Is it Emotional Abuse...

EmotionalWreck · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 8 Location: Long Island

[b][color=red][/color] Everyone in my life is telling me to get out of this relationship. Im 24 with a 4 1/2 yr old son, dating a 47 yr old with a 17yr old daughter. We were only together for 5months when we got pregnant, which im at the end of the pregnancy now ready to go tonight till just a few weeks away. We moved in together when we found out about the pregnancy. It has been hell since now, which is since Oct. He is not the man I met. He is controlling, insesitive and as my family and friends put, emotionally abusive. Since October I've spent every holiday crying myself to sleep, dealing with a high risk pregnancy on my own. Working a full time job to come home and slave to him and his 17yr old that does not like me or want me in his life and makes that quiet clear. He does'nt stand up for me, he doesnt help me, he blames me for everything, and argues with me in front of my son... who now says mommy why does he hurt you. But I love him. Why? I ask myself all the time. But Im pregnant with his child and I feel like I can't leave. I feel like when this baby is born maybe he'll change back to that man I fell in love with. And maybe in 4 months when his daughter leaves the house and goes to college things will change. I keep holding onto hope, but am I wasting my time?? Can people change?? is it his age, is it me? Is it the pregnancy? What the hell happened to the man I met? Im so confused, he kicks me out everyother day then claims he says it out of anger... its all about him and his daughter... she can never do wrong! (according to him) theres so many issues but i want to know why do i stay? how do I leave without feeling guilty? I can't answer any questions i ask myself... i just dont know anymore![/b]

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you have to remember that you are an emotional wreck right now. If he was okay before the pregnancy than it might be safe to say that your hormones and his personality have clashed through out the pregnancy. Men in general do not know how to deal with emotions and put a pregnancy in the mix and it is no fault on either of your parts.

My opinion, have a healthy baby and focus on how excited you will be as a parent, the rest will fall into place.

EmotionalWreck · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 8 Location: Long Island

things were wonderful before the pregnancy, thats because we didnt live together, his daughter and my son was'nt apart of our dating... now we are all under the same roof and its hell...

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

blended families, they are tough. have you all tried sitting down and talking as a family. how much have you and your husband tried to blend the families together.

dating and living apart is a world of difference than being married and living together. there is no escape so to speak. if you are committed to making this work, then you both need to work on it and make compromises changes to the relationship.

EmotionalWreck · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 8 Location: Long Island

thats the problem... he does'nt know compromise.. he says that he does'nt need to change who he is. I tried explaining to him that him and I are'nt changing its adjusting to eachothers living and compromise. And the other problem is we all have not sat down and talked because his daughter wants no part of me and does not want to talk to me and he lets her act this way. In his eyes she is doing nothing wrong. He says he's not forcing her to be a family or be apart of us and her soon to be half brother. He let's his daughter run his life. She is a good kid and has a lot going for her.. but she lacks respect, courtesy, care and common sense. This is why I feel like things won't change. I have adjusted to her needs and wants and dislikes/likes. But they dont respect little things i ask for.. which are simple... appreciation and respect. Thats all I want. But I feel like its her and his world. The two of them run this household and my son and I are behind them following there ways. I'll cook dinner for the four of us... and another night he'll go to the store and cook just enough portion food for him and her only. I feel like at times I am wrong like he says... and at times I see how controlling he is. It's his world, his ways, rules apply for me and my son not him and his daughter. I want to leave.... tried many times, I love him and dont know why. But being pregnant is what is holding me here.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

yes, being pregnant can hold someone in place and it would be hard for you to make the changes that you are requesting. congrats on the pregnancy by the way. How does your son handle all of this, is he okay? I guess it would be pointless for you to say that you are going to leave because ideal threats do not work unless they are followed up on.

If you are unhappy and he cares about you, then he needs to listen to you. He is right that he cannot change, change doesn't occur and it is a negative word in my opinion, but the word compromise can be used and if he is not open to compromise than you have yourself a real problem and you need to ask yourself if you are willing to bring another child into this household

EmotionalWreck · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 8 Location: Long Island

My son is 4 1/2 and he plays with John for the most part. But he also see's what this does to me, which is more of my fault because I can't hide my emotions anymore. He hears how John talks to me and my son started packing his backpack one night because he overheard John tell me to get out of the house once again. My son goes back to his father and tells his father that John hurt mommy again this week she cried every night. I feel bad, my son does'nt need to see or hear this. And I don't want to bring another child up in this enviroment. Especially considering he show's its a life of just him and his daughter, he won't make room for me or my son, whose to say he'll make room for this baby. I'm due anyday now, and he's taking his daughter upstate for the weekend. Who in their right mind would take a chance of not being there for the birth? This is why I feel like he does'nt care. He does'nt want me, my son or his soon to be son. I feel like were just a burden and he's taking care of responsibility and doing whats right. But his hearts not into it. I want to leave, I really do. But guilt will eat me alive if I leave. I left my sons father when he was 2yrs old and I still have the guilt on my shoulders that because things were bad in our relationship I made the move to leave though and I seperated the family. And now I feel like I'll have the guilt of this newborn not having his mommy and daddy together. I feel like maybe John really does love me and wants to make this family work and if I leave I'll never know. But I held out for so long now, and things just get worse and worse. He threatens me if I leave theres no comming back, and that he will contact his lawyer and take the baby from me. Im scared to leave for many reasons.... I just want to be kidknapped so I can't be blamed for leaving. Where do I go from here? Oh and I'm not sure if I meantioned, Im 24, John's 47, his daughters 17 and my son is 4 1/2. Age plays a big part in this. He treats me like im his daughter at times and compares the two of us. It disgusts me till no end. Please help me understand how to do what needs to be done.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

your right, your son should not be involved in this. You two are the adults and he is the child and sometimes children take on adult resonsiblity because the adults are not.

It sounds to me as if you would be doing a favor for your children by being independent and working on yourself.

You need to protect your children at all costs, they cannot protect themselves.

EmotionalWreck · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 8 Location: Long Island

true, i agree... but easier said then done. Children don't understand why your leaving, why your pulling them out of the house for the reasons of protecting them. They just blame u for seperating them from the other parent. Emotionally it's hard. But thank you for your advice and quick response's it's good to know someone in the world can take a minute out to say a sentence or two and have the feeling that someone is listening, not pretending to listen.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

no problem, i am talking about your son knowing about your problems now and how it sounds as if he is trying to protect you in your current relationship.

he shouldn't have to worry about such thing and just be a kid, i'm sure he has enough to worry about. is he excited to be a big brother?

EmotionalWreck · Joined: 06 Mar 2009 Posts: 8 Location: Long Island

in the beginning it was hard for him to move into a new house with john and his daughter... we tried to make him apart of the house hunting with us. my son has'nt seen me date anyone except his father so it was hard to see me with john then all of us move and he adjusted. In the beginning of the pregnancy he was excited then when he started to see sonograms and buying baby stuff he got jealous, now that I'm at the end of the pregnancy and he see's my belly and i involve him by letting him draw the babys name on my belly or putting belly tattoos on he is more understanding. He keeps asking me when his brother is going to come out and he'll kiss my belly now. But it was a hard adjustment for him. He's to smart when it comes to adult things. He's only 4 1/2 but he sure understands more then we know.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

sounds as if you are doing the right things by him and sounds as if he will be a great big brother. either things will get better after the baby is born or worse, that will remain to be seen and you will have to deal with it at that time.

now, enjoy being pregnant and save your energy because sounds as if you are going to be busy/tired/all the other things for a while.