No where left to go

[Mommaof21662]

So I guess I'm on here because I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I guess I should start at the begining. I started dating my husband 10 years go (I was 14 he was 15). We had the picture perfect highschool sweet heart relationship. Then he went away to college.

We both decided to make the long distance relationship work. I would go visit him every weekend and he would come home when he could. In his sophmore year we split up, mainly because I knew he was getting calls from other girls at all hours of the night. Durning that time I'm not completely sure what he did, but I dated someone new. Even though we were split up my husband would maniputlate everyone close to me into think I was a horrible person and everything was 100% my fault. When I started to feel like I was losing my family and friends because I was not with him, I decided to try to work it out. Things were better for the next year. I then found out I was pregnant.

After my daughter was born I worked full time while he stayed out of state to finish his last year of school. When he graduated he moved into the apartment in my grandparents house with me. But, it seemed as if he wasnt willing to give up his college lifestyle. We split up once again when the late nights and partying became too much for me. He was not happy about the situation and once again confronted my family to convice them I was to blame. I came home from work one day to find the locks on my grandparents house had been changed and my bags were out side. I called a good friend of mine who allowed me to use an extra room. I then recieved calls from my husband and family saying he was going to take my daughter away if i left him. I was completely stressed out and had no where to go and no one to turn to. I gave in again and worked thing out with him.

Needless to say we have been married for 2 years (we now have 2 children) and there no surprise that nothing changed. He feels he can do whatever he wants and if i question it I am the one at fault. There's no physical abuse but I just don't feel a connection, and to be honest don't think I ever have. I feel like I was forced to either be with him or lose everyone close to me. I feel like every "happy" monent we have is either because of the kids or an act to pretend everything is ok. He is not close with his family and I feel like he has never really loved me but instead wanted so badly to be a part of my family who he loves so much.

At this point I feel trapped. We have a house and 2 kids and I am miserable. I am so afraid to leave because every time I have tried I am alone. I don't want to lose everyone I care about. I just don't know how to get away. I don't know where I would go and I don't know how I could make it on my own if everyone turns against me again. I don't expect anyone to have the answer. I guess I just needed to finally express how I felt instead of pretending I have the perfect life.

[Jennifer]

he is emotionally abusing you by alienting your friends/family and basically keeping you a prisioner in your own home. that is not a relationship, that is abuse and it will be up to you how to proceed from here. Do you have any support groups in your area for abused women or women's in distress that you can go and get help?

[Mommaof21662]

To Be honest i don't really know. I have never looked into support systems because I have never though of it as abuse. I guess you just think of abuse as bruises and broken bones. My family has always been my support system. But, he is so good at manipulating them to see things his way. I know they don't intentionally take his side but I get left alone. I use to have alot of close freinds but now I have none because of my relationship with him. It's not that my friends don't like him, he can charm anyone. He just doesn't like them. Which mean an argument if I go out. But then he puts me down and says I'm antisocial because I have no friends. That I have low self esteem because I gained weight. I'm afraid to stand up for myself because Im afraid to be alone. And by alone i don't me without him. I would be relieved to be with out him. I don't want to lose everyone else. I don't want him to manipulate my children into believe I am to blame. I try so hard to be happy with him but I know its just an act.

[Jennifer]

Did you ever see the movie sleeping with the enemy with Julia Roberts? That movie was about emotional abuse and it is much more powerful than physical abuse. he got your grandparents to lock you out of your place, that is bad stuff and it sounds as if you are going to need outside support besides your family to get through this.

[Mommaof21662]

I guess I have known that for a long time. The biggest thing that has held me back is the fear of being alone. I have been so afraid that this is the best i can expect. That if i leave and lose everyone i care about i will be worse off. But, i know i cant live like this forever. No one could.

[Jennifer]

No you cannot or so it seems and that is why you reached out for help, but you have to realize that you could loose everyone that you knew but you will have yourself and who you are and you can build new improved relationships with people.

[Mommaof21662]

Well, I made a small step last night. I talked to my grandmom, who is probably the closest person to me. I told her I couldn't take it anymore. I told her I can't live like this. She was clearly upset for me. She said she understand that he is not treating me right. But, im not surprised that she thinks "I Should nip this is the bud" and "put him in his place". I tried to explain to her that I don't think he really cares how I feel. I don't think he cares about me at all and only shows emotions to keep me from leaving. She says I should have a serious talk with him. And I explained to her that I have and that he simply says I'm crazy or I am over exagerating. He says " oh poor poor Jen you have it so bad..get over yourself". So, now she know I can't take it. She still think "I" should fix it. But, I am starting to realize I can't fix something thats out of my control. So, Last night I called the women's support line. I guess I needed to hear someone who wasn't going to imply that I wasn't doing enough or it was some how my fault. They gave me a number to get some help but to be honest I'm still afraid to call. I'm afraid he'll find out. Im afriad he'll see the number on my phone. I know he checks my calls and monitors my computer. I hate that after all this suffering I feel and all the times I'm miserable, I'm still afraid that if I leave I'll hurt him. That maybe he needs me. I feel like I need to protect him. I hate him so much so why do I care.

[Jennifer]

good for you for making the first step in finding the support number to call. yes it is very scary and your grandma probably doesn't understand the extent of the situation. You also have to remember that she is from the era of the depression where you stood together no matter what and all things could be worked out.

take baby steps and you don't need to do everything at once. when you are ready make the call, do it at work or find a working payphone and use that, the counselors do understand and you are not alone in thinking that he monnitors everything that you do and they will do what they can to help you come up with a saftey plan.