Perfect Storm... where do I begin?

[heyho]

I don't know how or where to start this posting.

My S.O. of nearly 15 years told me Sunday that she is liking living alone. That 'we will always be friends' 'you can stay on my healthcare as long as you need to...' and a few others, I was too numb to keep track. A big part of this is S.O. being fed up with me and not finding work ( I know many 40+ folks out of work).

Rewind 4 months.
After years of frustration at work with no advancement, S.O. decided to pursue an opening in another branch office on the east coast (we/I live in the 'Third Coast'). A promotion was offered in August with the start date October. A different state, a different time zone.

We discussed I stay at 'home', until the house is 'dealt with', the clincher that the corporation assigned move team would get on the ball. S.O. had to coordinate this, a few telephone interviews, a few decisions, set a price and list. Even though the economy is in the tank, the housing market terrible, we were encouraged that anything sells at a price. We spoke daily, emails back and forth several times a day. Even though I was home alone, I didn't feel 'alone'.

We visited each other 1x a month, since. We attended open-houses, reviewed real estate (everything is far more expensive and less perks than what we have to sell). When I visited S.O over Thanksgiving, I thought we had a good time, but was told 'i felt relieved when you left...',

Rewind 4+ years.
I am let go from a position I held for 7 years. It's been nearly impossible to find full-time work and a freelance/contract when I can. As each year has gone by, the opportunities are less and less. To the point that I am lucky to have earned $20k this year. As a result, S.O. has supported me in all ways, financially and my best friend.

Just to make things clear, I don't sit around, watching tv, eating bom-boms. I maintained the house, yard & garden. Houseclean. And either did or co-ordinated fix-it projects as it became evident were going to sell and move. Cleared, tossed or donated hundreds of dollars worth of items. Everything but cooking--as my S.O. liked to cook. And, always looking and applying to job opportunities when they fit my skill-set.

My parents are getting older and I am the reliable one, the one they turn to (they live 45 min. away). I have many acquaintances but few true friends. This isn't something I can ever discuss with my family as they will never be kind to S.O. if we manage to 'work it out'. I have avoided even talking with them in case mother's intuition figures something array.

S.O. caught an early fight (6am) back to the east coast, with the cryptic line: 'I'm struggling to understand my heart. Maybe things will clear up soon.'

Since that note, iin the last 3 days, I got what I call a wtf email one line: 'checking in' and 'are u ok' and 'i'll speak when I'm ready'... 1 phone call. I was driving--couldn't/can't talk and a few message machine hang ups--if indeed the S.O. Nothing yesterday and nothing this new years day, so far. I haven't taken the initiative to connect. I just can't.

I'm not and never been perfect nor is S.O. who can't have a mean, sarcastic temper--my parents have commented. There is of course, more.

I think I have a house and I think I might have the dog. At least, I think that's what I remember from the deluge on Sunday. All our finances are together. We were married in everything but a piece of paper.

I am lost. I am alone. Unemployed in an extremely competitive market. I don't know where/what to do. It's winter, sub-zero temps and stuck inside. My life as I knew it, is going.

Where is the emoticon for crying?

[Jennifer]

sorry to hear that you are starting 2010 on this note. you didn't mention if you have kids or not? are you going to try to talk about it and find out how long this has been going on? usually one party in a relationship feels as if it is over and the other is blown away by it.

i see you are still in shock and I don't blame you. hopefully you two can talk about things and find out what is going on.

[heyho]

No children. Our dog is our child.

How long has this been going on?
Good question.

The job transfer was just October.

Me out of work, formally, since Sept. 2005. Not for job performance issues, mind you. As mentioned, worked contract whenever possible.

I suppose I should add that I've been very, very depressed not being able to secure work. My parents have urged me to find another line of work. S.O. claims my career is obsolete and likened to a blacksmith. Meanwhile recruiters have told me to hang in, times are tough but that I'm too talented and with an excellent background to give up. I even applied to box stores for seasonal work but don't get contacted. EVERYTHING is done online and is on massive black-hole for resume submissions.

S.O. suggested that I should go on anti-depressants. The only anti-depressant I need a is to work in the career I've skills for. In all honesty, I'm not sure what else I am qualified for--and I can't afford to pay $800 to career counselors. There is just no work for someone with 20 years of experience.

