I am so confused! I am going insane, please please help!

[chantilly]

I would like to thank you in advance for listening and helping as much as you can. Here is my story:

I have been married with my husband for 4years now. Everything was going well. Last year, one of my childhood's friend came to my city and we got closer than we ever did. I held her hand to help her throughout many things since she was new to the country. I was always there to help her when she needed it. She is also one and half younger than I am. She admired me as being so accomplished and she told me I was her model. She also admired my relationship with my husband. My husband is very hardworking so he is always out there working. I didn't go to school over the summer so I was always available for my grilfriend. We spent an unbelievable amount of time together. We got along pretty well. She found an apartment 10mins away from my house since it was convenient for her. I could give her a ride and we could spent time together and she could learn from me. She didn't have a car. She came to my school so I will pick her up in the morning and take her back and she would sometime spend the night a my place.
One day we stayed on the phone very late and she kept telling me how much she loved me and I said the same thing to her. I found out that I could not stay away from her anymore. But I didn't think any further. She said something that clicked in my head that night; she told me that she doesn't know where that love would take us and that I should promise her that we will always be together. I said ok. One day I was over at her house and we were playing in her bedroom like we always did and all of a sudden she was lying on top of me. She got closer to my face and it looked weird but oddly, I didn't see anything wrong with that as I would normally do. She asked me if she could kiss me and I agreed. I used to be very judgemental about same sex relationships. I never understood how it could happen. I hope not to offend anyone but I'll be honest. I don't know I agreed may be in my head somewhere I wanted it and I just decided not to act on those feelings I don't know. All I know is that it didn't sound odd. I didn't find it insane like I would normally think. Rather, I enjoyed every single bit of it. We even started touching each other and after we stopped, she apologized and asked me if I would ever forgive her and also if I had done that before. I got upset and I asked her why she would ask me such a question. She said she hopes I will forgive her and that I will not have a bad impression of her. I left her house that night reassuring her. I went home to my husband and I felt so gulity but I also experienced something that I never had experienced in my life. The next day, I decided to talk to her so I picked her up and we headed to school as usual. At school, I told her that it was ok that I wasn't mad and that we will get through this. I did't want it to affect her studies and her life. I felt guilty being older than her. I felt like I was already married and she was not so if she starts like that God knows what will happen. She said ok and thanks. She also said that when she looks at me now she still wants to kiss me. I started coming home late, I stopped paying attention to my husband. We had issues every day. We would argue endlessly. She and I continued to kiss each other, touch each other. I enjoyed so I would stay late at her place. My husband started bieng suspicious but he could never imagine it could go that far between her and I. She told me she loved me and that she was jealous when she saw my husband kiss me and she asked me if I could leave my husband for her. I fell in love with her and along that process I never saw anything wrong with what I was doing. I only felt bad for my husband but the truth is I could not see anything but her. A few months after, she decided that she wanted to end it. She said it wasn't right by God. She asked me what we would tell our parents considering that they are the best of friends. She also said that she feels bad harming my husband and that it wasn't right. I didn't want to stop. I got angry. I felt betrayed that she started this whole thing, allowed me to fall in love and then leave me just like that. I questioned whether she ever loved me. I couldn't understand how fast she could control herself. When I touch her, she would turn me down. I never felt so rejected not even by a man. No man has ever said no to me the way she did. I calmed down and I tried along with her to stop it to save our face and my marriage. But I still wondered whether she truly loved me. I almost committed suicide and she begged me not to. I completely lost my mind. I used to be on top of everything. I used to be the example for others to follow and I can't believe I allowed myself to be in that kind of situation. She told me that she still loves me and that she is still attracted to me but we have to stop. So we kept trying and trying little by little and we were finally able to stop touching or kissing each other. But I was still thinking about her and I still wanted it.
I went through a series of emotional breakdown because I saw her every day of my life and I couldn't touch her. She is like family and she had no one in this city. My husband and I were always in the cold. But he was very patient and understanding. He knew something happened in my life but he couldn't place a finger on it. For many months I was very depressed. I wanted to take my life. She seemed to be doing just fine. She didn't seem like she was struggling. It hurt me even more. I couldn't understand why I let myself go in the first place. She begged me to keep it between us and I agreed. But I was not doing well so I needed to talk and my husband kept pushing me to the limit.
One day, I told me what happened between her and I. I tod him to entire truth and I told him that I was still attracted to her and that I felt bad when she said it was over considering the fact that she started it all. He was very mad at me and told me that he knew but he wasn't sure. I was even more depressed to put such a good man in so much pain. I went though so much psychological and emotional breakdrown. My husband help my hand along the way. When he would see her, he would act like he doesn't know anything. A few months later, she started dating my husband's brother. My brother in law lives with us so now that she came to the house, she would sleep with him in his room. I was so mad and so jealous. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't believe she didn't care about me anymore. She asked me if I wanted her to end her relationship with my brother in law and I told her no that if he makes her happy why should I be egocentric? I told her to go ahead. So she went ahead and started going out with him. She acted like nothing ever happened between us and I was even more hurt to see them hand in hand everyday but at the same time I don't want to prevent her from being with a man. She seems to love him very much and sometimes I still have breakdrowns. Sometimes I am still atttracted to her and everything that we did comes to my head. Sometimes I fight and it goes away. But everytime she tells me she loves me I take it in a different way or when she looks at me, I break down. My husband knows all these things and he is tired of everything. Please I don't know how I could get her out of my system like she did. The truth somewhere in me, I still love her. What do I do? I'm going crazy. I don't want to keep hurting my husband.

Do you think she ever loved me? If so why would she get over it so quickly?
Why would she go out with my brother in law who lives with us in the same house? They are even planning to get married.
How do I get her out my system and get my life back? Everytime I try, I succeed for a while and then one look into my eyes, one word of love takes everything away. Our parents are best of friends, now she is dating my brother in law, and everyone knows we are the best of friends. So I can't just stop talking to her else everyone will start asking questions and our families, what would they say? They take us as sisters.
What do I do to stop being attracted to her?
What do I do to let go of this? She has moved on. She seems to love him. She doesn't even spend as much time with me as she used to. I feel used. She seems not to care about me. Now she won't even tell me what she does with him as she used too. I try not to think negative or jealous but it's a very hard battle every day. What do I do?
Please help, I'm going down!
My marriage is at stake. What do I do?

My husband knows about this I told him the entire truth but I just can't get it out of my system. I do not want to become someone else. I don't even understand how this happened in the first place. Please help me!

[Jennifer]

sounds like your husband is a wonderful person and she is not. you need to stop having contact with her. it is okay to end something but it sounds as what she did to you was cruel and sounds as if she has some issues on her own. have you gotten help for your depressive thoughts? are you still suicidial?

[chantilly]

[Jennifer]

i'm sure you do and that will go away with time. you are going to have to accept the situation for what it was and find a way to have closure without having the explanations that you want. she will probably do the same thing to someone else after you. that sounds like who she is, does your brother-in-law know the situation?

[chantilly]