New girlfriend after divorce

[Scott30]

Hi,

I have a new girlfriend after my divorce(seperated 3 years ago and divorced 18 months). She is also in the process of divorce(seperated alittle over 2 years). We both have custody of our kids( two each). We have been seeing each other for 8 months. We both deeper care for each other and Love each other. We have openly talked about what we didn't like in our previous relationships and have talked about what we want. One of the main problems we are having is when something happens or is said wrong, we respond to it in a negative way. With out knowing it we get defensive and put walls up towards each other. It might take a few hours to notice whats happening but its also been weeks at a time before things get better. We both don't like this how are past is effecting us now. I have been to counseling for quite sometime even before my break up. I have depression and have it mostly under control. I feel I have dealt with my divorce and am ok with it. I feel I'm over my divorce but when it comes to the new relationship I fall on my face quite often. Be single with kids we have limited time and funds. We do communicate everyday with each other and have alone time every other weekend together. What would your advice in this situation?

Thank you for your time
Scott

[Jennifer]

Can you explain what you mean by negative way because it would seem clear that you would respond negative to a negative situaiton and how does this relate to your past relationships? I can tell you have been in counseling because you are able to articulate your thoughts on this matter very clearly, can she has well? What makes it that it takes weeks to resolve the issue and why can't you two resolve issues together.

[Scott30]

She can talk about her feelings openly. Responding to things in a negative way is like something is misunderstood, then the other person gets defensive. It seems like there are a lot of little triggers that set us off and over react to things. Its not a conscious decesion we make, it seems like its a reaction to the way we dealt with things in the past to protet ourselves. We were both emotionally abused in our marriages. What I'm trying to say is that the negative way is not the way we would want to react but we don't notice that we do. We both get defensive and don't want to let our guard down. I think its because we don't want to get hurt again like we did in the past. The biggest part of this is we don't realize that we are doing it, these walls( what we call them) come up with out notice. It just happens and causes arguements and hurt feelings.

[Jennifer]

then both of you didn't take the time to heal from your past relationship before you jumped into this relationship, You always need to recover from a past relationship before you can successfully have a new relationship. The most important relationship you can ever have is with yourself. Sounds as if you both are not ready for a serious relationship and need to be open to this idea.

[Scott30]

I have thought about that quite a bit. One perspective that I have on it is that things these aren't going to come up or happen with out being in a realationship. I was single for quite awhile, but am affected probably more than my girlfriend is about the walls and negatives coming out. When we met it wasn't my intention to fall in love as it wasn't hers either. I'm not even sure how to explain the feeling I have for her. It's not something I've ha in the past. Not seeing her for isn't a option until I've explored every option to get past the things that are weighing us down. Marriage wouldn't happen for quite sometime, if it did happen it would be years before it would. To sum it up, we aren't looking at spliting up. We have talked about it and its nopt something we want. We want to work through things issues we have. We have a great friendship together and are able to talk about any thing to together. Thats something neither of us has had before. I consider her my best friend and girlfriend.

[Jennifer]

that is wonderful and as you know with each relationship comes challenges and excitment. The fact that you both do the same thing is a hard one to work on. On occassion, I have had couples come up with a code word and if one person is doing the thing that is causing harm in the relationship, the other person can use the code word to stop it but in your case I'm not sure that you realize that you are doing it until it is too late. How much does it really effect your relationship? Could it be your issue and leave it at that, how would you suggest to change the dynamic of your relationship? Have you two considered counseling as a couple?

[Scott30]

This issue does effect our relationship quitr a bit. I dont understand your line, "Could it be your issue and leave it at that, how would you suggest to change the dynamic of your relationship?" We have talked about couples counseling but with us both being single and full time parents, time and funds are in short supply. Do you have any more suggestions on what we could try or talk about to better understand this issue. I know its not something that will be easily overcome but I'm not sure where to go from here.

[Jennifer]

I asked you to give suggestions on how to change the dynamic of your relationship. I find that when I suggest ideas, they don't work as well as if you suggest ideas so what can you both do to change this. Sounds as if it is affecting you a lot. What I meant about "it could be your issue" is that all couples have issues, there is no couple out there that is issue free and it sounds as if the rest of your relationship is working well except for the defensive/shut down when there is a problem. You both need to learn how to fight fair, keep things in the present and talk,talk,talk in order to learn from each instance how to not doing it again.