Newlywed, opposite sex friend and jealousy

[kazure]

I am newly married - 2 months after 4 years of dating.

I have recently became aware that my husband has a female friend that he spent time with the months leading up to our wedding. During the time that they were hanging out, not once did he ever mention that he was hanging out with her. Nor did he mention how close he was with this friend - emailing, texting, drinking together. He did say that he met her at a bar where they shared a unique situation - my husband's ex-wife is dating this friend's ex-boyfriend, and was the reason they broke up.

I used to call myself progressive on my stance of opposite sex friendships. I used to feel that if you trust your SO, then you should have nothing to worry about when they are relating to other males/females. Boy, nothing would've prepared me for this whopper! I feel so jealous. But more than that, I feel deceived.

I had a radically honest conversation with my husband, and I explained how his spending time alone with this female friend makes me feel, and how it is especially hurtful (and curious) that he didn't think to do so with full disclosure. I made sure to let him know that I understand these are my feelings of jealousy, and that I am not accusing him of any "wrong doing" or infidelity, but that I feel it is important that we protect the intimacy of our new marriage by not inviting opportunities that may damage us.

Once I explained this to him, he did agree that spending time alone with another female, although seemingly innocent on his part, was not a good idea. And not telling me was even worse. And I was relieved.

But after checking the phone bill, I noticed that they still frequently text each other (once or twice a day). I did not suggest the ultimatum of him discontinuing contact with her, because I don't believe in ultimatums. But it continues to eat me up inside - I don't know if it's insecurity, jealousy or what. I've done my due diligence in revealing my feelings to him. What else can I do? I do not approve of the relationship.

Am I being too jealous? And even if my feelings aren't justified, is it okay to ask him to stop his relationship with her so that our marriage can grow?

[Jennifer]

hey,
firstly congrats on the marriage! no I don't think you are overacting because there is just cause to be concerned. the # 1 base for a good relationship is trust and no matter what he said, he is still going behind your back so im sure you are thinking what else is he hiding from you.

being newly married myself, and being in my profession there comes no good from past single opposite sex relationships. there is no rationale for it really.

this is my take and you have to decide how to proceed. what do you think you want to do next?

[kazure]

Thanks so much for the quick reply. That's amazing. And congrats to you as well!

My instinct told me that the relationship my husband has with this woman does not have a place in his life - but it's difficult to navigate these issues. Because we're newly married, I want to be careful about setting the tone for our conflicts. So I don't want to just beat the dead horse. I've explained very clearly to him my stance on it, over the course of three or so conversations, but I just don't know how much more clear I can be!

My husband is very caring, but often he doesn't see things until it is spelled out to him. I fear I may have to ask him to cease his friendship.

My main fear is that my nature is to withdraw from being hurt. I have made great strides NOT to react this way in my marriage. I've been consciously making myself more vulnerable so that I can have a more satisfying relationship. But I feel like I may regress if this is not cleared. Do you think I should just confront him? Make the ultimatum?

[Jennifer]

really don't like the word ultimatum but men do need things spelled out for them exactly and you are his wife and that relationship needs foundation more than any other ones or else you two will drift apart. you can tell him how it makes you feel and remember to come from the "I" position and stay calm.

[kazure]

Thanks so much. I will look for an opportunity to bring it up with him again.

[Jennifer]

good and luck and hope that he can respect you and your relationship enough to do what you want.

[kazure]

Hi! Just wanted to update:

Today, I had a frank discussion with my husband about his female friend. I asked him if he was still in contact with her, and what, if any changes in the nature of his relationship with her he had decided to make.

In the end, he became agreeable to discontinuing his relationship with her. I told him that I felt guilty in having it come to this, but I can't shake my negative feelings about him and her. He told me that what mattered most is that I feel okay about our marriage, and that "friends come and go."

I feel so much better. Thank you so much for your awesome advice.

[Jennifer]

no problemo, seems you and your husband are both committed to making your relationship work and it sounds as if he is open to listening to you, which is great. always remember to keep on talking to each other