Is there any point in trying to save this?

[ksmith71]

My current B/F and I have been together for about 10 years. We had a small time several years ago when I kicked him out and we were seperated for about a year. I feel like I am at the end of my rope and am left wondering why it took so long for me to get here. I must be seriously co-dependant.

Here is our current situation. We are living together.

He doesn't have reliable work. He has pretty much been unemployed since 2004. He has had several jobs that might have lasted 2-3 months, long enough for him to get fired. He had one job that last a year and he was actually making very good money but he got layed off through the temp agency. He is a DJ and is trying to rely on that for income, they don't book him very much because he is just a jerk most of the time and treats people pretty poorly. He doesn't have a Driver's license. Lost that due to stupidity many years ago and let the fines get so high now he can't pay them and I have no idea when he'll ever be in a situation to do so. He lies to me contantly and I catch him in them all. He spend more money then we have most of the time and refuses to give up anything. He is the most selfish person I have ever known. His most recent mess up, he sold my grandmothers (who is passed) 100 year old ring. I only had 2 items from her and that was one of them. I caught him because he sold the gold but kept the stone and I found it in the washer. I confronted him on it and all he wants to do is turn it around on me.

For the past many years I have felt trapped and haven't been able to figure out how to get out. Now I am very trapped, more than ever before. I have a 10 month old son who he takes care of during the day while I work. I pay ALL of our bills and can not afford day care. I make too much money to qualify for assistance. I have reduced our expenses as much as I can at this point and have no where else with our bills to reduce.

I have begged him to get a job but he comes at me with hundreds of excuses. No DL, poor work history, no good references, bad credit, no car, criminal past. I understand those things make it hard but they don't make it impossible. I told him of a job a friend of mine has and said they would hire him making decent money and he threw a fit because it is construction work and he doesn't want to be out in the hot sun or the cold in the winter.

Meanwhile, I need to go to the dentist, I need new glasses badly, my son needs things and we suffer while he just gets to do whatever he wants.

I am very angry at him right now and I know I am making him sound like a monster. He is not. He has been (in the past) a very loving and caring B/F. He has recently told me since he got out of the military he has been depressed and not known what to do with his life and needs therapy. He has an appt. with the VA but I am just wondering if it is worth waiting it out to see if they can help him. He is the most irresponsible person I have ever known. When he got out of the military he went through a long drug phase. I would get him off of one drug and he would find a new one. It took about 3 years for me to get him clean. He has been clean for about 3 years and he just has no motivation to do anything. He has no goals in life.

Please give me some solid advice. I really am at the end of my rope but at this point I am not sure what to do. Our son is VERY attached to him and if I kick him out he'll have to move out of state and I know he'll never see his son again if that happens. He'll have to go live with his mom and she is as unhealthy as he is almost so he'll never help himself if he is with her.

Thank you...any advice with be taken to heart and very appreciated.

[Jennifer]

Well I made up my decision when you said he sold your grandmother's ring, but I'm not you and I'm not in love with him which would be the only reason that you are with him at this point. If you support the two of you and he takes care of your son, then I'm sure you can swing daycare or find some sort of alternative to that, so money should not be the issue.

The question really is what is keeping you with him and would you be better off without him? How is he around your son? You say your son so is it his son too?

Based on everything you wrote, what would you tell yourself to do?

[ksmith71]

He is our son and he is great with our son. He is a very good dad. As for being in love with him. At this point I really feel like it is more co-dependacy then anything.

I do support us but there is no money left for anything else after the bills are paid. My son is taken care of cause he is our #1 priority. However, we eat Ramen, and Pasta most of the time and don't eat out at all. He is ok with this life. I am not. I want to save for retirement, college for our son, for an emergency fund, getting my teeth fixed, getting new glasses to see with and making sure we will be ok if something happens. Those things are not important to him. He is happy right where we are.

When we moved here most of our stuff was damaged or destoyed in the moving truck. We have been here a little over 3 years and still don't have living room furniture really. I have a great job and we could have all of these things (especially retirement and college fund for our son) if he would just get a normal day job with a steady pay check.

My grandmothers ring was the kicker to all of this but it made me think of all of the messed up irresponsible things he has done over the last 6-7 years. There are way too many to list but none of them are good and most people would not have stayed with him after the first. I thought back then it was because I loved him but now I know it is co-dependancy or something else like that. I just don't know how to get out now. I thought of a second job but I am on salary where I currently work and work anywhere between 60-80 hrs a week. I don't get to see my son much as it is and it kills me but I do it to provide for him. I just don't know where I would fit another job in.

I know I just need to end it I just don't know how to do it and still be ok and not lose my house. I have no one to ask for help.

[Jennifer]

What is your understanding of co-dependency just so I know what you mean. He is your b/f not your husband so that is great news that you won't have to pay him alimony. I don't think you working more is the solve to your problem nor is keep on asking him to get a job. You will either have to accept him for the good that he does, or find the strenth to leave. It will not be easy, never is, but will you and your son be better off in the long run without him?