Polygyny

[Jennifer]

so do you not trust your husband? with all the real issues for you, you are also imagining what might be and that is going to eat you up.

[jojo]

How does he or anyone know how they are going to act with two wives? trust him? well with everything else I always have, imagine things? well yes this is quite a change from the norm and i do find it easy to imagine that Ill feel hurt with this situation sometimes. I do think anyone in a situation with one man and two women would have a hard time dealing with it. plus its not just sex we have love here I've been married to him for 12 years. I feel scared and imagine a lot of things from this kind of unknown. Its the real and the imagined that is making me feel so isolated and alone. His family adores me and all are very happy he has me. they were hoping I would stay with him. He does not like to hear me complain of my fears too often. He discusses her with me a lot. He is not good with what he calls drama.When I get emotional. He is very straight and honest with me about everything and holds nothing back. Very type A, left-brained and he says wait and see. He did tell me he cannot believe I can stay in this marriage and by doing it he has a tremendous amount of love and respect for me. He admits he could never handle sharing me with anyone. I'm not as logical, i guess the anticipation of this is enough to shake me. I truly love this man and do not want to deny him his right to have children. I can't make that decision for him on whether or not he wants children. I want to stay in this marriage, but I also need coping skills to do that when she comes . Can a woman share her husband easily in that way as long as he still treats her well in all other ways? I hear about this going on in colorado and texas and saw interviews on tv and the women seem to be happy. Ive watched the HBO show about polygyny. Never did I imagine myself in this role. She will not come here and claim herself his wife she will come here as his relative on a visitor visa and can stay 6 months at a time. I suppose if I did not know her and like her it would be easier for me to just quit, I do know how she feels and she says she will respect me and not try to be a bother to my marriage to him. My husband said if it werent for children he would not have done this and she knows he married her only so he could have children, but feelings will develop I know that, she will be the mother and he will love and respect the mother of his children. I do fear he may not feel the same to me after she has his children. He says he wants me to help raise them. He sees this as a way to have me and still have children. He does not see it as interfering in the marriage but I suspect it will in some way. Isnt it a natural female trait to feel as I do?

[Jennifer]

It is very natural to feel the way that you do, but your husband has cultural beliefs and those beliefs have led you two too this part of your life. Not sure how helpful he is being especially saying things such as "I cannot imagine sharing you and I cannot see how you can stay in this marriage"

I think you are making a large effort, one that I cannot even say that Iwould make and he is right that only time will tell if you can handle this and even if it will work with her.

So, you either need to figure out how to wait until she arrives or you need to get out of your relationship now, but everything i am hearing is saying that you cannot/will not do that so the other option is to accept/respect his cultural ways and be a part of it.

There is no easy solution here, just one you are going to have to make.

[Jennifer]

And another thing that I want you to think about is that even though it is a cultural issue to have two wives, breaking up over whether to have kids is a very big western issue as well and that is what this boils down too. He wants kids, you cannot provide them and he wants someone that can.

In the western culture, the couple would just break up and the person that wants children will find someone else to be with.

Just thought I would give you some more perspective.

[jojo]

You are right anyone else in this western culture would break up. He asked me to stay he wants me to stay he wants me to try and says he will do his best to always be fair to me. His family is behind me staying 100% they care a lot for me and do not want me to leave. They hope I will accept her as an additions to my life as well as my husband does. I need to at least try but I struggle even before it happens. Maybe it won't be as bad as my wild thoughts imagine. I just wish that I had support in this it always makes it better for me to talk out my problems.

[Jennifer]

Well good news is that you are imaging it to be really bad so it might not be so bad in actually. Wives in the western culture put up with a lot as well such as cheating husbands that father a child and support that child and the other wife. There is more respect here and this is not cheating it is what needs to happen.

Talking things out helps and you are going to have to find a way to stay sane until this starts to happen. How are you going to tell your family?

[jojo]

im actually not planning to tell them because i do not think they will understand. Is that the right thing to do i do not know. there are a lot of judgemental people i have in my family. one , my brother doesn't talk to me now because I married a foreigner from Pakistan, its been 12 years.

[Jennifer]

i was talking about telling anyone. It seems that is a concern of yours as well. There will always be judgmental people even in our families and that is part of life, you do not do what people want, you do what you want. You love him and want to stay with him so that is what you will do. If your belief system cannot handle it then you will know, but you need to forget about what others will say because this is not about them, it is about you.

[jojo]

there is so much emotion now I cannot add to it maybe someday I can but I need to wait till I find out how I handle it. It just leaves me with no one to talk to and I need someone who will listen and NOT judge. My family would not pe able to do that for me.

[Jennifer]

okay, the only people that will listen and not judge really are therapists. We are trained to leave judgement out of the equation and it is a job. Normal people in your everyday life do not usually know how to do that. So do not tell them and keep on talking to his family and him and me of course.

[jojo]

My husband talks to me about it like whatever he says I should accept because I already know this is coming. He is leaving on March 1st, to go to her that is 6 weeks or so that I will agonize over this then after I will have to wonder how it was and how he feels. how I feel will be something I must figure out too. Then I will wonder what the next step is in getting her to come here I know thats coming down the road he wants me to help him so she can get a student visa and get her mba here. that means she gets to stay . not exactly what I want to know right now. maybe it will be ok later but I don't want to help it come sooner. Asking for my help he thinks should not be a problem and I should fully cooperate in that. I really don't want to help him I feel like It will happen too soon as it is. It s his thing between him and her not mine. He gets upset if I dont help him. I hate that. If I say something he gets more upset. what about her she is waiting. I did not buy a pet she is a person and I need to treat her like one and do the right thing.

[Jennifer]

that is an issue between you and your husband and your communication pattern. does he talk to you about other things? he will have to understand how hard this is for you and respect your questions when you have them. seems that will be the only way this will work for you.

[jojo]

He talks to me about everything. he doesn't hide much. He is very honest, brutally honest at times not realizing the impact on me. That is also his culture as they do not have the nicey nicey vocabulary we do. they tell it like it is. Thats why it is painful he doesn't leave much out.

[Jennifer]

yes very true, seems like the culture is more of a difference than you realized. Can he try to understand how you feel about this and that you do not need to know all the details or do you want to know/appreciate his honesty?

[jojo]

We had a conversation this weekend about how I felt. I told him I was struggling. He said he does feel that I am having a hard time but that I am ruining our present relationship for something that has not happened yet. He says he has been very disappointed in our relationship lately because I won't talk to him. I told him when I try he gets upset at what I have to say. He said we are not in touch with each other anymore and our intimate talk and relation doesnt exist. I said i feel the same that we are out of touch and we agreed to hug more and talk more. I told him when I am upset and he says "well at least I am not having affairs or treating you bad." that does not help me to feel cared for or to feel that you understand and relate. I said I need to hear my issue and feelings addressed not for you to tell me be thankful its not worse. I told him I was really depressed about having to go through all this. He said you know why I am doing this I said I do and I know you are normal to feel the need for a child and I know you are trying to make my life with you a good one as well as have what you need. He does have the best intentions toward me I know that. It is just hard to wrap my mind and heart around a whole different culture when it is so against all I know in mine.