Inability to move on

[coffee_chick]

I can't believe it's been over a year since I posted here. The way the past year has been, I really should have been. It probably would have helped a great deal. Luckily I reconnected with a former best friend.

I feel like I've been in a year-long break up with my not-quite-boyfriend. We've gone back and forth, decided to be "just friends," friends-with-benefits, and nothing at all. We argued a lot, tried to work on our problems, and fell back into the same problems. Recently, talking to my bff, I realized that I don't think I have any romantic feelings for him anymore. I have zero interest in sex with him and have only looked forward to seeing him as a friend. Hanging out, playing video games, etc. Also, in the almost 7 years we've been dating, there is no progress in the relationship. We do not live together and do not want to, the only discussion of marriage and kids and the like has been that he's not sure he ever wants any of that. We have less of a relationship than we did years ago.

Yet I haven't been able to end it.

We got into it again this weekend because he accused me of being a "tease" and then falling asleep. We decided to try "just friends," no sex, no expectation of it, just friends who have common interests spending time together. Eventually this discussion devolved into an argument and he said he didn't even want that. Or more accurately, that he didn't want the relationship to end but that he didn't see any other way. We went into a lot of the problems we both have with the relationship. All I had to do was agree that this is for the best. Because I honestly don't think we can be just friends. In the last year, I've started to notice that I find him kind of controlling and that he wants someone who'll take his advice, kind of like a father figure and I've moved to trying to be stronger, more independent.

So why am I arguing for not ending it? I know it's for the better and that I'm stagnant (in most areas of my life) and getting very little accomplished right now. And with all the reasons I know this should be over and that I even want this to be over, I can't let go. I know he'll call or text me tomorrow or the next day, and I'll be right there.

How do people make drastic changes? Why can't I, even when I know it's what needs to happen?

[Jennifer]

its comfortable and it has been going on for a long time and it is hard to end things when you think there is hope that things can get better. It takes a lot to just end something and be by yourself and I can tell you that if you are able to do it you will be a much better person for it because you made the decision on your own and you are independent to have a relationship with yourself so you can find the right person. I always believe that being by yourself is healthy in between break-ups. Its great that you have your bff to hang with but it sounds as if you need more in your life so you don't have to feel as if you need to keep on going back to the relationship.

[coffee_chick]

What's crazy is that no one seems to realize how healthy that time alone would be. My mom was trying to set me up with a guy she worked with for the longest time. Because he was "just so sweet." Until a coworker informed her that he's a bit of a player. I avoided her place of business just because I knew she would try to introduce us. They joked about it, calling each other "future mother/son-in-law." I've been trying to develop my own interests more even during the quasi-relationship we've had lately. I even started my own small crafting business with a few friends.

We just talked for a solid hour and a half. I had a terrible day at work, seriously considered handing in my notice. He texted me first, a joke about having to learn again all the things I usually do for him- trips to the store and stuff like that. He doesn't like to leave the house much unless it's to go out of town. He said if I needed to vent, we could talk. We did end up talking about us. He's actually being the stronger one about us not being together. It's hard because even through all of the problems, I still feel closer to him than anyone. He's been my best friend for almost 7 years. So while the logical part of me says that this should be it, the emotional part thinks of all of the good things I'll miss.

My girlfriend's not reachable right now. Maybe her phone's dead, maybe she's just laying low. Another reason it's hard to let go. The rest of my support system can be flaky at times.

I think again about leaving. When I went I my trip last summer (something that has caused the larger part of our problems), I seriously considered not coming back. I loved the town and probably could have gotter a better job there. But I did because I promised him I would, even if I couldn't give him a time frame, just "when I feel like I can handle it again." Also because my mom was taking it pretty hard, too. I still think of going back. I might plan a trip up there this winter just to see if I can handle the snow.

I don't know if our talk tonight made things better or worse or will just reinforce the situation. I don't know how I feel yet. I suppose time will tell.

[Jennifer]

yes time is a great healer in all things, which ever way it works out you need to do what you feel is right for you and what makes you happy.