I'm giving, she's taking

Ches · Joined: 21 Oct 2009 Posts: 3

I'm married for 4 years to a woman I love, but we have very different natures that are the source of frustration for me. I tend to be generous, one small example is leaving last bite of cake for my wife. She never reciprocates. Bigger example is she always puts her career first, before mine and often before our relationship (working weekends and needing me to take care of kids).
Problem is bigger issues are difficult to resolve (she's going through tenure so lots of work and stress) and thus smaller issues get blown out of proportion. I need to figure out how to accept that she is not like me (or like my late wife- there's a big red flag) on these small things, so I am not constantly resentful.

I know that's a lot, but any advice is appreciated.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

was she like this when you married her? what is it about now that makes you want her to change? is she open to changing and does she know how you feel?

Ches · Joined: 21 Oct 2009 Posts: 3

I don't think she's changed that much, but I think I kept waiting for her to be more generous. Now that I've mostly given up on that, I think less of her as a person. I have not communicated as much as I should about how I feel about this, so that's something I should work on more, but it seems to turn into a competition over who is doing more to keep our family (we have 2 small kids) going.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you married her one way and now you are not okay with who she is, yes you two need to discuss this and see what can be done about it not in a competitive way.

the less you talk to her the more resentment will set in.

Ches · Joined: 21 Oct 2009 Posts: 3

thanks. that makes sense. we'll have to make time to talk.

I feel at a disadvantage because she is more comfortable with conflict than I am (I avoid it, she seems to enjoy it) and she's better at arguing, often making me doubt my feelings because she has convincing reasons for why things are not the way I think they are.

Jennifer · Site Admin Joined: 27 May 2007 Posts: 2356

you can learn to be a better communicator and she can learn how to avoid conflict but you both need to communicate, key to a succesful relationship