Mother's Demands - Rational? Is it me?

[ArtVandelay]

I am married to my wife for 8 years - happily and with good communication between us. We have 2 kids - both boys - 1 4 1/2 the other just 6 weeks.

I have had issues with my mother-in-law since I've known her - she meddles in affairs that she shouldn't and it's taken a long time to get my wife to stop worrying what her mother will think about every decision we faced together. However, she still drives me crazy but, for the sake of our marriage, I put on a happy face and tolerate her.

My wife's side of the family has, as long as I've known them, celebrated the major holidays with dinners at home. My parents were always invited.

My family, on the other hand, has never done that - we even used to go out to eat for Thanksgiving. Since the marriage, my mother has done a couple of Thanksgiving dinners with my wife's side invited and in attendance.

However, my mother has similar issues with my mother-in-law as I do. However, she doesn't believe she needs to tolerate her or put on the happy face anymore. In fact, she believes that we are now obligated to spend 3 holidays at her house INSTEAD of my in-laws'. So now, for the first time in my life, my mother is doing Rosh Hashanah and Passover dinners. We have told her we will make sure we can go - obviously to keep the peace with my family.

So Rosh Hashanah is now a few weeks away and my mother wanted to know which night we could come over for the dinner. We told her we needed to check with my wife's family to make sure there were no date restrictions on their side as we know we will also have a dinner with them.

This has my mother extremely angry with us. She believes that she only asks for 2 or 3 holidays per year and that we should give her first dibs on dates for those holidays. So now she is going to give us a single date and if that doesn't work for us then we shouldn't bother showing up.

My mother has severed relationships with most of her friends and even some family over one-time disagreements. She has threatened to cut us out before and is now doing so again.

I should also add that she has been extremely critical of the way my wife and I are raising our first born. She one time told my wife when the oldest was about to turn 4 that she has caused him real damage and that he is clearly fearful of us (doesn't seem to be the case to any of us).

Both my sister and I agree that my mother always is looking for things that she disagrees with so she can pull them out when she wants to be angry with us about something. To quote my mother - and this is word for word: "If you're not fighting, you're not alive."

So every day my wife and I are in a state of anxiety over what the next fight is going to be and this dinner is the new one and, as noted, my mother is willing to sever ties over a date.

I have given it a lot of thought and, as much as it might make my son unhappy and though I might live to regret it, the idea of my mother being out of my life feels like a light at the end of the tunnel and a great weight lifted off my shoulders. It seems horrible to say but it's where I'm at right now. So this appears to be a crossroads because I truly can't give a solid date yet.

The other thing in my mind is that, if my mother is so willing to sever ties because I won't give her a solid date, then how much does she actually fell love for me. My sister and I have also concluded that she pretty much only does things out of obligation so it sadly seems feasible that she doesn't know how to feel love.

I don't know. My stomach's in knots because I'm supposed to call her tomorrow and I really want to say, "Look, I just can't commit a date right now. If you can't be flexible enough to deal with that, then that's your choice. We still want to come to the dinner so I leave it up to you."

Then she would yell at me and after hanging up my father would call and lecture me about being a "man" and knowing what the right thing to do is.

If you got through that whole thing, I hope that there is some good advice or thoughts you can provide.

Every day for the past 4 1/2 years, I have lived with this

[Jennifer]

Hello:
sounds like your mom is the issue of the post not your mother-in-law. You have no control over what anyone else does except for yourself. Your mother is making unrealistic demands and it sounds like it is really upsetting you.

Do you think she is threating or really would cut you off? I know you said that you would be relieved, but would you be in the long run? What does your wife think?

[ArtVandelay]

The bigger issue is definitely with my mother - not "in-law". I do believe that if she doesn't get what she wants that she would cut-off ties until I crawled back with an admission of guilt and willingness to change to meet her demands.

I have told her point blank that I think her reasons for all this are purely vindictive and driven by her dislike of my in-laws but she claims it's more about "fairness".

As for this incident, it turned out that we could have the dinner at my parents house on the day she wanted and, when I told her that, she became a complete angel. So the pressure's off for the time being but I know something will come up again. My wife and I have no idea what the demands will be for Thanksgiving.

I do think I would be relieved in the short-term but I really can't predict the longer-term. My wife would like for our oldest son to still be able to see her because he does love her a lot (she brings him a present every week and lets him eat anything he wants) so she would like to keep some sort of relationship but I think my mother is incapable of having a relationship with people who don't meet her strict demands - which is why, I believe, she has very few friends.

[Jennifer]

Glad the storm has passed for now. Your wife and you both have good points, but the bottom line is that she is family and not a friend. If she was a friend this would not be an issue at all but for family we hold a higher tolerance level.

I think you and your wife should decide what you are doing for thanksgiving and let the familes know, take a proactive stance.

[ArtVandelay]

That's sort of what my wife wants to do. She has always had Thanksgiving with her parents on Thanksgiving and will not give that up so...either we will need to split up - her with her parents and me with mine (and I think the kids with her at least for this year) - or do it the day after with my family. Until this year, even if my parents made the Thanksgiving dinner, my wife's family was invited and in attendance.

I think, sometime later this month or next month, I will just have to talk to my parents and lay it on the line - especially since they are the ones who are breaking the relations with my in-laws - not the other way. I'll tell them that my wife intends to go to her parents on the day of the holiday and that the options for her are for me to see them by myself with no kids or for us all to come on the next day. And if that's the case, that's how it will be every year.

The reason for the last part of that last paragraph is that, last year, when all this first came up, my parents promised to always invite my in-laws and to attend the Thanksgiving dinner at their house. But something happened (they didn't tell me what) and now they will have nothing to do with my in-laws. I'm thinking that, since they are breaking the rules they they were demanding I live by, then they should be the ones to deal with the consequences.

[Jennifer]

Splitting up is not in you families best interest. Yes, laying it on the line is what needs to happen and the gulit will need to stay out of the conversation

[ArtVandelay]

Thank you for all the time on this. It feels good getting it off my chest and getting advise from an unbiased 3rd party.

[Jennifer]

No problem, you can tell from the other posts in here, that you are not alone with in parents/inlaw situation. Good luck with the holidays