anything from him although he will still come upstairs I don't know what that means. I think he might still plan on sleeping in my bed every other night but I don't know how to handle that. How can I sleep with him beside me angry and resentful and if he means to move why would he say that? So I'm now highly anxious today can't eat restless and upset. I do not know how to act at home. He is blami g my behavior on zoloft and troubles in my family being taken out on him a d accepts no responsibility for himself in not responding to my telling him what I need. He's angry about me not answering the phone and says I'm toying with him and he want let me. I say he is acting out like an angry child swearing AT me yelling screaming and not discussing or trying to resolve this one issue. He knows her and I get along well and it not about her. He just feels he cannot step away from her to be with me occassionally alone. I have been alone with him to talk only 3 hours on the anniversary nothing since. This has become a real mess and I thought I woul at least keep some relation with him even though he had one with her also I wasn't prepared for a constant threesome except for sleeping. I told him I want to be his wife too not her second husband nor his partner in taking care of her with nothing for myself. All I do is stuff for her he can't do and work and deposit my check. I wanted a relationship also. Well my phone is ringing from home I'm sure he made her call to see if Im coming home. I didn't answer. But I suppose I will call to say I'm working till 8. Life goes on in this crazy way for me I'm very tired and more depressed these days

[Jennifer]

hey
so sorry to hear how he is acting, he is not handling this well at all and doesn't know what to do especially since she is now pregnant. before all this hapened, was he like this? were you two able to resolve issues rationally? he is going to have to find a way to balance all of this or nobody will be happy

[jojo]

I think it's too much for him. He always struggled to resolve things without anger getting the best of him but since she's been here it's even more difficult for him. He just wants me to accept everything he does without giving him a different opinion yet when I get him to hear me he always calms down. I just don't think this pros for him . Funny I did better than I expected and he even agrees with that. But if I have a problem he can't deal and the only problem I have is him giving me his time. It's sad he can't see how simple the solution would be.

[Jennifer]

yes it is sad and I hope for both of your sakes that it gets resolved. im sure the idea of parenthood is freaking him out as well. he relies on you to be his rock and that is a tough person to be at all times. you need to do what is best for you and not what is best for him. can't always be about him.

[jojo]

He is still mad still screaming he came up to bed last nite I went straight up. He said Am I sleeping here I said I don't know how you feel then he got in bed but wouldnt talk today no contact till 2 pm then I missed you at dinner last night followed by blame then 4 texts each one he was getting angrier then a phone call I'm this I'm that. I couldn't talk he never stopped screaming. Then hung up. Said she wants to leave and he went to real-estate person .I said hmmm then she lied to me about how she feels he got angry stay out of her lifei take care of her. Its ugly right now . I told him I could spend three evenings three of us then the other four he could spend with whoever her or me. I'm not so sure he liked that.that's what may have set him off. He doesnt like my taking care of myself I think.

[Jennifer]

i think he is loosing it and doesn't know what to do.

[jojo]

Yes he did lose it. I've never seen him so upset. His bubble burst. He heard me stand up for myself and draw a line and he couldn't deal with it. I told him that for 14 years I backed off anything that wasn't overly important but when I say the same thing repeatedly over 3 months I must really mean it. Then I said when are you leaving. After he hung up I didn't see him till yesterday morning. So that was 3 days he didn't really see meexcept when he got in bed but refused to talk. When I saw him I said look I love you but I can't be treated like part of a triangle. U told me u would have one relationship with her one other one with me and whatever we do together. I give you that relationship alone with her when I work no matter what you two do it's up to you to use that time. The rest of the time we all do things together, and I am still waiting 3 months for the relTionship you said you would have with me. He said, but I am here not out somewhere. I said that is not a personal relationship that I need to have. I told him I'd spend 3 nights with all together the other 4 I will work 1 or 2 and the rest he can spend with me or her up to him, if not with me I'll find something to do out myself. I said shouldn't I have enough value in your life for an hour or so two evenings a week? So spend it with me or I'll do something alone but I will not ask you again for your time. He left for work and after work it was as though nothing bad had even occurred between us . It has not been brought up. Last night I stayed downstairs till bedtime he went up to our room early and watched tv till I came to bed. He reached out for me. I hope we can get some time to talk together soon.

[Jennifer]

i hope so as well. glad that you stood up for yourself and lets see if he responds to you in a way that will make you feel as if you are having a relationship with him.

[jojo]

He finally gets it! He has been making a huge effort to spend time with me. I have just been doing my thing. Drama is not what o want in a relationship but he seems so bent on perfection around him and has such high expectation of everything. He is so easily rattled and is methodical and robotic in a way. He is unaware of so much but what he sees and has no understanding of of feelings. I never saw him this way and I think he is getting out of control. Trying to control everything around him.

[Jennifer]

maybe you should suggest him going to therapy?

[jojo]

Hi thanks for your help. It has been some time since I posted . The house has been busy preparing for baby, doctor Appts. My work and picking up the slack for them. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and tears . Her and I have done amazingly well, but as I suspected hubby not somuch. He has been stressed and angry. He has made life difficult for both of us girls and for our relationship with each other. Just before birth on nov 21st I had finally had my fill. I was ready to quit. I told him his anger wasgetting worse and he was pushing me away. She was barely talking to him as well. He let it out that he was having thoughts of his own abandonment at 3 months old by his mother. He was revisiting all that pain and anger. He mellowed out after that and then the following week baby Hadee showed up by c-section as he was full breach. Dad was very happy and a changed person. Full of love and appreciation to me for all my help and assistance our first week home with baby. Mom is very inexperienced and laid back. Dad is diaper changing . And taking baby care from time he gets home to morning except for feed times. He is now exhausted and getting a bit grumpy. Mom is not doing as well as I thought. She is not properly feeding and first dr visit found him with weight loss dry skin and dehydrated. I advised several times but was not really heard by her. She feeds him lays him on his back right after without proper burping and puts his head in a china saucer to " make it flat" the baby gets fussy spits up cries a lot and is hungry. She let him fo 5 hrs before breast feeding once mostly 4. Now since dr every 2 hrs. I feel obligated to be baby's voice but feel like I'm not taken seriously enough. I try to explain my theories to dad so he can tell mom. I hold and cuddle, do not change diapers but I burp him when I hold him and always get a good one then he sleeps in my arms. She rarely holds him cuz he's on that darn saucer after he eats and gets changed. She went to dr with nohi g not even a diaper. Dr had to borrow one and tape it on. She is not so much bonded and too laid back. I'm frustrated cuz he's a baby and needs more. I just don't see the love . He is definitely bonded. It's great to see. I'm reaching a point to keep mouth shut. Though I feel baby needs me to intervene. After 7 days of 100% helping I took some time for myself last night . Dad wanted me to change diaper I did not so rest of night he didn't talk to me and this am not as "appreciative" where I was not so helpful last night. Very quiet. He is exhausted and he sees that she is not there. He told her he feels like he is taking care of two babies. I feel like if I help too much it will be expected. I'd rather just hold him and enjoy. I do all the laundry theirs and babys. Till she can do stairs. So that's a part of what's going on. We have not had a sexual contact since 1st week in October. He tells me he has no feelings for that right now. ??? What's that all about?

[Jennifer]

Hey
Never a dull moment in your life! Could she be suffering from post pardum depression? If so she needs professional help if not are there any new mom support groups that she can get involved with?

As far as the sex goes, that is a new parent thing and stress, tired all the time, etc etc might take aWhile for that to get back to normal.