New Here... Marriage Issues

[Berrybug]

I'm new here, and I hope someone can give me some insight. I've been married for 15 years to a man who was emotionally and physically abused by his alcoholic mother. Obviously, he has baggage that he brought into our relationship.

Recently he's started drinking himself. Twice he has gotten drunk and yelled at me, making accusations that I am not loyal to him (he believes that I will always choose my family over him for some reason) and just generally cutting me down. It hurt. Imagine that!

Religion is a huge issue in our relationship and he is pressuring me heavily to convert to his denomination. It's become such an issue that I no longer enjoy spending time with him, yet he can't seem to get the message to back off, even though I've asked him to several times. He acts as if I am the one with the problem because I won't heed his words.

~sigh~

There's sooooo much more, but I don't want to bore anyone with a novel on my first post. Hope someone can help. TIA

[Jennifer]

Hello:
How have you handled the mother/religion in the past? Is this the first episode of drinking/behavior that you do not like? Do you have children? Does he still have a relationship with his family?

No worries about pouring it all out, that is what we are here for

[Berrybug]

He's had a love/hate relationship with his mother (who passed away last June). She had hated me since day 1 because she was very controlling and didn't want anyone else having any sway over him. He always backed me up and never chose her over me, and I am grateful for that.

Oftentimes we avoided seeing/speaking to her for months on end because of her bad behavior. She was very critical when we visited, and though I never wanted to go, he felt obligated and was very good at guilting me into going along. ("Poor old woman all alone, and you can't even visit her!")

He has used alcohol since he was young, even before I knew him, but just since his mother passed has he been verbally aggressive towards me. He justifies it, of course, and even denies that he was drunk either time. I was brought up in a very passive family, and his tirades are more than a little unsettling for me. He finds them normal, and believes that my role as his wife is to listen to his tirades (even if the barbed remarks are for/about me or my family) and support him.

We have been married 15 years, since I was 18, and have four beautiful children together. Our son is autistic (though very high functioning and amazingly intelligent) and I sometimes wonder if hubby isn't on the spectrum too. He's very obsessed with religion and it has become a major problem.

[Berrybug]

Oh, and not really on the relationship with his family. His parents are both deceased, and his only sister lives 4 hours away and is 20 years his senior. He calls her every now and again, but most of the time is angry at her because she didn't help him when he was a child and being abused.

When I have reservations about spending time with her (once every two years or so) he gets angry with me and tells me I'm trying to keep him from his family. I don't care if he visits her.. I just don't want to go along. Four hours one way with four kids and gas as high as it is is ludicrous. Especially since she is far wealthier than we are and travels the world, yet finds no time to visit us.

There are so many issues... I could write a book!

[Jennifer]

Talk about the religion.

[Berrybug]

Where to start...

I was raised in a strict conservative fundamentalist church. I never recall enjoying it, not even once. It was the sort of place that you showed up for every service, no matter if they were daily sometimes, or someone would be checking up on you. Children were elbowed sharply for yawning. I had to take notes of the sermon if I sat with friends to be sure I paid proper attention.

When I was a teenager, I rebelled, as most teens do, though I never got into drugs, drinking or smoking. I never slept around or partied either. I was very mild, in my eyes. I skipped school once though and was told that I needed to pray for my salvation.

I have been affected by this overbearing approach, and church is not something that I like to partake in. However, the guilt is with me daily, as I believe I'm supposed to be warming a pew on Sundays.

My husband was not raised in a church at all, and only converted after we were married and I had begun going again after the birth of our first child. This was okay for a few years, then he decided that he needed to find the truth for himself (which I support) and not continue to attend with the family (that would be my entire family, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins...all in one church).

It was ugly, as the kids and I left with him. Questions were raised about his sanity (from my family) and notes were left in our car regarding the status of our salvation. It was a horrible ordeal, though my family has since accepted that we will not attend with them and no one speaks about religion.

Fast forward to now... Hubby is immersed in his theology. He owns more books than the town library and spends every spare moment either reading them or listening to some sort of religious radio program. Yes, this irritates me, though I have no right to be irritated by those simple things.

What's getting my goat is his need to "get into my head" and make me see that by not going I am resisting the Spirit and damning myself. He cannot leave me alone regarding religion. He questions why I think what I do, and wants me to defend myself via scripture. I already feel inept in this arena because I do not read and study like he does, so I am ill prepared to debate. And honestly, I just really don't want to.

I am antagonistic towards him now... he takes the kids with him because I don't go anywhere anymore, and I don't like where he takes them. He is correct that I am not willing to go somewhere myself, so they have to go with him if we want them to have a religious background, so I should keep my opinions to myself.

Recently he told me that he was going to step down as elder and teacher at his church because he is tired of the stress it causes in our household. I don't think that's the real reason.... I believe he's telling me this because I know that he was abused as a child and that he gets self worth from performing these tasks.. and because of me he is losing something important. A guilt trip of sorts.

I know I've left a lot of it out.... there's just so much. The thing is, there *IS* stress in the relationship because of his immersion in church. And yes, he's right when he says that because I hate church, I will associate him with it eventually and hate him. I don't want to. I really don't.

