I'm Destroying my relationship- WHY???

[jrg]

Hi guys- never done this before, but I need some help.

I was married 8 years. Most of the time I was acutely aware of another woman and her amazing feelings for me. The day I got married, she was standing outside of the church crying. She has loved me since, and even though I tried to make the marriage work, I loved her and dreamed of her. Finally my marriage reached a breaking point and I filed for divorce. The reasons are many and varied, "the other woman" truly had nothing to to with it.

Since then, she and I have seriously dated and even talked about marriage. She is truly the perfect woman for me. She's smart, fun, incredibly beautiful and so on. The most important thing is the way she loves me (99%) of the time. But, I have had trust issues with her. She can be a little fickle in her personal life and changes her mind frequently about many things. I am worried she will do the same with me.

She is going to be going away for a few days to her hometown. She has many friends there and it is usually a big party when she's there. I'm worried about that. She has reassured me over and over that she loves me and wouldn't screw it up. However, I still have doubts. The last few nights have been a prime example of why I worry. She hasn't cuddled much lately. Last night was essentially the last night we could actually spend quality time together and cuddle before she leaves. We both work a lot and I know she is tired, I am too. But last night , she got in bed and fell asleep and didn't give me a good night kiss, or even touch me. I couldn't sleep because I was worried about what she might be thinking and feeling- or not feeling. This morning I asked her why she didn't cuddle and she said she was too tired and hot to cuddle. But she has always been very cuddly- up until recently. Well, we argued and she ended up storming out and said we are done. I have talked to her on the phone since and I don't think she's completely done but she is very close.

It seems I am destroying us and worry too much about what might happen. I need to get a handle on trust, jealousy and believe her when she says I am the only one for her, for life. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. I am desperate because I feel she is the perfect woman for me. She exemplifies what I have always wanted in a partner for life.

thank you

[Jennifer]

I happen to agree with you that you are worrying too much. This is a woman who has been in love with you for your entire marriage and now you are together and you are having doubts. Please remember that these are your doubts, not hers. Was it hot last night? If she gives you answers, then you will have to drop it. What will convince you that she is true to you? Did your wife cheat on you? You always have to remember that insecurities can drive someone away and it sounds as that is what is happening here.

Unless i'm missing something which you haven't mentioned she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her, just a feeling that you have. You have to ask yourself if it is your insecurities or its coming from her. Hope you two made up before she left for her home town.

[jrg]

Thanks for your response. It's nice to hear from an objective person. The more research I am doing I think I fit the category of a 'codependent.' It's scary to hear but at least maybe I can do a little self help here!

Any advice on that?

[Jennifer]

can you give some background on why you believe that you are co-dependent?

[jrg]

I have been doing some reading online. The signs/ symptoms to codependency seem to match me to a T. I am trying to think back into childhood to look for clues there. My dad was an alcoholic for years, he sort of stopped when I was born though. He is in his 80's now, but he came from Tennessee without a HS education. He worked hard in factories his whole life. My mother answered all questions for him, signed his paychecks, and made excuses for him when he was antisocial. They were both very loving and never abusive. I loved my childhood.

In 1995 I had dated a girl for 3 years and was about to propose to her when I found her in a car 'having relations' with someone else. That ended abruptly and as I think back, I sort of blamed myself for some sort of inadequacy on my part. If I had been better looking, or wealthier, or something- then that wouldn't have happened.

In retrospect, I have tried to control my current gf's behaviors, friends, actions in one way or another. I feel slighted when she spends time with friends. I have trouble trusting her. I lavish her with as many gifts and do as many things for her as I can.

Maybe I'm not on the right track, but it seems to fit. I am overall a nice guy. Never have I been physically aggressive to any woman in my life. I work two full time jobs as a registered nurse in the emergency dept and as a transport nurse.

And I do love my gf with all my heart. I want to make myself healthy for myself number 1, and so that she and I can have a healthy, loving and balanced relationship and life together.

[Jennifer]

co-dependency is more about needing another person or think to survive. it is mostly associated with an addiction where you are co-dependent on drugs/etoh/smokes. It sounds as if you are a self esteem problem which makes you think you are not good enough for someone else and if you are not trying 100% they will leave.

doesn't work that way, relationships are hard work, give you that but it takes two to tango and you cannot do it yourself. I always agree that you should take a look at yourself first because 98% of the problems that you have a relationship are usually our own fears or insecurities about ourselves that reflect in our relationships.

how do you think your parents played a role in how you think?

[jrg]

I'm not exactly sure. I was going the co-dependency route. So, in my reading today, it mentions early childhood as a time when this learned behavior of co dependency begins.

I'm open to suggestions. If it's self esteem, or whatever, how do I improve myself? I want to trust her implicitly. I don't want any anger or doubting in our rel'p at all

[Jennifer]

you are not dependent on her and cannot survive without her. that is for couples that love/hate mostly domestic violence but always get back together. that is co-dependent.

you cannot trust her, which is more of a sense you cannot trust yourself. this is not about her persee but about yourself. tell me why you brought up your parents? and how you think they play a role in this.

[jrg]

I don't think my parents play any role in this. I was just reading and comparing myself to a co-dependent person. I was looking to see when that all would have started for me. That's all.

How do I build trust in myself and in turn in her? I have been doing better the last few days, since doing major soul searching and trying to think before I react/ speak. If I feel a negative feeling, I have been trying to think about it rationally before I let that feeling build into a negative reaction or deeper feelings. It has been tough trying to keep a mental note of each thought that becomes a negative feeling, but it seems to be working! I have been more at ease. She is about to leave on her trip to her hometown for a few days. Before I had intense "craziness". Now it is much much less andI feel almost liberated. And in turn, she is more and more energized by this and shows more love.

Am I doing it right? And how do I keep this up long term. Will it get easier?

Thank you!

[Jennifer]

yes you are doing great!! yes it gets easier but it takes time. Glad to hear that you were able to do this before she went away and you two could leave on a good note together.

Always good to think before you act. Most of the time, it is our own insecurities that we play out and take out on others or our own stuff. The classic example is the wife that nags the husband to clean up after himself. The husband doesn't care about having his stuff on the floor been doing it his whole life, but the wife cares and gets mad at him for it, but he tries and doesn't always succeed.

Hopefully you can be open with her and let her know that you are working on this and she can play a part as well by helping you. I'm sure it will help her feel more connected to you in the long run.