Is this TOO complicated?

[kimberkitten]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. Every so often he goes through periods where he's depressed, unhappy with whatever, and I get to take the brunt of it. I can intellectuallize that the underlying problem is not mine; but the backlash comes out with displeasure towards me. All of a sudden there are issues with me. I am too demanding. I need too much reassurance. I am too needy. I am moving too fast. Whatever. Even if three days before he's in my arms tellng me that he wants to put a ring on my finger and move into a home together, if this is where he is emotionally, then I am :::fill in the blank::: if I move along those lines.

I get accused of being jealous of his friends. These are people that he has, at one point or another, has said have made disparaging remarks about me. His friends have told me that he has made disparaging remarks about me, as well. So, when he tells me that he wants to be around these people I get confused, ask about it, and then an argument ensues with ME being accused of being in the wrong.

I actually do not care that he goes out and sees his friends. What I do mind is that once he goes out, he seems to drink way too much, goes from place to place, and makes decisions that probably would be best made sober. Like getting tattoos or spending money online. I do not think it's responsible to spend 8 hours in a bar, be it one bar or three. I certainly do not think it's responsible to drive after that. Not that I haven't made my own share of mistakes in life. But, when meeting up with friends means 8-9 hours in a bar...

He can also seem to show physical affection to his dogs, but not to me. It's not very often that he will hold me ot cuddle with me, but the dogs get a ridiculous amout of cuddles and love and kisses. They are held all night long, and on the couch... But if I'm having a bad day, or a crisis, and I need to be held or reassurance, he will tell me he's not that kind of person and can't do it. I look at his behavior, and I feel like he just can't do it for ME.

I pay for almost all of the groceries, even though we live in separate households. I usually do the driving. I pay for the meals and drinks when we eat out about 90% of the time. I just gave him $2000 for a dog. He asks to use my paypal account for ebay stuff and never pays it back. he has charged almost 200 for jeans to Abercrombie to my bank account and never offered to pay it back. Asked me to pick up over a hundred dollars in prescriptions and never offered to pay it back. But when there's something small and he goes to hand me a twenty and I shrug it off, because at that point---what's the point???--- HE get's offended!! Well, I just had my car need major transmission work and several other repairs that I couldn't afford, and no offer of any help at all. But he is driving me to work, although his attitude is not a gracious one, even though I drove him around for months when his foot was broken. It's crappy. But when I offer to get a cab, I get attitude, too. I don't know the right thing to do! But it's always wrong!

I know right now he's got an issue with his weight, and he's taking meds for it, and he's on a diet. I've been super supportive and making special meals and counting his calories. I won't drink beer if he's not so he won't feel bad, etc. I won't eat foods he can't in front of him, etc... so I understand that he's going through a hard time. He's also been sick and not feeling well. He's had mono, but he's not so sick that he can't do what he WANT's to do, ya know?? I feel terrible typing that, but it's true. He's also a transgender Female to Male. So, he's got some hormonal issues. It's difficult living in the wrong skin and there are issues being on Testosterone therapy, and I try and be supportive of that. We are not a "normal" couple. No matter what he wants to think. (And sex is a WHOLE other issue....)

There are days when I ask myself WHY am I with him? WHY do I put up with this? WHY WHY WHY?? I have a good job, I have two beautiful kids (who do not know he wasn't born a he), I have my life together, I am fit, attractive, most people love to be around me... so why do I put up with this? Because I love him. And when I think of ending it, my heart breaks.

But is that what I need? I have no idea what to do.

[Jennifer]

you tell me, why are you with him??

[kimberkitten]

why am I with him... I love him. He is funny. He is so good to his friends and elderly people. We share a love of gardening. I admire the courage it took for him to accept and make the changes that needed to be made within his body to match his mind and soul.

But I thought when I got involved with him that the person I saw would be the person I would date. I am not dating the "friend", "neighbor", "son". The person I am dating is someone altogether.

Here is where the problem lies. I treat others as I want to be treated. I love him as I want to be loved. I do the same thing with my friends and I usually end up just as disappointed. I cannot comprehend how you can treat somone so well and be treated poorly in return. I am not unkind to him. I am dependable and giving, but in return... not so much.

But I see what he is capable of, and I love that person.

[Jennifer]

unfortunately we don't get to see potential and date that person you are dating a person that has flaws and you need to be okay with the person he is not who he could be.

[kimberkitten]

flawed I'm ok with. I'm flawed. I have bad days. I don't always react as well as I could. I don't even pretend to be perfect.

I guess what I'm asking is, is there something wrong with me for allowing myself to be treated like this? Is it just a bad relationship? Is this what all relationships are like? Do I just need to work on myself more? Does everyone belong in therapy? I feel like a generally happy, well adjusted person with pretty much all of my stuff together (I get to work every day, my kids get to school. Bills are paid, everyone's fed. We're all basically happy and active). My relationship kinda stinks right now and I'm having a difficult time working that portion out in my head as to what to do, but for the most part life is good.

Yet, when I have an issue to bring up with the bf, he tells me that I need therapy.

[Jennifer]

no of course you don't deserve to be treated that way. the fact that you are questioning who you are means he has done a number on your self esteem.

no all relationships are not bad and when your in a relationship and you have to make excuses for that person then its time to examine what is going on.

therapy is wonderful to gain insight into who you are what type of people you go for, don't view it as a negative.

bottom line is that you can talk to him, enter therapy with him but if he doesn't see a problem then yu are stuck with a decision