Lost somewhere between here and there

[Farfalla]

I'm not sure where to start here as there is so much.... am just looking for someone to talk to about my situation.

I seem to have lost myself along the way and am not sure how to get back on track.

I remarried in 2000. I have one son who is now 20. He had custody of his two younger children. They are now 19 and 21. We have lived together since marrying in 2000. We raised our 3 children together.

My step children's mother has walked out on them about a year before I met my now husband. She seldom saw her children. From 2000 until they graduated from high school they spent about 2 weeks a year with her. So basically we raised them.

The stress over these years has been terrible as my step children were angry at their mother and they resented me for 'taking her place.' I don't want to go into too much detail right now because it will make this too long and bombard you, but basically we have dealt with all of the predictable problems of lost children... suicidal behavior, cutting, drugs, running away, sexual acting out, criminal behavior and on and on.

Through all of this.... my husband lost his job in 2002 due to the financial crisis caused by 9/11. He's never been able to get a permanent job since. He's worked a contract or two each year. We started a business doing web development (his forte) but we have lost all of our contracts now due to the current financial crisis.

The one good thing is that I have had a good job through all of this so at least we have a roof over our heads. Though our finances are not good.. we have gone through our savings waiting for him to get his act together with a job... we need to sell our house as I can no longer make the mortgage payments on my income.

With that background.. … Today I have children that I am having to kick out of my house... my step son for stealing from me, lying, drinking excessively, refusing to get a job and drug trafficking. My step daughter for drug use and the scary people she brings around.


My son is still with us. He is in college getting a degree in physics. At 20 he's a freshman. He took a couple of years off after high school to work. Now, after working as a bank teller for several years he understands the wisdom of getting a college degree. I want to work with him in every way to get him through college.

My husband spends almost every waking hour of his day in his office. We had converted our third garage by into a very nice office for him. He sits out there playing computer games, surfing the internet and writing a book. Actually this is what he’s done for most of the years since he lost his job in 2002.

IN recent months I’ve been able to get him to participate a bit more in the house. He takes care of our dogs (but will not walk them); he does the dishes once or twice a week and cooks dinner a couple of times a week. He wakes up at 7 am because our dogs make him get up… he goes to his office. When I come home from work he might come out for a few minutes to say hi to me. Then he goes back to his office where he stays until midnight or 1 am when he comes to bed.

As you can see my life is in shambles and I have no idea where to get back on track.

[Jennifer]

This might be ovious to you, but it is not to me. what would your life look like back on track. do you mean your life or your husband's life?

As far as the step children go, sorry to heat that, but sounds as if you are taking care of the problem and it is something that cannot be worked on at this time.

Good for your son for making his way in the world and learning the value of life and good for you for teaching him that.

[Farfalla]

Jennifer,

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m at a point where I am frozen and need some help just to make the first move.

[jojo]

Thank you for your post and empathy, as well as your input from the quran. there is an email address on my name through which you may contact me regarding poly marriage.

[Jennifer]

Nice list! Since you have last posted, how are you doing on your list? I agree that your husband is out of your control but I do see a lot that if you make changes, changes happen around you, it is called the "ripple affect"

I think that all of those things on your list will make you feel whole again. Where do you want to start?

[Farfalla]

[Jennifer]

honestly, you are doing it yourself, just listening to you. glad to hear that easter was good for everyone involved and yes, your step son made a choice, not one that he probably even knows how much it will affect him, but a choice non the less so he will learn from it regardless.

i'm glad that you brought up mini goals. goals are only as good as you doing them. if you try to do too much you get yourself dissapointed.

as far as dieting goes, don't believe in that concept, it is more about healthy eating, healthy lifestyle, the bike is a great idea watching the cutie mark hammon (think that is his name) on your favorite show.

The problem with dieting is when you deprive your body of something, it craves it and almost gets mad at you and wants to defy you in getting it

a good mix of protein, carbs (good carbs), fruits veggies and the occasional slip is better than starving yourself. drinking lots of water is crucial and eating 6 small meals is even better throughout the day than 3 big ones. its okay to eat, just what you eat. the richer the color the food is the better it is for you.

[Farfalla]

[Jennifer]

you are motivated and eager to do it, as you get older, your body doesn't need as much food because your metabilism slows down and you need to mix it up, keep up the exercising and mix it up abit. even on the bike, go slow then fast, your body needs intervals, if you walk, then walk really slow, then pick up the pace, its great to mix it up a bit. keep up the great work