Polygyny

[jojo]

I called my counselor and he was able to spend a few minutes on the phone with me. He helped me to calm daown and explained that i should say to him we should take a step back before doing anything. that we are both under a lot of stress and because the arguement was not about the marriage to her but about something between him and me in our own marriage. When my husband came home he was still upset and said that i could have everything and she would not come here a to be a part of our mess because it isn't fair to her. I said this was not about her and we should at least fight the fight we are fighting and not bring the other stressful issues into this arguement. He said he felt like I was wrong to say he was a liar. That it was unforgiveable. and thats why he said break up. I said you changed every promise you made so maybe you didn't intentionally lie but all those changes means you broke your word to me on all those things and it feels dishonest because you told me honestly that you meant them when u said them. He admitted that he changed it then said I am not going to make any more promises because I break them. divorce me and I take everything you can i will pay the mortgage as long as I can, I though hmmm sure you will u just said you break promises, I didn't say it though. anyway he said what do you want? I said When did u stop loving me. He looked at me and said I loved you still last night. I said then if u do why did u say break up over an arguement about sex. He had made a few comments when I approached him the night before like didn't you get enough and think of her. He also made another comment that made me feel like I was a whore or something. I told him that I had a right to be angry about his comment and how it made me feel and thats what began downslide. I said why would I not have that right to be angry. He agreed that his comment was bad. I said just keep your thoughts to the arguement we had and rethink it and see if it is still unforgiveable to you, you are not always right but give me the respect to at least remove all the other stress we have with your marriage and our divorce to get her here and JUST think of the arguement about our stuff. is what happened really unforgiveable knowing that you insulted me first and knowing that you broke your word on all those things and I meant you broke your promises. I think we both reacted badly If you still love me, you'll think about it further as I asked. I left the room. 1/2 hr later he came down and asked if I wanted to go eat out. I didnt, but I went. we chated a small bit. Later I got in bed and began watching tv because he was in bed and rolled over.. . after 10 minutes he reached out for me and said come here, lets start over where we left off here last night... Today seems more normal I had 1 1/2 hrs at home with him mid morning and we talked about other stuff I didn't bring up any of our stuff. later I txt him that I drove thru the parking lot of where we met and thought of him. He txt I guess Im not easy to forget. ??? then i said I don't want to forget u. he txt back i love you. so i guess that arguement is over. I will wait for day or so to discuss that he now doesn't want to sign over house if we are staying together it gives me upper hand if we have a big fight. I said not if I put it in a trust for you that I cannot revoke and the only way I'll do that is that we are still together at the time of my death.. I told him that i never break my word but since he thinks he is so honest yet he breaks his, why would he trust me not to.

[Jennifer]

glad that you two were able to work through this and you do have to remember that basically she could be at the route of each argument. As i said before, you seem to have a better handle on this and how to seperate feelings than he has.

as far as the house goes, I wouldn't let that go, if you are to divorce than you need to get that house back in your name only, do not compromise on that one or you will need to contest the divorce if he insists on keeping his share.

I hope for the both of your sakes that you can find some normalcy in all of this and you can both try to enjoy each other when you are together.

[jojo]

We had the best talk last night he was calm and listened to my every thought. Today he called his family they told him do not leave me that I gave him and them so much he better treat me well. He said I am not leaving you and we will be ok. He said he heard every word last night and understands me more now than ever. He said to write the divorce however I want and he will sign cuz to him its divorce on paper not in heart, and he will always be with me. He said he never heard his family talk to him about me like that and they wanted to be sure that he was good to me and keeping me in his life. That no matter what i do or say to him he needs to treat me well and keep things happy between us because he promised me and just because he is divorcing me he needs to keep his promises anyway about everythijng else. hmmmm. we will see. I told him I don't have the trust i used to. He said I know and I know you are hurt and this is hard for you.

[Jennifer]

Glad to hear it and hope that he can continue to remember that and you two can work through what you need to work through. Something that you said during this phase of the the argument stuck with me. You wanted him to realize that she was not a part of your every discussion especially the ones about sex between the two of you. You need to remember that she is a part of every discussion because she has been added to the family and he needs to remember that he needs to learn how to treat both of you with respect and the love that you both deserve in order to make this work. up to this point, he has not even come close to handling this well and I can only hope for both of your sakes that this is a turn around for the both of you.

[jojo]

I do hope this is a turn around also. He seems more calm and yesterday and last night he spent hours talking to me about what plans he thinks we should make for the landscaping. Also about setting up a plan for vacation in August for the two of us. In bed I said it was nice to talk about house and us instead of the only subject we have been talking about for a solid month. He said well I thought about this but couldn't get the other stuff out of my mind and now it seems more settled and moving along so I can finally concentrate on other things.. He said I wouldn't have anything if it wasnt for you and neither would my family be in a better position. You are everything to me. I told him he has said many things in past few days to make me feel that he appreciates what i have done and I am still doing and I need to feel that all this is for something because I felt I was doing all the giving and all the work.as though everyone got something out of it while I was suffering alone. I also told him that he really needs to begin to stop reacting and start participating in solutions to problem. I told him that when I say how I feel he needs to listen and don't assume . just answer without reaction. I said we never had many arguements before so we need to practice how to have more productive conflicts that don't escalate. His best reaction is to get mad because I have an issue I want to discuss. where he would rather I didn't have an issue. how unrealistic is that that he can have an issue but not me? I said when u have one, I listen I don't get mad at you, I need the same from you. At least we have been productive in the past few days.

