I want another child but my husband isn't sure

[overwhelmed mom]

My husband and I have a very bright, wonderful 5 year old son. We told each other a few years ago that he'd be our only child, and we were both happy with that. However, some things have happened in my life lately that have led me to reconsider. My husband isn't as willing to think about having another child now, mainly because we both turn 40 this year. He worries about the baby having genetic problems, telling me he "doesn't think he could handle it." He also worries about things like paying for college for two kids as opposed to one, being 60 when our child is in college and not being able to retire early as we'd planned, and having 5-6 years in between our son and our next child, making them not as close as they could have been if they'd been born closer together. I myself am an only child, and I know there are good and bad parts to both situations. However, my mom went through some severe health problems earlier this year and is now living with us, as there is no one else to take care of her but me....I don't want my son to be in the same boat when we're older....I know there's no guarantee that that wouldn't happen if we had 2 kids instead of one, but I am afraid I'll regret just having one child when I'm older and always wonder. I don't know how to convince my husband that it's not as unsafe as he thinks and that we could work it out, that it would be a good thing and not bad to have a second child. Having a baby is really occupying my mind now and I feel like I'll be heartbroken if we can't.

[Jennifer]

Hey
I understand your and your husband's position, but I would warn you to take a look at why you have had a change of heart and ask yourself if it is emotional due to what is going on with your mom and yourself at this point.

Needless to say, if you and your husband do decide to have another child which many people are doing in their 40's then you both need to be on board and excited about this. Your reasons for having a child need to be about the child, not about what will happen when you get older and right now it might be hard to seperate the two.

Your husband's concerns are valid and I'm sure he had an expectation of what you two had planned and now you are changing the plan on him, so if this is really what you want, you need to get him on board and excited about this because you don't want this ruining your marriage and the family that you already have.

[overwhelmed mom]

Thanks Jennifer, you've given me a lot to think about. I have to seriously look at my own motives and decide whether or not it's just an emotional thing on my part, the desire to have another child all of a sudden...I've been thinking about this before all the things with Mom happened, for about the last year or so, but more so since March when she had her stroke/seizures and moved in with us. But I'm really happy with our son, too, we're very close and I hope will remain so as he gets older. I think that's another reason why I've been thinking more about having a child, since he's now 5 and doesn't need me as much, maybe it's just a thing about wanting to feel needed (which, I know, is definitely not a good reason to have a child). I also think about future years when he's doing "guy stuff" with his dad and friends, whether I'll feel left out, which is also not a good reason to have another child....Thanks for making me examine my reasons for this; I think I'll do that before trying to push any decision with my husband for something that may not be good for our family or our marriage.

[Jennifer]

sounds good, sometimes those fears that you just described will/won't happen, who knows maybe he will enjoy doing things with his mom too

Nothing wrong with desiring for another child I've just seen way too many couples have children for the wrong reasons and it is a big decision to make and should be thought about from all angels before making.

Did you have any trouble conceiving your son? Another factor to consider is if you will need fertility treatments this time around due to both of your ages. Yes, couples have children later but the fact remains that the equipment used to have those children are also older too.

[overwhelmed mom]

When we conceived our son, it only took a month and a half of trying (at age 34, as opposed to 40). My pregnancy was very healthy, no problems, in fact I never felt better in my life than when I was pregnant. And I'm trying to lose about 25 lbs now, (6 down so far) just to get back to a healthy weight, so that in case we decide to have another child, I'll be starting with a healthy body. Even if we decide not to, I'll be healthier which is always good.

[Jennifer]

yes, that does sound good! sometimes when you are more rational about things, your partner can sense it and be able to have a calm conversation about it. it sounds as if you two have a good relationship so you should be able to talk about this once you get it all figured out for yourself. Its amazing how tone of voice is sometimes the difference between a conversation and an argument.