Back to the relationship...

September I was rebuilding the porch with my dad, saving thousands in out of pocket expenses. My mom happened to be there that day, busying herself with my yard tasks. My mom cracked a joke when S.O got home from work 'you should have been here to help...' 'who do you think pays for all this and keeps (my name) in a home...?' sarcastically, and walks away. I was humiliated and my folks embarrassed for me. And a rift develops with my mother who never forgets an insult.

Times would be good--we would take trips, based on a piggyback to S.O. business travel (who in previous job traveled extensively). And then the passive-aggressive comments would return.

She wrote she will get in contact when ready. I don't think one line emails are enough.
Subject: r u ok?
content... nothing

Subject: checking in
content... nothing

Subject: nothing
content: will talk when I'm ready

'R U ok? ' seriously, no. no I'm not...

[Jennifer]

yes those passive/aggressive comments means it has been brewing until you two talk. right now you need all the emotional support you can even if it is your parents.

[heyho]

I can't talk to my folks.
Knowing how they relate to my sister and her bf issues. It just can't. Anyway, they are headed to warm places to sit out the winter for a few months.

S.O. spent a great deal of time speaking w/sister over 12/24 visit. I'm trying to find out what it might have been about. I was told bf and issues with her ex-husband and child support.

My 2 best friends live out of state.
Both suggest couple therapy. It seems unlikely if we don't live in the same town much-less, same time zone.

Locally, friends are somewhat compartmentalized: band friends, former work colleagues. We don't talk personal stuff of this level.

The band diversion is great until I hear a song that makes me think of her...

[Jennifer]

yes couples therapy is recommended and you can use online counseling to help with the difference in locations. stay active is the best thing for you. not easy I know but it does get easier. it is true that time heals all.

[heyho]

Today is day 5. so far today nothing, nor yesterday. No cryptic 1 line email. Mysterious phone hang ups. Nothing.

My sense is, and my 2 friends, that it is she that needs to make a move towards expressing some desire to work it out. I would just seem desperate. Which I am, in all honesty.

[Jennifer]

either desperate or willing to fight for the relationship. your s.o might what to see some effort on your part. if not having a job has gotten you down and your s.o has been supporting you emotionally and financially it might be an effort thing on your part.

[heyho]

>> ...'it might be an effort thing on your part.'

'It' being...? She doesn't think I'm trying hard enough?

I've made every effort possible to land a job in both cities, now. Firms aren't interviewing much less hiring. I've been to career fairs, resume clinics, recruiters, cold calling... I'm open to suggestions.

I've never felt so alone in my life...

[heyho]

and now, I just received an email from one of those 2 best friends that said my S.O. contacted and told her that 'we were broken up'...

[Jennifer]

you will need to contact her and find out what is going on. have you thought about what life will be without her? what will you do?

[heyho]

I have contacted her--phone, email. She sent an email response that she was working but would when she was available to talk... that was almost 5 hours ago.

I called again. Left another message 'please call we need to talk'.

I wait. Alone.

And yes, I have thought deeply of life without her and panic. I missed her when it was just the long distance thing. At least that seemed to have way of working. Even if it was a few days a month.

This is to much.

[Jennifer]

I didn't mean effort in finding a job effort in staying positive and happy and contributing to the relationship. has beeingg out of work changed your personality? you appear scared unable t handle being without her, are you a needy person? does she respond to that?

if you have made an effort to contact her then she needs to make the next step

[heyho]

NEEDY???

This is the person I have shared a life, built a home, and planned the future with, a will, the works. The person who was next to me in surgery. The person we, as recently as 3 weeks ago, was looking for new homes together. We cried together, burying pets, laughed together, celebrated. Anything a couple goes through, we did it. And never thought of cheating. Ever.

Has my personality changed because of lack of work. Likely true.
I'm frustrated. It depresses me to rely financially on anyone when I was an independent being. She claimed I took my frustrations out on her but she never elaborated how. And firms aren't hiring.

As of this morning and another sleepless night. I've heard nothing.

[Jennifer]

you say all of that and then admit that you have changed and I can only assume the dynamic of your relationship has changed.

just trying to give you insight on how/why she is doing this. maybe she wants a partner back the person she shared all of those memories with.