Hypercritical spouse on stepchild

[formysunshine]

My husband (2nd marriage) has always been critical and negative about my son/his stepson. We have been together 17 years and married for 10 years. My son is finally out of the house and safe from criticism.

My problem is that my son's college education has been longer and more expensive then I expected. He is a good kid. He works full time, doesnt drink, do drugs, gamble and no girlfriends.

I want to/need to help my son with college expense. I am terrified to tell my spouse. When we fight, it is always ALWAYS and only about my son. My spouse always expects the worst and verbalizes it to me. If I try to defend my son,it just makes him angrier.

I went through a depression 6 years ago when I realized that this was the way it was always going to be...that he would never accept my son dully or help me with him. He would only be critical and accusatory, then just walk away from it.

He knows that I was planning on paying half of my son's education.
Because of high cost of college, I am now planning on paying more. I just cant send him into the world with crushing debt.

My problem is - I know that I will have to tell my sppuse before I finish helping my son with school because of taxes etc. I only need a year and a half and I will be done. My son will still have some of his own college debt to pay off, so he is not off the hook. I am sure that will not be enough for my spouse. He will flip out. My spouse is in finance and will go ballistic. I am so afraid to tell him, that I am thinking about divorce as my other option.

I am a very bad arguer. I would rather just walk away than yell. He snarls and sneers and looks at me like I am stupid. It is terrible. The rest of the time, he is great with me. He is Jekkyl and Hyde.

I dont sleep or eat anymore. I am a ball of nerves all the time.
I just want to finish my job as a parent well.
I am tired of always having a confrontation when I know this is the right thing to do...

If I could just never tell him...all would be well, but I would be lying to him.

I cant believe that doing the right thing for my son may ruin my relationship. I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

[Jennifer]

yes you need to tell your husband, communication and trust are the keys to any good relationship and it sounds like this is something that is lacking in your relationship. you can't choose between your spouse and your husband and you have been with your husband long enough that he knows it is not a battle he can win with you but he tries. It is very unfortanuate that this never got resolved while your son was still living at home.

you are just going to need to do it and be prepared for what he says because i'm sure you can imagine the conversation and know exactly what he is going to say

[formysunshine]

The only area we have ever had trouble is parenting. We have a great time together in every other way.

I [u]am[/u] looking forward to hanging out with him once we are past this. I just dont know if we will get past it.

I very much wish that things had been different for us, but have tried to get through it the best I can.

If I dont help my son, he wont be able to handle the debt and will, probably, need to come back home. My husband said that when my son leaves - thats it. He will not be able to come back.

I dont see any other way...

I will tell him. I have been working up the courage all summer.

[Jennifer]

good luck. parenting is a signifigant point to disagree on in a relationship. did you ever try counseling?