My husband thinks I'm manipulating him :(

[jessicabella]

I am so distraught... I know it's Christmastime and everyone is probably so busy, but please reply as soon as you can; I want to have a more productive way to handle this type of situation in the future, and I want to know what I should do about this one, now.

my husband and I have a 13 month old son and we don't agree on how to put him to sleep. I tried my way for 4 months and then found out that my husband was uncomfortable with it. so we decided that he would be in charge. Tonight, he let our son cry for 10 minutes and I don't think that's the best approach and it bothers me to hear our son cry alone for a long time. I think it is destructive. I shared with my husband a bit of how I felt and he became SURE I was manipulating him; trying to make him feel guilty for not doing it my way. I wanted him to take my thoughts into consideration, but we had made a deal that he was in charge, so I wanted him to make the decision, take my opinion or leave it. He had said before that us working separately without sharing our opinions was no way to raise a family. I remembered that and because of that, I shared my opinion with him. He screamed at me for a few minutes about how he wants me to shut up and stop lying. I am not manipulating him; he is in charge of this situation and he is making the decision. I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty, but I wasn't hiding my emotions. Just because I have emotions and an opinion about this situation doesn't mean I want him to do what I would do. I honestly wanted him to make the decision. I didn't want to manipulate him. but he will not believe me. So now I am afraid he is going to think of me in untrue terms from now on--he is going to see me for someone I'm not: a manipulating person who doesn't respect him. But i can't force him to believe me, but how can I live with knowing that he thinks I am some horrible person that I'm not?

In short, I think that to manipulate someone you have to want them to do what you want; how can it be manipulating when you want them to make their own decision? I want him to make his own decision; I was just telling him what I thought for him to take into consideration and to take it or leave it. I would have been fine with him choosing to leave it. I, of course can't force him to believe me; I don't even want to. But what can I do in the future to help him to see that I am not manipulating him? It really hurts him when he is manipulated--that's why he reacted the way he did. His mother abused and manipulated him and it seems like he expects me to do the same thing and doesn't let me be a different person than his mom was.

[Jennifer]

Well there are a couple of issues here that you and your husband need to resolve and it all relates to your opinions. Are you able to agree in other aspects of your life besides your son? How old is your son?

In this situation, I have to agree with your husband, call it what you want, but you let him have the lead, knew what he was going to do and were not okay with it. A more productive way to deal with it would have been after the night to talk about how uncomfortable it makes you feel to hear your son cry.

Bottom line is that you are going to have to let your son cry eventually to let him sleep through the night and you and your husband will need to learn how to communicate about how to raise your son with both of your opinions in mind.

[jessicabella]

Thank you :) I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me so quickly!
I'm glad you had the boldness to tell me you think I'm wrong. I would like to completely understand what makes it manipulation--I honestly have negative emotions toward the method my husband chooses to use (even though I won't force him to abandon those methods). Is the only way to avoid manipulation to hide those feelings since I did decide to let him be completely in charge of this? Or should I find a way to let those feelings go instead of hiding them?
Our son is 13 months old. We are able to agree on some things--we are both very strong-minded people and come from very different backgrounds so although we have the same principles, we disagree on how we apply those principles.

By the way, my husband went for a drive last night after the "explosion," and when he came home a couple of hours later we just hugged for a long time and then he's acted mostly normal since then. A pretty nice ending to the evening.

[Jennifer]

Hey
It is going to be a give and take with what you feel and what he feels. You should be thankful that he wants to be so involved that you are fighting. Bottom line is that if you tell him he is in charge then he is in charge and no matter how much it bothers you and if it bothers you too much, then you need to find a way to compromise.