[Jennifer]

Great, take it day by day and happy mother's day to you

[jojo]

All is well so far, we are talking a lot and he is now feeling the impact of divorcing me emotionally and financially. He finally is getting my feelings and I feel heard. He is not calling his other wife every day but every few days. we will not divorce right away because we need to file jointly and need to be married on dec 31st to do that. We are putting the house in a trust where we can both receive tax benefits as long as we are together. If he signs it over to me alone and i retire in few years and we are still together it is not a benefit. so this way we can agree on who uses house as tax benefit and when and under what conditions all in trust. It makes more sense and I still feel protected by rules of trust, as does he. We are getting along extremely well now and the fear is gone but caution is present in me. We have lots of time before divorce to set up trust so we are both happy. We have discussed all other options aside from divorce and divorce seems the only way short of her staying there where she is and him travelling back and forth. That is not really a good option at this point either. We are thinking this way three of us can be ok the way where we get married over there. Her and I talk each week and we are great on phone together. Reality will be different but I have left little unsaid to her about the real life here and how I feel. She understands. I'll update later.

[Jennifer]

Glad to hear your update and also glad to hear that you all are doing well. The trust sounds like a good idea for both of you and its great that finally things are settling down for the 3 of you.

[jojo]

It has been awhile since I updated. I have not been to counseling in 3 weeks because I felt I needed time to manage on my own while things are in limbo. We spoke to a lawyer about placing the house in a trust and have decided to write seperate wills instead. It is now time to figure out how to tell my children and I will be going to counseling for help with that. We will be filing for divorce in a few weeks I am sure. I do not mention it but I know he will be mentioning it soon now that the issue about the trust is settled. I could still force the issue of him signing it over to me but I think I am better off co owning it if I want this new 3 person relationship to work successfully. We have had an arguement and he said she cannot live here in drama with us. after making up he was ok. He is not good at arguements because he is black or white. That is hard for me when a gray area arises and we must find a solution. It is being heard that is hardest because he only sees things one way and it surely is not my way. will update again

[Jennifer]

Glad to hear the update and things are moving along for you. Is he going to counseling with you? What do you think will be the hardest part about telling your family?

Needless to say couples fight and he should know that, and the closer the reality of this becomes the more the fights will start up again. You have a good head on your shoulders and it seems as if you know what you are doing with the house.

Take care until the next update.

[jojo]

When he brings up the house and divorce, I will use the opportunity to discuss how we argue and that it is hard for me to feel comfortable when he says OVER just because we disagree. What kind of future will we have if I have to wonder if he will quit if I disagree with something. This is something new his I quit attitude cuz he says it followed by I cannot bring her here with all this drama, and you can have the house and I'll leave before subjecting her to it. I need for us to discuss how we will disagree in the future with her here. He thinks she will never argue cuz she is conditioned to shut her mouth and agree with anything a man says, but haha I'm not that backwards. If she does that, good for him, but I will be who I am and always have been in stating my feelings and it has worked in the past. I'm saying he needs to plan on figuring out with me what the rules of engagement will be in the future. He is not going to counseling with me. He supports my going though. The hardest thing telling my children is the judgement from most likely my oldest who is judgemental anyway. my youngest is more accepting and unconventional is ok with her. The oldest is more rigid and traditional. She will be the hurdle for me to figure out how to deliver the news of my alternate lifestyle. I'm telling the youngest first. She is getting remarried on Aug. 8th haha by then I should be announcing my pending divorce gulp!!

[Jennifer]

Sounds as if his insecurities are fueling this is over talk and he has more inside than he can handle. It would be nice if he could go with you at some point to get out all that he is feeling.

As far as your kids go, i'm sure they will adjust they don't have a choice really even the oldest. Have fun with the remarriage of your daughter and try to enjoy your summer. Are you still on the xanax or is that in the past?

[jojo]

I take only 1/2 of one xanax before sleeping. It helps me sleep better. Hubby hates conflict of any kind and he goes overboard on the emotions when he has to deal with problems. Once I let him get it all out, he will listen but he talks to extremes without thinking then when its out of him he listens to me. Then he just says ok i'm ok. and thats the end. I wish he would just let me talk first and save his breath cuz he always gets it after I speak. By the time I get to speak though I'm upset as I buy into him. I gotta learn not to do that, but he is a bit overwhelming when he gets upset.

[Jennifer]

I'm sure, fighting is never easy or fun, but it is a fact of life when the stress level increases and your stress levels has increased. Glad to hear that you are able to sleep at night. As you know you cannot change him, you can just change how you react to him.

[jojo]

After counseling yesterday I told my husband I wanted him to go with me next time to discuss how we can disagree without having it escalate. He agreed, this is a big gift from him to me. It means a lot that he is completely willing to go with me. I hugged him and told him how much it meant that he will go. He thinks I have lost trust in him and he feels I'm more distant with him. I say he is more quick tempered with his stress. I admitted to feeling less trust and that I have been deeper in though for quite awhile as I process all this. I told him I am scared. I told him that if he and I cannot work on this then all the other things we have compromised and settled on about this new life will be for nothing, because future conflict is unquestionably inevidable, and our life will get even more complicated soon. I said we seem to have gotten worse in communication and conflict for the last two times we disagreed. Unless we solidify our relationship and learn something new in how to interact in conflict right now while we are still just the two of us, we will never survive when she comes here.. I will make an appt for wednesday. Yeah!