I just want him to leave me alone. Stop asking me religious questions. Stop trying to pressure me to convert. Stop making our 11 year old watch hour long videos about confirmation. (There are 15 of those!!!)

[Jennifer]

Sounds like your husband turned into your church. Bothering you about it. How does your family feel about church. Did you marry your father?

[Berrybug]

My family believes that anyone who doesn't go to their particular denomination is hellbound. That includes me, my husband, and our children. We don't discuss church because it's too touchy of a topic, but I know exactly what they think about it.

My husband is nothing at all like my father. My dad is easy-going, doesn't drink, never curses... my husband is high maintenance, drinks, curses, flies off the handle, and is very controlling.

His anger used to be aimed at his parents. Before we married... Then it all became aimed at me. He has said himself that he thought religion would take care of all his problems, yet it hasn't. Maybe now he thinks that forcing his religion on ME will take care of all his problems. But only HE can take care of his problems, and they are his responsibility, not mine, though Lord knows I've done enough listening and talking.

I just cannot get him to understand that every single time he starts in about faith and religion, he drives a wedge that much deeper between us. And when I try to make him see that, he hangs his head and talks about how he should just give up religion completely, because it just ruins lives. The typical guilt trip, since I know he finds great joy in his reading and studying.

His mother was the master manipulator and I feel as if her son learned all her tricks and is using them on me.

[Jennifer]

I think your words and their meanings are different. You say that you want him to leave you alone about the religion, but when he offers to give it up, you say no way. It sounds like he recongizes that the differences in your thinking IS driving a wedge between you two and that he wants to try.

I could be off base with that comment though and you know him much better than I. What is it that you want from him. Sounds like he has been this way your whole marrige and now you cannot stand it any more. People do not change and the older you get, the harder it is to change.

There is a big fallacy about therapy whereas people believe that they can go to therapy and their problems will go away. In reality, it takes change for change to occur. And the only one that can change is yourself. When did you start to feel such animosity towards your husband and why?

[Berrybug]

I don't want him to give it up because I know he loves it and I would feel responsible for taking away his happiness. And I know he would resent me. I wish he would quit trying to get me to see his way as the right way. In that, I want him to leave me alone.

I guess I have felt this way for a very long time. I was very young when we married and I was shocked when he turned his anger towards me. He has been painfully critical and controlling for years, though he has been less so in recent years. I suppose I have been conditioned to expect the worst from him and those are feelings that I cannot shake.

I don't expect counseling to solve all my problems. I expect it to give me fresh perspective. He tells me in one breath that everything wrong in our marriage is because of me, and in the next he says he's a pain to deal with and he knows it. I need someone else to tell me just how much of the problem is me, and I know some of it has to be because marriage is a two way street.

[Jennifer]

Why can you not change how you feel about him? Where is the resentment coming from?

[Berrybug]

I suppose it's coming from the fact that I know nothing will be different. He will continue to criticize me no matter how much he says he'll stop. And I feel as if there is a double standard in our relationship.

He is allowed to say that he cannot change, yet he laughs at me when I say the same for myself. My aversion to religion is causing him mental angst, yet his pressuring me is not causing me mental angst, or so he says. He is allowed to gripe about his job, yet when I complain about my own he reminds me that he works harder and longer... and when I talk about things from my past that were hurtful, he tells me that I have no right to be hurt when he was abused and his childhood was much, much worse.

I agree.. it was worse, but that does not make my hurts any less valid.

I feel as if it's all about him all the time and I am tired of the disrespect that he shows me. I don't yell at him, or point my finger in his face when we argue. I don't laugh in his face when he tries to make a point, yet he does this to me. I have recently begun using sarcasm, and I am ashamed of that, yet I feel as if I have to get through to him somehow and this is the only thing he responds to.

He believes that his methods of "communication" are normal (ie. getting drunk on occasion and yelling at me, or laughing at/discrediting me) and that I am just to soft and unrealistic. I feel hurt and threatened by the outbursts and I have come to dread them. I told him how I feel about his alcohol, but he insists he has no problem to speak of.

[Jennifer]

Saracasm is a result of bitterness and that can take a lot out of you. It sounds like you are burnt out of your relationship and nothing you say or do will make a difference. Is that correct? Do you still love your husband? Does he still love you? Do you still want to be with him?

[Berrybug]

He still loves me, but sometimes he doesn't show it so well. I understand why he is the way he is. He was terribly abused as a child by his alcoholic mother, and he still has issues with that, but it doesn't change the fact that some of the things he says and does hurts me deeply.

I still love him too... and when we have a normal evening together I remember that. So much junk has gotten in the way though, and I don't know if it can be fixed. There is tension between us that used to never be there. Things really changed when we got married.

Sometimes I cannot see myself growing old with him. Sometimes I daydream about getting out from under his thumb and being able to enjoy life. I don't think I ask for anything outlandish. I just want peace and stability. I don't want anger and drama anymore. I just don't know if he can give me that, and it makes me very sad.

[Jennifer]

I agree with your last statement that "I don't know if he can give me that" You have someone that has not dealt with his issues and it seems like since his mom has passed away they have gotten worse. You are right that love is not the only thing that will make this work. You both have to put forth effort.

Is seperation or divorce even an option for you? Or is it just something you think about?